Filbert Street spies new Opposition crime plan

Scene: Wired Towers, the offices of Wired868. 37th floor, corner suite. Office of Publisher/Editor-in-chief, Lasana Liburd.

Secretary: “Mr Liburd, your 10 o’clock is here to see you.”

Lasana Liburd (LL): “Thanks, Destra, bring him through. And Destra…”

Secretary: “Yes, Mr Liburd?”

LL: “Put some clothes on. Yuh so damn loose!”

Secretary: “But Mr Liburd, It’s you who introduce me to bacchanal…”

LL: “Darling, let me do this interview first nah.”

Secretary: “Yes, Mr Liburd. Mr Imbert… Mr Liburd will see you now”

Diego Martin North East MP Colm Imbert enters the suite.

LL: “Good morning Mr Imbert. Take a seat.”

Colm Imbert (CI): “Thank you Mr Liburd. It’s a great office. What a stunning view of the hills…”

LL: “Yes, sorry about that. I just told her to put some clothes on.”

CI: “Thank you for agreeing to interview me about the PNM’s policies. I know you’re a busy man, so I appreciate you finding time for me to outline our blueprint for government.”

LL: “That’s okay, I’m happy to get more particulars that might help readers to make an informed choice.”

CI: “One question before we begin. I always wondered if you are Italian?”

LL: “Italian? Me? No, why?”

CI: “Well, your name is the same as that Italian dish, Lasagne.”

LL: “Actually, it’s Lasana.”

CI: “No it’s not. It’s Lasagne. I should know, because I’m very well travelled. I’ve been all over the world: Italy, France, Arouca…”

LL: “Look, let’s talk about your policies. What are your plans to tackle crime?”

CI: “I’m glad you asked about crime. Obviously, under the People’s Partnership crime has risen by 15 hundred million zillion percent.”

LL: “Really? Can you prove that figure? It sounds a bit exaggerated.”

CI: “I saw it written on the back of an ILP flyer in crayon. So I know it’s true.”

LL: “Hmmm. Well, let’s agree that crime has risen over the last five years. How would the PNM reduce it?”

CI: “Well, we did some research and we found out that the dramatic increase in crime bears a direct correlation to more people reporting crime. So we realised that, if we could stop people reporting crime, then the crime figures would reduce spectacularly.”

LL: “But there would still be the same number of crimes taking place.”

CI: “Would there? How would you prove that?”

LL: “Well, people would still be getting murdered and robbed.”

CI: “But how would you know if the crimes are not reported?”

LL: “What the hell are you talking about?! If a man is found dead full of bullet holes, it’s obvious that he’s been murdered.”

CI: “Not necessarily, Lasagne. He may have accidentally shot himself while cleaning his gun.”

LL: “Aha. But having an unlicensed firearm is a crime, isn’t it?”

CI: “Not if he was cleaning it for a licensed owner.”

LL: “Who probably reported it stolen!”

CI: “Aha! Did you say reported?”

(Imbert smirks and folds his arm while Liburd rolls his eyes).

LL: “And you think that will help our crime problem?”

CI: “Lasagne, if people don’t care about a $3 million flag or a $34 million LifeSport project that didn’t even start, I don’t think they’ll mind if crime reaches its lowest ever figures.”

LL: “So if you have no crime, you won’t need the prisons?”

CI: “Aha. Now you come to our next policy. Forget that floating prisons nonsense. We were surfing on Facebook the other day when Keith and I had a great idea: Prison birthday limes.”

LL: “What are you talking about?”

CI: “Well, we all know Trinis love to lime and people are getting bored with boat rides. So what we’ll do is hire out the prisons for birthday limes. It’ll be great. Loads of food, free Wi-Fi, plenty of places to charge your cell phones (get it—CELL phones!) and we’ll organise party games where your girlfriends smuggle alcohol, ganja and other kinky stuff past security.”

(Long pause)

LL: “Mr Imbert, are you serious?”

CI: “Lasagne, I’m as serious as a warden. In fact, we couldn’t believe that nobody picked up on this sooner.”

LL: “Sigh. Mr Imbert, do you have any other policies on your manifesto?”

CI: “Manifesto? Is that another Italian dish? Anyway, you were mentioning policies. Now, ask me how we’re going to reduce the unemployment figures.”

LL: “Ahmm, okay. How will you reduce the unemployment figures?”

CI: “Good question, Lasagne. What we’re going to do is stop collecting information about unemployed people.”

LL: “Why would you do that?”

CI: “Well, publishing the numbers of unemployed is so negative and depressing. Instead, we’re going to publish the figures of the number of people who are working. Much more positive and uplifting. So, for example, we would announce that 551,457 people are now working. And 100 percent of those people are employed. Therefore, we will have zero unemployment!”

LL: “But… That makes no sense.”

CI: “What doesn’t make sense? We’re offering a zero crime rate and 100 percent employment, yet you’re still not satisfied? What’s wrong with you, journalists? What have you ever done for your country? Eh? What is your bright idea for zero crime and 100 percent employment?!”

LL: “Well, Mr Imbert, this has been interesting but I do have another meeting. Destra, can you show Mr Imbert the way out please?”

CI: “Thank you for your time, Lasagne.”

Imbert leaves and Destra walks back into the office.

LL: “Oh La La Lay… That was pressure. Who is next Destra?”

Secretary: “You’re supposed to have a lunch meeting with Minister Fuad Khan… Ahmm. Either there is a new restaurant called ‘Unleashed’ or he said nothing with a leash.”

LL: “Destra, take my belt and shoelaces please…”

 

Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked. No offence is meant at parties named; although they probably deserve it.