International Soca Mystery: Live Wire investigates a carnival conundrum

Question: If 20 people sang, wined and jumped up on a stage and nobody got a trophy, did it really happen?

Answer: … Hello? Hello, Mr Munro…?

It is the day after yesterday. But it still isn’t tomorrow. And surely it can’t be today either.

The calendar says it is Saturday February 6. But how can that be since the International Soca Monarch was scheduled for Friday February 5 and yet, supposedly a day later, nobody quite knows what transpired?

The ISM (which should arguably now be International Soca Mystery) is headed by chairman Peter Scoon these days—its founder, William Munro, now operates as an advisor—and decided to beam its televised feed roughly 24 hours after the event. But, in what might be later hailed as a masterstroke, Scoon opted to delay the results until after that broadcast, which is this evening on CNC3.

And so a competition that nobody seemed to much care about anymore suddenly offered the biggest sense of mystery since Ras Nijinsky.

Peter Minshall, with an astoundingly simple presentation, made a swan die on stage in the Kings of Carnival show. Scoon seemingly brought a dying competition back to life by not allowing anyone but patrons to see it.

In a time of recession, less—it seems—is more than ever.

Mr Live Wire cannot confirm that Prime Minister Dr Keith Rowley heard about the triumph for minimalism and immediately downsized his National Security Ministry.

Of course, the true test would be tonight’s viewership figures for the Soca Monarch, which, as former sport presenter Roger Sant used to say, is now a delayed live broadcast.

By this time tomorrow, we should know today’s winner of yesterday’s show.

#thesocasuspenseiskillingme

It is the day the earth stood still and the social media was tamed by a Trinidad and Tobago businessman. Or simply a frustrating wait for the dozens of girlfriends, baby mamas and groupies who have been crossing fingers and toes since Friday night but still don’t know if they are in the money.

For the patrons who paid to watch the Soca Monarch but left without seeing anyone crowned, it might feel like getting to the office first in the morning and realising that you have to wait in the street for the lazy fellah with the keys to reach.

Mr Live Wire suggests that Trinidad and Tobago spends the day after yesterday and before tomorrow pondering the mysteries of life:

If the Finance Minister isn’t tall enough to get his own bumper car, then how can he drive the economy?

How come there are more photographs of pigs flying than Marlene McDonald’s lovemuffin, Michael Carew?

If, as Anika Gumbs claimed, the Prime Minister is a keen bodyguard, then why is the murder rate so high?

And, most of all, who is the 2016 International Soca Monarch?

Editor’s Note: And the 2016 International Soca Monarch is Aaron “Voice” St Louis while second place is Akeem “Preedy” Chance and third is a tie between Dexter “Blaxx” Stewart and Patrice Roberts.

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Mr. Live Wire

Mr. Live Wire is an avid news reader who translates media reports for persons who can handle the truth. And satire. Unlike Jack Nicholson, he rarely yells.