Scene: Office of the Prime Minister.
(National Security Minister Jack Warner walks in and closes the door behind him.)
National Security Minister Jack Warner: Yes, Prime Minister? The AG told me you wanted to see me.
Prime Minister Kamla Persad-Bissessar: It is over, Jack. This FBI business is the last straw. Everyone is worried that it might affect their ability to get visas and invitations to those great US Embassy parties. You had your warning, eh. That’s it.
Warner: Kamla, I fully understand and I support you. I am only here to serve your government and I am ready to step aside.
Prime Minister: It is too late, Jack. Prakash told me that once I stand on higher ground, I won’t have to worry about your tsunami and… Wait. What did you say?
Warner: Kamla, you are the sharpest legal mind I have ever met. In the fullness of time, I know your decision today will be shown to have saved your party and your country.
Prime Minister: You really think so, Jack? You know I heard some of the boys were whispering behind my back ever since I got my “SC.” You believe they said Hafizool more qualified than me? They said at least he paid for his letters.
Warner: Let me tell you that not one of them has your vision. Not one!
Prime Minister: Yes… Well. How would you like us to do this? Would you prefer to resign?
Warner: You know best, Prime Minister. So, I think you should make the announcement about relieving me yourself.
Prime Minister: Yes. True. That would really make me look strong and independent. Is it okay with you if I am independent?
Warner: Of course. You are the most independent person I know. Too bad the media doesn’t see it. They so clueless that they would probably think you firing me is another sign of your incompetence.
Prime Minister: Hahaha. (Pauses) Why would they think I am incompetent for firing you?
Warner: They will say you bent to pressure from a few peewats. I mean David Abdullah? Cheups. He could meet all his supporters in a broom closet and it would still have room.
Prime Minister: Hahaha. That’s true eh. But Jack what about the international press? A lot of big papers writing about Trinidad and Tobago now and I don’t know what impact it would have on the country.
Warner: I agree. I thought that was an excellent article by Vanity Fair.
Prime Minister: Vanity Fair?
Warner: Yes. The one that listed you among the top ten best dressed leaders in the world. That is what people listen to. You ever hear any of your constituents talking about what they read in Reuters this morning? You ever see a Reuters newspaper selling in Siparia?
Prime Minister (with a confused look): Ahmm…
Warner: If the FBI really wanted me, you don’t think they would have said something to us by now?
Prime Minister: But… I mean. We can’t be caught off guard.
Warner: Why not call and ask them?
Prime Minister: Who?
Warner: The FBI. It couldn’t hurt. Let me hear what they think they have on me.
Prime Minister: But they would never tell us. If the investigation still going on, why would the FBI say something now?
Warner: So why rush if the FBI not saying anything? You don’t think making a public statement is sub judice?
Prime Minister: Sub judice only counts when a matter is under consideration in court.
Warner: That’s what it used to mean. Now it means “you ketch me with that question and I can’t think of a good answer.” Ask the majority of voters what it means and see for yourself.
Prime Minister: But then suppose in a month or two the FBI orders your arrest? Oh gosh Jack, look at the licks we get over Ish and Steve. I can’t go through that again. Volney does still turn up his face everytime he sees me.
Warner: Volney face does always look like WASA dig it up. Don’t study him. You know the law better than anyone. If the FBI wants to press charges, then they would have to apply for me to be extradited. The Yankees not above the law you know.
Prime Minister: You don’t think that would look bad?
Warner: That everything is done legally? I wouldn’t expect anything less when dealing with a distinguished Senior Counsel like yourself.
Prime Minister: Jack boy, the FBI really wants you in truth?
Warner: Kamla, God himself gave up his first born child not so? Everybody wants to crucify me. Why you think that is?
Prime Minister: I getting mixed up. You’re saying that Daryan is Jesus or that I am God?
Warner: I’m saying that if there is one person I know that won’t let anyone push her buttons, it is you. David and them trying to set trap for you. But your decision to wait for an answer from the FBI would stall them and take away their momentum. You saw what happened when Mancini sold that trouble-maker, Balotelli? Everything that goes wrong at Manchester City is Mancini’s fault now.
Prime Minister: Bocelli was in which city?
Warner: Exactly. So if you decide to keep me in your Cabinet to prove that this is a law abiding country and in keeping with your hypocrite oath, then I am humbly at your service.
Prime Minister: You mean the Hippocratic oath? My husband is a doctor you know.
Warner: He is not half the physician you are. You will give Trinidad and Tobago just the diagnosis it needs.
Prime Minister: Listen Jack. You are doing an excellent job. Who the hell is Reuters and David to tell me how to run my government?!
Warner: The crime situation is worse than ever since I took over. Doesn’t everybody know it is always darkest before dawn? The worse it gets, the closer we are to a breakthrough. So obviously, we are closer to solving the crime problem than under any previous National Security Minister. But I know you see that better than anyone. I could do with a vacation, you know. I could go home and look at photos of all those lovely countries I used to be able to visit. But I can’t leave you hanging.
Prime Minister: Jack, don’t take on those critics. Get right back to work. You are doing a wonderful job.
Warner: Yes, Prime Minister.
Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked. No offence is meant at parties named; although they probably deserve it.
And, of course, our thanks to Yes, Prime Minister and Filbert Street.