Scene: Jack Warner is busy making phone calls at his Arouca home while his longstanding sidekick, Johnson, looks on anxiously.
Jack Warner (speaking into mobile phone): Hello Gypsy. It’s Jack! How are… What? Your office phone ringing? But Gypsy, you sound like you in a party or something… Gypsy? Gypsy?
(Warner places his phone on a table and looks crestfallen).
Johnson: So what did he say boss? How come he didn’t write the calypso for you like he promised?
Warner: He said he was busy in work. He would call me back.
Johnson: Gosh, Kamla real wokking them fellahs hard in truth eh?
(Warner looks away into the distance without speaking).
Johnson: So why did Crazy say he didn’t sing a calypso for you in Skinner Park?
Warner: He said he ent that crazy.
Johnson: And Sugar Aloes?
Warner: He asked if I have royal fire trucking money to pay for that.
Johnson: That right there is why calypso is a dying artform. Those fellahs playing the damn fool. Chucky Cheesey singing bout he want to take a drink with the Prime Minister; like he want to see if all that PMILF talk is truth. And then he trying to marry Super Blue to Drupatie on Dimanche Gras night. He feel he working for eHarmony or what?
Johnson: And Bodyguard singing bout all them Indians with false papers but ent mention Wade Mark yet. And is them so who want to call you two-face, eh? Dem calypsonians want topic to sing bout oui.
(Warner shakes his head and mutters inaudibly).
Johnson: Ah boy! Sounds like you have a genius underhand scheme in the making there, Jack-o! Lemme hear, lemme hear!
Warner: Sam, I think it is over for me. I think I lost it. Even that man’s ram goat get more love than me last night.
Johnson: What?! Nah man. You talking nonsense. You know that ram goat does get more love than most happily married couples.
Warner: That is not what I mean! Look the other day in Parliament, Suruj wrote “HNIC” on a paper and stick it in my seat.
Johnson: What wrong with that? You self say you’re the HNIC…
Warner: Below it, he wrote “Heaviest Neemakaran in Chaguanas!”
Johnson: Oh shims.
Warner: All of them were laughing. Coonilal was giggling like a little schoolgirl.
Johnson: Steups. He lucky the Sport Minister didn’t buss a track on him then…
Warner: I heard Fuad take me off his “My Lime” list.
Johnson: Fuad could never figure out how to do that himself. That fellah does need to read a manual to low down the tv volume!
Warner: You hear how Robin Montano buy back his house from the bank? I ent see him in months. The man just used me for my money and gone.
Johnson: Robin Given is what we should call him. I always find he look like the damn skeleton in “Tales from the Crypt!” Is he that scare way our voters and cause Om Lalla to get rough up as if his name was Kublalsingh.
Warner: Even the Jehovah Witnesses does pass my house straight. I ask one of the fellahs the other day if he didn’t have an Awake magazine to try and sell me. He tell me they making a special publication for me call “God doh sleep!”
Johnson: Steups. Doh study him. In Trinidad, people only care about church that does get you a religious holiday with nice things to eat. What Jehovah Witness ever give anybody? Not even a benne ball!
Warner: I was taking a walk with Maureen last week and I asked some little boys to stop playing for a minute so we could walk past them. You know the boy bang me with the ball! Me the Godfather of CONCACAF… The man who make the best players this country ever see stop playing until I say so. People like Leroy De Leon, Gally Cummings, Dwight Yorke and Russell Latapy had to get off the field if I tell them. Even the rasta boy who had Peter Crouch playing up in his hair. I was the boss of all them.
You mean to say I would live to see small men like that disrespect me so…
(He starts sobbing).
Johnson: The guy was probably shooting at goal and miss, boss. Maybe he is a St Ann’s Rangers forward or something.
Warner: You just trying to make me feel good!
Johnson: No boss. You still have it.
Warner: What I have?! Eh? Down to Lie-bird jokey little website ent wrote about me in months! I called Andrew Jennings and asked him how things going in FIFA; and he tell me ask my mudda. Nobody’s afraid of me again. Nobody remembers me.
Johnson: Maybe we should arrange another Daryan sighting and get Mark Bassant to hype it up and touch up his ankles again or something.
Warner: Daryan could be drinking Stag with Randolph Burroughs and Tupac by Smokey and Bunty and nobody would notice. Nobody cares anymore. Ent nobody got time for that.
(The two men pause and stare at each other. Suddenly, they break out laughing)
Johnson (in a high-pitched female voice): And then the smoke grabbed me; I got bronchitis…
Warner (also mimics a women’s voice): Ain’t nobody got time for that!
(The two men roll on the carpet laughing hysterically)
Johnson: That youtube clip does have me weak yuh know? The woman said she ran out the house and leave everything oui. Haha. What you woulda do Jack? Wake up Maureen? Or run for your money?
Warner: You dotish? I would have woken Maureen so she could help me take more money!
Johnson: Hahahaha… That’s the Jack we all love!
Warner: Haha. Yeah. Sorry about that Johnson. It is just so weird to pick up the papers and not see my picture in it, you know? I have to call the boys in Sunshine just to get an interview these days.
Johnson: You are one of a kind, Jack. You will rise from the ashes like Super Blue.
Warner: You can’t beat experience in truth. How did Super do in the Soca Monarch this year?
Johnson: Ahmmm… I think he tie for first with Machel again.
Warner: He pulled that off again in truth? Haha. That Munro fellah more crooked than me you know. I should have gone into soca yes.
Johnson: Munro wants nothing with you. You had Presidents and Prime Ministers singing your tune!
Warner: Damn straight! They can’t keep me down. I will mash them up like Super Blue in 2014!
Johnson: (Gulps) Yeah, like Super Blue.
To be continued…
Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked; no offence is meant at parties named; although they probably deserve it.
Related post: If you liked that, then maybe you will like to hear about what happened when the PM first tried to sack Jack Warner. Click here for T&T’s own Yes, Prime Minister.