Scene: Office of the Minister of Satire. The phone rings.
Mr Live Wire: Hello?
Caller (singing): Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind…
Live Wire: I hope you referring to Kamla.
Caller: What? No my brother. Auld Lang Syne means to ‘times gone past’. I am calling to wish you a bright and prosperous New Year.
Live Wire: Is this Watson Duke? Watson, you want Keithos come and hold your hand and explain his address to the nation on the economy to you? Or you want Imbert to come and bawl up at yuh?!
Caller: Steups. You always have politics on your mind eh? Enjoy our transition into the new year nah. Just now is Carnival and Machel bound to put your mind at ease.
Live Wire: Machel’s days for doing it like a Boss done last year. He put his exit strategy in motion since the Soca Monarch. SIS was late with dem tricks! You feel anybody want Big Truck with the high gas prices these days?! Hold on to your Yaris and sell the big truck yes.
Caller: Listen, Keithos was always a doomsday merchant. Ever since them days when Calder Hart and Patos were trying to spruce up the place and he with a calculator behind them counting pennies. He’s like my old neighbour. Every time I see him, I does get a run down of ailments and aches and pains till I afraid to tell the man ‘good morning’. Keithos’ face so damn sour he could make yogurt go bad!
Live Wire: When you in the hospital trying to save your leg, you want a pretty doctor with papers as fake as her accent? Or you want a sour puss who not afraid to give you a bad diagnosis in the middle of Christmas, when is only a prompt diagnosis could make you walk again? You can’t put a band-aid on a break foot yuh know.
Caller: You more depressing than Fazeer yes.
Live Wire: Eh?
Caller: The West Indies team playing their heart out against an Australia team that could beat them in their sleep even with wiffle bats. More licks than Vasant and them get in the UNC elections. And Faz get bored of talking about how bad they are in the Tests and gone to bad talk them in training too?!
Steups. Imagine yuh plane going down and Fazeer there telling you about how nice the other airline is! He lucky Kemar Roach didn’t pelt a cork ball at him!
Live Wire: He woulda miss!
Caller: Yuh see?! You just like Faz! Allyuh just like to cry down allyuh own!
Live Wire: Oh ho. So you feel Fazeer and I are agony aunts. Eh? You want us to rub the players’ backs and say is not their fault. If a car is 500 metres ahead of you driving at 60 km per hour, how you going to catch them going at 30 km per hour? Phil Simmons did maths in school? Nobody saying to play better than Australia. But you could work harder than them. They have no magical formula to elbow grease. All you need is pride and bad mind. If they better than you and you not prepared to work harder than them to close the gap, what they went Australia for? To sightsee?
Caller: So is Simmons’ fault eh? West Indies getting licks since Darren Bravo was in kindergarten. But you saying Simmons is the problem.
Live Wire: I didn’t say Simmo is the problem. But I saying that Simmo and the team have to look at each other and decide whether they plan to be the answer. I was one of the first to jump up and cuss Dave Cameron when Simmo complain about outside interference. Now Simmo himself tell Andre Baptiste that he called ABC and say the West Indies team not conducting any interview with Fazeer. Well, that have to be the ABC of outside interference right there.
Simmons say Faz hurt his team’s feelings?! So how the arse he think the whole Caribbean feeling watching this Test series?! Look, tell Simmons pull up his half-slip and put his back into it eh!
Live Wire: Hush yuh stink mouth!
(Silence on the phone line)
Caller: Look… Ah only called to wish you the best for the new year.
Live Wire: Yeah. I’m sorry for going full moon-ilal on you there. We just have to look at ourselves and how we can make things better for 2016 is what I want to say.
Caller: Hear nah, if I could close my eyes and imagine what a hangover might look like in a shirt and tie… My mind would come up with a picture of Rowley yuh know.
Live Wire: Well in the rough waters we’re in right now, we need the steadiest hands we can find to steer the ship. Can you think of anyone better on either side of the Parliament for the job?
Caller: I dunno. But he better a good job or dog eat we supper.
Live Wire: Steups. That dog clean out we fridge long time. Yuh not hearing the keywords over the last month? Recession, foreign exchange shortage, VAT, cost cutting… Fete over yuh know.
Caller: Yuh wrong dey. This is Trinidad. We do everything in style and with flavour. Where I’m From, rum can’t done… (Starts singing).
Live Wire: Is true yuh know. And Rowley say buy local? Well, let’s use our Miami shopping money for some all-inclusive fete. This is a Differentology country.
Caller: 360 degrees in here? That is the perfect fete atmosphere! Machel, Bunji, Olatunji, Destra, Chucky, Mistah Shak, Trinidad All Stars, Phase II Pan Groove… They will help us through this! We can start off lifting the economy with a nice, safe Carnival.
Live Wire: And maybe West Indies can buckle down and fight for us too. And show what a motivated underdog can do. Follow the damn “Soca Warriors” example! And I know Keshorn Walcott will rest some wood on them in Rio. And the world will have to keep a close eye on Machel Cedenio and Richard Thompson and Khalifa St Fort and the rest of our Olympic bomb squad.
Caller: Happy New Year Live Wire!
Live Wire: Same to you, pardners!