Prologue: On 26 June 2014, FIFA announced that Uruguay striker Luis Suarez would be banned for nine official international matches and from all football-related activity for four months, during which time he is not even allowed into any football stadium.
The ban is the result of an incident between Suarez and Italy defender Giorgio Chiellini in which video evidence and physical marks on the shoulder of the Italian suggested that the Uruguayan bit the player during his nation’s final group match.
Suarez’s World Cup is effectively over and the suspension will stop him from plying his trade until late October and could affect his possible summer move to either La Liga giant Real Madrid or Barcelona.
With nowhere else to turn, Mr Live Wire was unreliably informed that the Uruguayan approached the only person with the necessary experience to handle such a complicated case.
He hired Minister Two Pull, who received time off from Olympic swimmer George Bovell III to take up the brief, and promptly dispatched a “Private and Confidential” to FIFA, which we can reveal exclusively today:
The Honourable Sepp Blatter,
Grand Cordon of the Order of the Rising Sun (Japan), Order of the Companions OR Tambo (South Africa), Grand Cross of the Order of Merit (Germany), Knight of the French Legion of Honour (France) and all the other titles bestowed upon you by former World Cup bidding countries fortune enough to spend time in your regal posterior,
President for Life of The FIFA on Planet Earth and any other planets deemed worthy of your generous and transparent Goal programme.
Dear Herr Sepp,
Re: Request for clarification on what is being called as a viral video that has grabbed the attention of the media over the last two days,
Let me state at the onset that, I Minister Two Pull have never indulged, partaken or used any illegal drugs in my entire life nor have I ever indulged, solicited, requested, engaged or employed any form of prostitution. Further, I have no recollection of the events portrayed in the Room 201 video.
It is with great sadness that I have watched a relentless media campaign designed to defame, hurt and disrespect not only me, but my wife, children, unborn child and his or her unborn children and grandchildren as well as my constituents, my government and my beloved Prime Minister.
What does that have to do with anything?
It attests to my integrity, my gorgeous Sepp-meister. Like you, I believe in full and complete transparency.
In fact, it is my favourite word; right after “categorically” and “holistic.” I intend to look up all three one day. But this is not why I am writing.
Things have gotten a bit dull for me in Trinidad since Captain Peacock took over LifeSport and Boxu stopped taking me out; so I have agreed to legally represent, Luis Suarez, a gifted footballer, humanitarian and vegetarian.
First, let me say that I am not an attorney. My daddy and brothers were lawyers though and I can shout louder than any of them, which must mean something. If I may toot my horn—and, believe me, you are welcome to a toot yourself—I think I proved my competence in this field in the recent case of Prime Minister SC versus Common Sense.
Man, common sense did not stand a chance! When I was finished resting the big bamboozle on she, she get so tootoolbay that she asked me if she still had a job! Hahaha!
Like you, I am not sexist, Sepp. I also believe that darlings and sweeties should not be seen in anything more than hot pants and, preferably, should be bearing either hot wings, alcohol or a baby. But just try telling that to Carolyn Seepersad-Bachan nah. Steups.
I believe you ketch my drift.
Sir, as we know full well, video evidence is a poor gauge. Just because a man with a head like the thing from Aliens 1, 2, 3 and 4 showed up in a London 2012 Olympic shirt with a voice just like mine doing some mischief, everybody decided to trust their own eyes and ears and jump to their own conclusions.
It was impossible for me to get an unbiased hearing, which my learned Prime Minister SC took into consideration.
Sepp, I see striking similarities with the case of Luis Suarez.
Ask yourself this, Sir: Has the media not harassed my client before? Is it not true that the media published that my client also bit a Dutch midfielder in 2011? And that he also bit a Serb in 2013? Do you not see a pattern here? Is there not an established pattern of defaming my client everytime he bites someone? Not one time, eh; but on every single occasion!
Has the media not been true to form here too? Take away the footage and all we have is Chiellini’s statement. And remember the man was just trying to knock Suarez and Uruguay out of the tournament. Read all the pre-game statements yourself and see whether he had my client’s interest at heart on that day; or if it was exactly the opposite.
So how can his word be given more weight than Suarez’s?
I have checked myself and you will be amazed at the level of media brainwashing. Do you know there was not one single complaint about Suarez biting Chiellini before the live television video footage and photographs showed him do it? Not one!
I was told that the FIFA Disciplinary Committee also viewed the video before delivering its sentence. But I refuse to believe it. I know The FIFA as a place that you can go to get justice; a place not tainted by media evidence or truth.
Can you please look into this on my client’s behalf? Because if there is one iota of truth to rumours that the FIFA Disciplinary Committee used video evidence; then Suarez’s suspension must be immediately lifted!
And what did the so-called video evidence show anyway?
My attorneys have instructed me to remain absolutely silent on the matter. And I am not a man to speak out of turn when people are looking for truth and not rum shop talk.
But, from what I saw in the “Room 201” video, I could not determine when it was, where it was, and what substance was alleged to have been held by me. Indeed, there was no material visible. The fact that my eyes were closed for the whole viewing was completely immaterial.
Man, I bet I can see myself with my eyes closed! Couldn’t you?
Let me reconstruct the events of Tuesday June 24. Suarez was trying to position himself to attack a cross ball when Chiellini, with a mad, defiant look in his eyes, tried to prevent my client from doing his job by standing in his way. It was a clear case of obstruction.
Sure, he did not break any rules by doing so; but consider the man’s intent, Sepp.
My client was understandably perturbed and went to have a respectful word. At that point, Chiellini stopped suddenly, which disoriented my client who fell forward into him.
Suarez yelled out for Chiellini to catch him. But you know what the bastard did? He gave him the cold shoulder instead. Suarez’s mouth was ajar when he fell; but only because he was pleading for assistance. And Chiellini let his teeth have it with his brutish and abnormally powerful shoulder.
I was told that Chiellini works out; but your investigators can confirm yourself. Had he been priming his shoulder for such an assault for months? That is your job.
We, of course, retain the right to counter-sue for dental work. And, I guarantee you, if Italy thinks it has financial problems now; wait until Italians have to fork out for Suarez’s braces!
Herr Sepp, all I can tell you with absolutely certainty is that Suarez’s case is a media conspiracy, probably set up by the PNM itself. Who you going to believe, Chookaloonks? Me or your lying eyes?
Ahem. That last line was not meant for you. Copy and paste is the rage these days.
Minister Two Pull
Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked; no offence is meant at parties named although they probably deserve it.