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Scene: International Rescue Committee headquarters in New York.
Phone rings. IRC Chairman George Rupp answers
George Rupp: “Hello. George Rupp speaking…”
Ex-Minister of National Security, ex-Minister of Work and Infrastructure, ex-UNC Chairman, ex-Chaguanas West MP, ex-FIFA Vice-President, ex-CONCACAF President, ex-Caribbean Football Union President, ex-Trinidad and Tobago Football Federation Special Advisor, ex-Local Organising Committee 2006 Chairman, current smart man Jack Warner: “Salaam alaikum, George. This is Jack X.”
Rupp: “Jack X? Are you a Muslim now? I thought you were a Hindu.”
Jack X: “Muslim? No. You didn’t hear how many positions I am an ex-holder of? I find it quicker to call myself an X-man now. I on my own beat like Wolverine. Haha.”
Rupp: “Okay. Well, whatever sits well with you, Jack.”
Jack X: “Exactly. I will be a Jehovah Witness if it keeps my seat.”
Rupp: “Jack, what is this about? Are you calling about the Haiti emergency relief funds you promised?”
Jack X: “Steups. You dropped me right in the mess over here and you asking me about Haiti and their alleged earthquake?! This is more serious than any alleged Haitians man. Cabinet is querying the bill you submitted for rescuing the fire truck.”
Rupp: “First of all, I don’t think you’re using the word ‘alleged’ properly there…”
Jack X: “Lalla, told me to get accustomed to using that word cause I have enough court cases these days. It worked for Ian Alleyne. A little ‘alleged’ here and there and some Jimmy Swaggart tears and ‘presto’ the man has a new program, yes. I asked him if I could co-host you know. But he told me that he doesn’t think I appreciate what ‘Crime Watch’ is about and what he actually does. He not sure if my image would fit.”
Rupp: “Jack, I’m a busy man. I did not submit any bill to Cabinet. What on earth are you talking about?”
Jack X: “So you have Chinee memory too? Eh? You forgot the fire truck incident last year?”
Rupp: “Jack, you told me that you had it covered. You said it was a matter of life or death and it was subcontracted out to some other company.”
Jack X: “Actually, I said ‘life or debt’ George. Yes, I had to move quickly. You know I’m the ‘Action Man.’ Let me fax you the invoice I got for it now.”
Rupp: “Yes, I remember. Someone named Scam, right?”
Jack X: “It was Sam. Remember, I asked you for a sample of an invoice so I would know how to price that kind of stuff. I forwarded that to him and your boy charged us $6.8 million for the job.”
Rupp: “What?! How did he become ‘my boy?’ I have never ever been to Trinidad. All I said was that if a fire truck was hanging over a 300-foot precipice with the lives of two dozen brave firemen and the seven nuns that they rescued at stake; you needed to act quickly.”
Jack X: “What happen to collective responsibility? Eh? You sounding just like that neemakaram, Suruj. Quick action costs money you know. It’s 2013 and we ent even finish the 1990 Coup Enquiry. In fact, I don’t even think they finished the autopsy on Dr Eric Williams yet! You have to pay for results here man.”
Rupp: “But even if lives were at stake…”
Jack X: “Jack Warner’s word is his bond, George.”
Rupp: “Okay. Why do you always refer to yourself in the third person when you get defensive anyway?”
Jack X: “It is an out of body experience. Did I tell you that I’m part-Baptist too? Those out of body experiences can be really useful if you need plausible deniability later.”
Rupp: “Wha…? Anyway, what I’m saying is that it cost us US$500,000 to get a 747 off the side of Mount Everest. So how can you use my invoice to say…”
Jack X: “Well, of course, Blanchisseuse is very high, you know.”
Rupp: “You said it was 300 feet. Everest is 27,000 feet and it was covered in snow.”
Jack X: “You heard me say 300 feet? I know three imminent overpaid lawyers that will swear I said 30,000 feet if I pay them upfront…”
Rupp: “What the…?! I’m looking at the fax now. It says manpower costs was TT$303,000! That’s over TT$70,000 per day!”
Jack X: “Skilled labour is expensive, George. I think they were paid double time for inconvenient working hours too.”
Rupp: “So, what’s your plan in the future? Announce that emergencies can only occur between 8 am and 5 pm on a weekday? And why has he charged TT$500,000 for supervisors if the labour was so skilled?”
Jack X: “How else would the labour respect their supervisors if they were not being paid more? You know anything about management? You have to give the work force something to aspire to.”
Rupp: “I think you should have an ombudsman check that scale. And what kind of meals were you serving? TT$65,000! That’s over TT$15,000 per day! Were they having caviar and champagne?”
Jack X: “Erm, I think they did a Coal Pot run. Maybe we will do Japs next time.”
Rupp: “And why did it cost TT$25,000 per day to transport workers? Did they hire a private jet?”
Jack X: “Most of the maxi taxi drivers doing school runs when we need to get workers to the base. Simpaul Travel booked the most economical one we could find. Then you have to factor in things like the cost of premium gas these days and potholes and thing. Kenny went over the accounts so it’s all above board.”
Rupp: “Jack, there’s no way you can justify this bill. I mean, look, over TT$16,000 per day for hygiene facilities. What did he do? Fit gold taps and bidets into the portaloos? Did Trinidad James put those in for you?”
Jack X: “George, cleanliness is next to Godliness.”
Rupp: “Not in your dictionary, Jack. In your dictionary, cleanliness is obviously next to corrupt accounting.”
Jack X: “Listen, allyuh blasted Americans can’t talk down to me you know. How long you all will hold not getting the World Cup football tournament against me?”
Rupp: “What do you mean? Every football World Cup is played in America. The correct term is the Super Bowl though.”
Jack X: “Georgie man, let’s not squabble over minor details. They have me over a bowl down here and it damn sure ent a super bowl. What we will do man? If they leak my name, it’s only a matter of time before someone mentions you.”
Rupp: “Jack, this has nothing to do with me. I’m sorry but I can’t help you.”
Jack X: “Really George? Check your outbox fellah. You sent me some very detailed emails on this matter if I remember correctly. Mind what in your outbox doh cause ruction in your inbox. Trini jail not nice you know. You will discover this, of course, in the fullness of time.”
Rupp: “Get lost. Hit the road, Jack.”
Jack X: “I wish man. I used to be up in the air all year round like George Clooney, you know. Now, I can’t even drive too far from Chaguanas West in case somebody arrests me. Hello, hello…?”
Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked; no offence is meant at parties named; although they probably deserve it
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I loved it!
Enjoyed this, gave me my much needed morning laugh, lol
Funny, oh so funny. But the truth rings out under it all. Thanks for the chuckle.
Yo this is funny as hell. Creative piece.