Let’s call this what it is: a preposterous idea borne from an inflated view of self and a total lack of consideration for the welfare of the general public at large. A farcical miscalculation of what your audience would—or should—willingly swallow.
But enough about the appointment of Fitzgerald Hinds as minister of national security.
An attempted power grab from some old mostly white men from some other old definitely white men over the right to make money off the backs of young footballers produced a frenzied response in Europe and feverish discussions around the world.
What? You want to create a closed league with roughly a dozen football clubs that fans will be forced to watch in perpetuity? And Arsenal FC is one of them?!
The public response was swift and passionate. If Mr Live Wire was a black man in America, he’d probably consider swapping his hoodie for a Chelsea FC shirt—if he wants real global outrage the next time he faces a ‘routine stop’ by excitable lawmen with a taser to try out.
So good news everyone, European football, the epicentre of the game due to decades of plundering talent at piper prices from other regions of the world (Aston Villa paid a negligible fee to St Clair Coaching School for Dwight Yorke in 1989 and, a decade later, sold him to Manchester United for £12.6 m), can continue as normal.
After a ballsy start, the European Super League could not have crumbled faster if Real Madrid president Florentino Perez took Godfather Burkie to the signing-on ceremony.
Incompetent Crooks 1, Greedy Capitalists 0.
So while we are fighting for the good of the game, what about adjusting the fixtures so elite players can play every match day without his body collapsing before spring? Or creating the sort of work environment that allows employees to ply their trade without feeling like an extra in Planet of the Apes?
Ahmm… Uefa president Aleksander Ceferin would probably get back to you on that one… At around the same time the WHO approves Trevor Sayers’ Covid-19 vaccine.
The point is, as Brother Anansi eloquently put it in American Gods: ‘Angry is good. Angry gets shit done.’ But maybe we should be more selective about the target of our outrage.
What about if we tried it closer to home, with something that makes our country a better, safer place: like making policeman account for court appearances and switching on their sirens, a court date for Ish and Steve, frequent transparent health checks on doubles stands, and a new communication strategy for Terrence Deyalsingh—picture a 16-year-old trying to unhook his girlfriend’s bra, and you’ve a clear mental image of the health minister responding to pertinent Covid-19 questions.
As for Fitzie as national security minister; that’s like asking your child to hold the steering wheel on the highway so you could return a text message. Sure you might survive it, but is it really worth the risk?
If you happen to be the piper who asked the minister for a couple dollars, or the young men in Beetham who tried to sign him up for water sports during the last flood—that question was meant to be rhetorical.