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Revealed: President Carmona’s secret powers

It has been eleven weeks and two days since Wired868 stationed itself outside the President’s House in an effort to capture something truly extraordinary.

So, why are we here? No, we did not miss the turn-off to the Emperor’s Valley Zoo; rather we are about to deliver to our readers, exclusively, the source of Trinidad and Tobago President Justice Anthony Carmona’s great powers; the ones, according to Carmona himself, that we think he does not have.

Let me first say that we still do not know what those powers are. But that is not to say that we don’t know anything at all.

To quote former US Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld: “As we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns — the ones we don’t know we don’t know.”

Wait, I don’t know what I was going to say. Are we live? Right, Carmona…

Photo: President Justice Anthony Carmona.
Photo: President Justice Anthony Carmona.

Well, by a process of elimination, Wired868 believes it is closer to discovering the secret powers of the President, who once sang calypso under the sobriquet: “Lord Pussyfoot.”

Firstly, it is clear that Carmona does not have the power of clairvoyance. Or else he would have sang as “Lord Statesman” or “The Mighty Straight Talker” or anything that does not quite scratch the imagination of the average Trinidad and Tobago adult like a domesticated feline.

The visit of China President Xi Jinping also made it clear that Carmona is not blessed with high visibility. Mr Live Wire believes that maybe Carmona could make himself noticeable—not to mention useful—by holding the umbrella for Xi next time. But then Mr Live Wire’s idea of protocol does not extend further than grunting after someone says “good morning.”

Well, in an exciting non-development, Wired868 can confirm that Carmona’s secret powers are also not speed-related.

Two weeks ago, Opposition Leader Dr Keith Rowley almost detonated in Parliament as he pleaded with the Integrity Commission to get going on an investigation that possibly extends as high as the Trinidad and Tobago Prime Minister and Attorney General.

We can confirm now that Carmona has seized his responsibility in this unprecedented scandal with all the enthusiasm of a teenager who was asked to weed the backyard.

Carmona clocked a return of nine days, four hours and 42 seconds before his first indirect comment on Rowley’s alleged bombshell, although he still did not reference the issue directly. It is worth noting that Carmona’s time was significantly media-assisted and, as such, might not get on the books as a record of his first proper use of initiative.

Photo: Do I have to appoint the Integrity Commission now? Can't someone else do it?
Photo: Do I have to appoint the Integrity Commission now? Can’t someone else do it?

When the media asked Carmona, at the Presentation College’s Past Students Reunion on the weekend, when an Integrity Commission would be appointed, his initial reply suggested that he had no idea what the fuss was about.

“Why is it you are asking such serious questions on a family day?” he asked. “The thing is it’s a family day and let’s keep it social.”

Pressed further by reporters, who clearly were not provided with access to the buffet, Carmona said: “What I can say very matter-of-factly is within the next two weeks there will certainly be an Integrity Commission.”

Wired868 can confirm that June 8, 10 and 13 are all examples of legitimate dates on which urgent appointments can be made; but “within the next two weeks” is what a clever husband tells his wife when she asks him to tag along on a visit to her mother’s place.

Out of force of habit, Lord Pussyfoot may or may not have then said: “Case adjourned.”

Mr Live Wire believes that swift, decisive action are among the powers the public only thinks the President has.

About Mr. Live Wire

Mr. Live Wire
Mr. Live Wire is an avid news reader who translates media reports for persons who can handle the truth. And satire. Unlike Jack Nicholson, he rarely yells.

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2 comments

  1. Mr Carmona problem is not that he is not DECISIVE or SWIFT in his actions, it is because as he said, people talk, and talk, but when called upon to serve they are’t willing, so it becomes a difficult task and so the process takes longer. MR WIRE, since you are a LIVE WIRE would you be willing to serve if asked?

  2. I’m dying of laughter here… HAHAHA. I can’t recall seeing funny pieces like this before wired868. Man you could be on comedy central. How can some people not see the funny side to these pieces. However, while it’s funny there is truth and seriousness behind the fun once you look deep.