Wired868 Wired868 for smart sport news and opinion
On a faraway, remote island in a time long, long before yesterday, a great Party that always prevails—it is on their calling card—summons its regents to a meeting at Tobago Plantation.
The aging taikō, Lord Keithos, has made it known on several occasions that he wants to leave public affairs and go and plant peas in Tobago; and there is talk that this will be his last Carnival.
As the regents await word, Lord Stewie Havelots, is granted a personal audience with the Taikō—while his fellow regents watch on, enviously, from a distance.
Lord Ronin (whispers loudly): How the boss lying down on his back in the middle of the day breathing heavy so? He wasn’t dancing down de place just Old Years Night? He ketch Covid again or what?
Lord Fitzie: A spurious, haughty and egregious obiter dictum, most malapropos for such a splendiferous occasion!
Lord Ronin (stiffens up): Who the arse you calling a dictum?!
Lord Ferris: Shhh! Fitzie just asked you what kind of outta timing statement is that. He right you know—next thing we reading in the Guarding that he have Covid and all ah we under lock down. I have gym tomorrow you know?
Lord Ronin: Steups. So why Fitzie didn’t just say that? And to besides… What you trying to suggest about the Guardian?
(Elsewhere in the great hall, the Taikō’s private conversation is met with cynicism.)
Image: Scotty Ranking
Lord Calm no riot: You know what they’re talking about right?
Lord Terrie: The donkey derby?
Lord Calm: What?! Why the hell would they be talking about donkeys? That’s stupid, even by your standards.
Lord Terrie: Last time I walked in on them shoo-shooing, Lord Stewie told Lord Keithos, ‘quiet, look the a…’
Lord Calm (interrupts): I will tell you what they’re talking about. They’re talking about the fate of the Party. The Taikō feels it is his to give away like it’s his birth right or something. As if somebody gave him the keys to the Party in his crib as a child!
(Outside of the capital, another meeting is called to order by a disparate collection of tribes who seek to overthrow the Party.)
Lady Kams: Okay everyone, word has arrived that the Taikō is going to give his place at the head of the Party to Lord Stewie. As I have always warned, change is a time of upheaval and upheaval means vulnerability. That’s why there will never be change in our tribe. Neeeeeeever! Neeeeeever eeeeeeeeever!
(There is a splattering of applause while most of the attendees check their timepieces.)
Lady Kams: So, what’s our response, people?
(Lord Flanley of Speyside raises his hand. Lady Kams appears not to see him.)
Lady Kams: Come on, my vassals. There must be an angle we can take here. The Taikō, instead of turning to his general membership, is trying to transfer power to the elite of his cabal in a clandestine meeting—what say you?
(Lord Flanley stands on a chair, trying to catch Lady Kams’ eye.)
Lady Kams: Geezan ages, people. As we speak, Lord Keithos is on the Plantation giving the legacy of his people to Lord Havelots—isn’t there some way we can spin this to sow bitter division and discord?!
(Lord Flanley is jumping up and down waving his arms now, like Olatunji on Red Bull and coffee.)
(Back at the Plantation, Lord Keithos has demanded a vote from his regents.)
Image: Scotty Ranking
Lord Keithos: The choice is Lord Stewie, who is obviously the best man for the job and the only regent capable of leading the realm into an era of plenty oil money and low crime. Or you can vote for the other person who does not have my blessing. So, who will it be?
(Lord Ferris raises his hand.)
Lord Keithos: Yes?!
Lord Ferris: Can we vote with our conscience?
Lord Keithos: Yuh had any blasted conscience when yuh was up and down with Commissioner Motormouth, looking to lock up poor people chirren for all kinda nonsense?! When yuh was knocking wine glasses with all the big fish and dem in allyuh New Year’s party?!
(Elsewhere, outside the capital, Lord Flanley has collapsed on the ground, overcome with apparent excitement—as he tried, unsuccessfully, to give his view on the Party’s current affairs. Lord Alain, vassal to Lady Kamla, leans in to try to hear his message.)
Lord Flanley (whispers): Keithos is a…
(To be continued.)
Editor’s Note: This column is pure fiction and any perceived similarity to real occurrences is purely coincidental. Honest.
|
Wired868 has provided readers with solid, independent journalism since 2012. If you appreciate our work, please contribute to our efforts. Support Independent Journalism |
And the 2024 Calypso Monarch crown goes to: Argentina’s Lionel Messi! Who mother can’t believe that one, eh? Well, actually Read more
If you know you lack the muscle to handle the weight of a woman’s expectation, sometimes it is best to Read more
(Scene: A sports bar in Tacarigua. It is nearing closing time. Mr Live Wire sips on his rum and coke Read more
Scene: Boardroom at an undisclosed location. (Prime Minister Dr Keith Rowley tells his colleagues on the National Security Council and Read more
Scene: Office of the Prime Minister. (National Security Minister Jack Warner walks in and closes the door behind him.) National Read more
This week, Trinidad and Tobago witnessed a breathtaking lack of administrative foresight accompanied by a paralysed executive branch with a Read more
Mr. Live Wire is an avid news reader who translates media reports for persons who can handle the truth. And satire. Unlike Jack Nicholson, he rarely yells.
