Scene: Balisier House.
Prime Minister Dr Keith Rowley attempts to wrap up a meeting with some members of his Cabinet.
Rowley: … All in all gentlemen, I must say it was a good week.
Members mumble approvingly and slap each other on the back.
Stuart Young: Prime minister, it is almost impossible to have a bad week under your astute leadership.
Members make more approving noises and engage in another round of backslapping.
Colm Imbert: Prime minister, that change of direction you made on the sari skit was brilliant. You made Devant and them invest all their energies into cornering you on supposedly being anti-Hindu and anti-Indian women; then—‘whip whap’—you rest an apology on them and leave them gasping for oxygen like fish out of water. It was like a Zidane rolly polly!
Members make more approving noises.
Shamfa Cudjoe: What’s a Zidane rolly polly? Is that like a chocolate?
Young: Yeah. Like a nutty royal.
Members giggle. Cudjoe leans back with a pleased look.
Rowley: Okay gentlemen. Keep up the good work and see you all next week…
Fitzgerald Hinds: Just a minute, good sirs… My apologies, esteemed prime minister. But is the meeting at an end?
Rowley: Well, it would be if you put down your damn hand. Some of us have people to do you know. I mean things to do. Ahem. So, with that gentlemen…
Hinds: Dear prime minister, I am sorry to beg for an extension; but surely there is another pressing matter worth discussion from this past week.
Darryl Smith: Yeah boy. Is true. Customs start confiscating sex toys. What the arse is that one, Rohan?
Rohan Sinanan looks down at his shoe and looks sheepish.
Rowley: Darryl, what the hell you doing here? What ah tell yuh?!
Smith: If I keep my tail quiet, you will let me see out my term… Sorry boss.
Rowley: Steups. Go back in the damn closet. Before Mr Live Wire and them remember to ask about that probe into all the wotlessness you were doing in Sports.
Smith leaves the room.
Rowley: Okay gentlemen, so if that is all…
Hinds (interrupts): Honourable prime minister, I’m sorry to interject but if I can have a minute…
Members steups and roll their eyes.
Rowley (shaking his head): You have two minutes.
Hinds: Two minutes? But Prime Minister, you let Stuart talk for half hour about getting back Khamal’s vehicle. You would swear it was Mission Impossible Two.
Imbert: Technically, we are now on Mission Impossible Six.
Sinanan: I thought the Syndicate had him for sure in that one! Haha.
Imbert: No, no, no. You’re talking about Rogue Nation. Fall-Out is the last one. Tom Cruise is fighting the Apostles now.
Sinanan: You mean the priests who like to touch boys? Oh guuud… How it went? No, don’t tell me! I want to find out myself.
Imbert: Rohan, something tells me you’d struggle to find your nose if it wasn’t in the middle of your face…
Rowley: Jesus, you’re still talking!
Hinds: Honourable prime minister, there was a most horrific incident that occurred during my walkabout with constituents in Beetham Gardens. My person was assaulted in the most grievous way…
Rowley: You want us to stay here on a Friday night to discuss you and your constituents splashing about in floodwater like allyuh in Harry’s Water Park?!
Imbert: I watched that on a loop! Hahaha. They say you’re wetter than a Tida now. I know we call you our ‘waterboy’ but you didn’t have to take it literally!
More laughter from members.
Hinds: You all call me water-boy?
Rowley: Tell you what, Fitzie. Maybe you should wait until it’s dry before you head back to the Beetham. If one of those boys could kick a plastic bottle and hit you from 10 yards, call Dennis Lawrence one time!
Members slap the desk and double over with laugher.
Hinds (sits up straight with a wounded look): Colleagues, I am surprised and just a touch perturbed that I find it necessary to stress to you the importance of this matter. Honourable prime minister, I enjoy a good laugh more than anybody. But for a sitting MP and the acting attorney general to be accosted…
Young: Accosted? I hope they get their money back!
Hinds (jumps to his feet): Okay that’s enough! That’s f***ing enough! What the hell going on here?! Eh?! What the f**k man?! Just last week, Stuart called a damn reporter at 6am to console him losing his car. But what about my dignity?! Eh?! How come nobody call me about that?! I had to go by the Besson Street Station by mihself! Not a man come with me. Stuart ent call no police for me. So I is not people too?! Shims man. Suppose I get ringworms or something…
Imbert (mutters to himself): Remind me to ask Deyalsingh if a worm could get worms…
Hinds: Hush yuh arse, Colm! Hush yuh arse! This is serious thing man. Allyuh coulda get Gary to come in and rough them up. Something. Anything that would show solidarity; to let them know that you don’t mess with the PNM. That we are all in this thing together.
Prime Minister, for about three days, yuh went down dying to defend those two stupid fake gorillas from the family day. You always defending that walking corpse, Dennis Moses… No offence eh, Dennis.
Moses does not flinch and continues to gaze forward in a blank stare.
Hinds: Yuh defend Sinanan when he misplace a multi-million dollar boat. Yuh stand behind Rolph when he was playing Harvey Weinstein inside Angostura. Or when Darryl was acting like he in a petting zoo inside the Sport Ministry… But when the media asked about what those hooligans did to me, you said ‘no comment’. No comment, boss? You see what I went through and say ‘no comment’? That hurt mih, man…
The room falls silent, as Cabinet members look at each other.
Hinds (continues): We are all as strong as our weakest link. I thought that is what being a team is about. We can’t truly progress if some of us are struggling and facing hardship. That’s a recipe for unrest, man. We owe it to each other and the country to show that there are no favourites when it comes to the prime minister’s grace. That all are respected equally. Together we aspire…
Rowley: That’s enough!
Hinds (in a confused voice): Honourable prime…?
Rowley (standing): Sit. Down! You want me to get a teacup?!
Rowley: Listen, you better have some decorum in this place. Who the hell do you think you are to address this esteemed gathering in that tone? Eh?!
Hinds: But prime minister…
Rowley: Shut up! This is not a free for all. You’re speaking to elected members of parliament. I’d suggest that you remember that in the future when you address my ministers.
Hinds: But Prime Minister, I’m an MP too.
Imbert rolls his eyes while other MPs fidget in their chairs.
Hinds (looks around the room): So you all don’t think I’m as good as the rest of you? Is it because I’m from Laventille? Because I’m a rastaman…?
Rowley (sighs): Come now Fitzie, you’re sounding like Corey or Akins with that silly talk. Of course, you’re a valuable member. I’m sure everyone here agrees. Right?
Imbert nods ‘yes’. Young nods ‘no’. Imbert taps Young. Young nods ‘yes’ too.
Rowley: What you have to understand is the importance of protocol; and order. Don’t come here spilling your emotions all over people. I’m not Kiki. We all have problems. Follow protocol. That’s what it is there for.
Hinds: Sorry prime minister. My apologies. I was out of order… So can we discuss the issues I have in my constituency, prime minister?
Rowley: Of course we can. How about we schedule a meeting for 2020? Is that okay with everyone?
The members nod in agreement.
Hinds: Wait, you mean before the next election?
Rowley: Is that what happens in 2020? What a coincidence. Yes, that time is fine by me. And remember none of that rowdy stuff again to distract us from our importance business of serving the people. Okay?
Hinds: Errr… Yes, prime minister.
Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked. No offence is meant at parties named; although they probably deserve it.