The Lady Prime Minister summons her closest advisors, called the “Cabal”, to discuss control of the iron throne and a threat in Middle Trinidad from Lord Jack, who has risen from sure death like a phoenix; nay, a cockroach. Lord Anand, the Master of Coin, tries to assist her with a mathematical conundrum.
Lord Anand: So, my lady, we started off with 21 provinces and the PNM had 12. Now, with Lord Jack and Sir Volney gone, we are down to 19. Sir Fuad and the Gypsy have pledged their allegiance but both are fickle and can be bought for a song. If they go, we are down to 17 and there are potentially 16 on the other side.
Now, there are eight more provinces between our allies in COP and Tobago, at least four of which have been silent about their allegiance. Suppose Sir Spalk and the two from Tobago join the Green Army? Then that would mean they need…
Lady Prime Minister: Oh gosh, this is Maths class or what? Listen, I want to rule; not go to school. Last time I checked my plates said PM1. Who has the helicopter? Who has the police escorts? Whose relatives running around in the Prime Minister’s residence? I’m the Head Nubian in Charge here! Sugar Aloes said so himself!
Lord Roodal: Milady, I have a riddle for you. Three ambitious noblemen battle for a province in Chaguanas West: a hand-picked queen, an unknown miller and a rich knave. Each tells the people: “Vote for me.” Which one wins?
PM: The one with the richest financiers.
Roodal: But two promise more goodies than the people could comprehend. Do you think the voters add up the value of the gifts before they headed to the polls? If it were just about money, why do the financiers not just send their office boys to run for lordship?
PM: Steups. So who wins then?
Roodal: Power is a trick, milady; a shadow on the wall. It is not about what you do; it is about what you make them think you can and will do. The one with the most impressive shadow puppets will win.
PM: Steuuuuups. Lady Khadijah, anybody asked anything about shadow puppets in Chaguanas last month? Oh ho! I thought I was the only one who drink this morning yes. If you, mister, knew so much about shadow puppets, why the hell were you only talking about malas before the elections?
Roodal: It was just a metaphor. Like Mala. I thought Mala could have been our “Radica” or “Rebecca.” You see, if people identify with…
Sir Suraj: Look nah, this ent no flipping road march contest you know! You are a DJ?! Eh?! Is you and that kind of stupidness that causing the party to buss. You all should have listened to me and properly trashed the knave’s reputation; and let the people see who he really is.
Anand: And where we going to buy him a reputation that you could trash? From FIFA? CONCACAF? You want to annoy a pig by throwing mud at it? I feel your head bald cause nothing could grow up there yes.
Suraj: Hear nah… You see you and that stupid pholourie with legs!
(Tempers flare and Lord Chandresh hides under the table and starts sobbing)
PM: Dear, dear. Come out Chandresh. See what you all did?! He is having a teacup flashback! Come Chandresh… Anand will pass the Dangerous Dogs Act just now; you won’t have to worry about Sir Growley.
Anand: Forget Growley. He could bark outside as much as he wants. It is Lord Jack who could upset the game. Offer him something valuable, milady. Stroke his ego and bide your time.
Suruj: Make peace with that bandit?! Are you mad?! I mean I thought it was bad enough when he thief the Centre of Excellence from CONCACAF… A big multi-million dollar complex right out in the open for everybody to see… But now the man thief a whole constituency!
Anand: Milady, we only make peace with our enemies. Bide your time. Eventually, the Feds will send their men and I will sign the papers. In the meantime, we must not let him suspect a thing; we must use this bacchanal as cover for what we need to get done. Remember chaos is not a pit; chaos is a ladder.
PM: Your memory short or what? You know what happened the last time somebody brought a ladder in this office? Eh? You better ask Bas about that.
Roodal: Let me tell you a story…
All: Shut up! Go get some balls, man! See if you could find Mala!
(Meanwhile, behind the iron throne…)
Lord Chandresh: Can you imagine that with just two more provinces on his side, Jack can call a no confidence motion against the PM?
Sir Glenn: Haha. Yes. And he so chupid he might actually call one too, with his seven measly provinces. Hahaha.
Chandresh: You think Growley would vote for Kamla if Jack called a no-confidence motion?
Chandresh: Sometimes I wonder if you got your doctorate on ebay like the rest of them you know. No wonder you only treat pets! Do you think Sir Growley would say he has confidence in the Prime Minister? Think about it…
Glenn: Oh-ho! I think I see what you’re saying. That means… (Pause) I’m not sure what that means.
Chandresh: Steups. The things you not sure about could fill the Rienzi Complex! It means a combination of the green army and the PNM can remove our Lady Prime Minister from the iron throne at any time!
Glenn: But the Feds would stop him.
Chandresh: Who will authorize the Feds if Jack files a no confidence motion and throws the iron throne into chaos?
Glenn: Waaaay… (He scratches his chin with a thoughtful expression)
Chandresh: (Takes a deep breath) Listen carefully. Let’s say the Prime Minister keeps her 17 provinces plus those run by Prakash, Dooks, Carolyn, Lincoln and the Pastor. That is 22.
Jack has seven to add to Growley’s 12, which equals 19… Two provinces can decide the ruler of the iron throne. It would bring the Prime Minister down to 20 and lift the Opposition to 21. (He drops his voice to a whisper) Imagine what those two provinces could be worth. I bet Lord Jack would pay anything for them. (Long pause) The future of the kingdom could be in two hands! (Pause. He holds Glenn’s hand) See? Two hands! We could ask for anything!
Glenn: Yes. Two hands! You are right! Hehhehheh. (Whispers) But what neemakaram would betray our Prime Minister for that Lagahoo?
Chandresh: (Sighs) What constituency voted for you again?
Glenn: Caroni Central.
Chandresh: Remind me to ensure that we open more schools there…
(Trinidad and Tobago’s Game of Thrones will continue… probably for the next two years.)
Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked; no offence is meant to any party including those who have probably earned it.