It. Just. Got. Real! Live Wire explains coronavirus ‘dos’ and ‘donts’—read if you want to see Carnival 2021

EPL Infrafred Sauna

So it turns out Kenneth Petty-man was not Trinidad and Tobago’s most unwelcome overseas visitor this Lent after all.

The government confirmed its first official case of coronavirus or Covid-19 yesterday—and it’s a 52 year old Swiss who just returned from Switzerland and has a child attending a high-end prep school in Port of Spain.

Photo: Eh… cheers?

So, yeah, after everyone was blue vex that flamboyant Equatorial Guinea vice-president Teodorin Nguema Obian turned up to flex for Carnival, while facing hefty international charges for ‘shamelessly looting his country’; it turns out the unassuming dude from Europe was the real threat to our way of life.

Who would have thought eh? If only every history book we ever read had warned us about that. Right?

Mr Live Wire is going to be honest here. My household got off to a late start in this panic business. I mean ‘coronavirus’? Why the ass I would take an illness seriously when they named it after a wimpy beer?

Tell me scientists discovered a new threat to mankind called ‘Black Label Virus’ or ‘Puncheon Plague’ and Live Wire board up all his windows long time!

Getting ‘RIP-ed’ from coronavirus sounds like ending up critically injured after being run over by a cyclist. Or drowning in an inflatable pool. Or dislocating your shoulder while giving a speech at an opening ceremony.

Too soon?

I digress. Let’s get back to Herr Covid-19 and how we could make it safely through this thing to get to Carnival 2021 on the other side.

Photo: It is not often that ministers get a first hand taste of government-approved construction…

First of all, Mr Live Wire implore readers to avoid large crowds. Which can only mean one thing: please attend Pro League football matches!

It is about the safest, most desolate place you can be in the twin island republic, after a COP political meeting. And a lime with all of Colm Imbert’s pardners.

Second, protect your celebrities. American actor Tom Hanks has got it. So too has Sophie Trudeau, the wife of Canada PM and pin-up model Justin Trudeau and manager of England Premier League team, Mikel Arteta.

It would be a big blow to national morale if Machel Montano or Kees Dieffenthaller tested positive. It would definitely suck if Calypso Monarch Terri Lyons caught it too, although at least we would know her loving sister Fay-Ann and Bunji are safe!

Oh gorm, doh watch mih so. You want Super Blue to worry about his entire family one time? Is either/or; but definitely not both!

Photo: Mr Live Wire love yuh still Terri… But Bunji and Fay-Ann give us hits like Differentology, Carnival Tabanca, Buss a Lime, Raze…
Doh make mih choose nah!

Third, and Mr Live Wire can’t stress this enough, avoid hot spots! Not Laventille, numnuts. Avoid all those expat drinking holes in Woodbrook and St Clair and ting.

Honey, you want to go where?! Texas de Brazil?! Leh we go Royal Castle instead nah? Think responsibly!

I not laughing with allyuh. Don’t forget is Switzerland that ‘Patient Zero’ now come from eh. If he had just take his tail to a beach house in Mayaro, the only thing he might have brought back home to his loved ones is a case of the crabs—not corona.

Allyuh play brave if allyuh want. If I see one of those ‘one percenters’ passing my car door, you better believe dem automatic locks getting activated damn fast!

Keep whatever you get in Rome or Paris far from me, buddy! Mr Live Wire will take his chances with ‘hop and drop’ Kwesi by Morvant junction, who threatening to buss his windscreen if he don’t let him rub down his car window with an old cloth for five dollars.

Ahmm. Just joking about avoiding Texas de Brazil eh. Economy so bad, the only thing worse than a dry cough is having to cough out lawyer fees.

Photo: A satirical take on law.

With oil prices as it is, God alone knows how the PNM maintaining the time-honoured tradition of election goodies in 2020. Instead of rum and roti, brace for a Smalta and doubles!

And talking about rum, if a few squirts of rubbing alcohol on your hands could do wonders—just imagine what three shots of Angostura 1919 might do for your immune system.

No need to thank me, this is why you are here. For fresh ideas and perspective. You’re welcome.

Mr Live Wire already knocked back a few glasses today adn awlredee I iz fleeing liek nogthin colud tocuh mih. Hic. Send Corona nah. I drinking that and all!

Whais dat, Lulu? Who calling outside? The bill collector?

Tell him we in self-isolation!

Toilet paper might be $500 a roll by next week; you feel I studying RBC or Courts?! Let them be emotionally invested in my survival too, oui.

Photo: Doh worry Scrappy. We bong to make it!

Bet allyuh Trinis don’t feel so bright about buying cabin tickets for Machel’s Melé Carnival Cruise 12 months in advance now, eh. That is one boat ride you might have to watch on Skype! Hahaha!

The only ferry that Live Wire going on is that taking me across to my beautiful next door sister isle for a little relaxation and break from all this commess…

Wha?! Tobago close dey borders?! Dey say Trinidad contaminated?! By order of Watson Duke?!

Buh wha de mudda…

Photo: Buh wha de…?!
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About Mr. Live Wire

Mr. Live Wire is an avid news reader who translates media reports for persons who can handle the truth. And satire. Unlike Jack Nicholson, he rarely yells.

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