Scene: Office of the Prime Minister
Attorney General Anand Ramlogan closes the door quietly behind him.
Attorney General: Good day, Prime Minister.
Prime Minister: “Good day?!” Are you crazy?! Haven’t you seen the papers today?!
AG: Relax, my lady. Everything is under control…
PM: What the hell are you talking about?! You were hopeless! You wondered if Rowley went to see “Star Trek Into Darkness?” Is that the best you could come up with?!
(Ramlogan puts his drink down and glares at the Prime Minister)
AG: Have you even seen Star Trek, Prime Minister? Eh? Do you know what it’s about? An egotistic madman from inside the Enterprise tried to mash up the entire fleet jes so… I was thinking of asking Jack to go and watch it with me.
PM: Who cares?! Mind you don’t end up with plenty time to watch movies with Jack!
AG (takes a deep breath): My lady, Rowley is a fool. Those emails say nothing. Trust me.
PM: What do you mean?
AG: Take this one for instance. You said: “I do not want this to blow up in our faces. This has to be done seamlessly.” And I replied: “Will he be on board. I don’t want surprises.”
AG: It is obvious that we are preparing for my birthday party and you were talking about those exploding candles I asked for. I was just going over the guest list with you.
PM: What?! But your birthday was in August and those emails were in September…
AG: And that is why you are the greatest and most kind Prime Minister this country has ever seen; such visionary forward thinking.
PM (steupsing): What about when I asked about the DPP?
AG: You were concerned as to whether he would come.
PM: I told you that you were asking for too much money. And you replied that we were the ones taking the risk and that you wanted a helipad…
AG: Party promoting is a risky, expensive business. And, yes, I still think the helipad would make an excellent birthday present.
PM: You said: “There is no price for freedom.”
AG: I meant she could leave her husband at home.
PM: What about you threatening the Guardian to block a story?
AG: I never did that.
PM: You said: “I need you to get your feelers out there and nip the story. Call the Sunday Guardian Editor and threaten her with ads if you have too just make sure the article does not come out.”
AG: Haha. That was obviously a typo. I said make sure the story does come out. The “not” was unintentional.
PM: So why did you say “nip the story?”
AG: Because I wanted to put it in my clippings collection.
PM: What? That does not make sense.
AG: Do you want common sense or the truth?
(Prime Minister pauses, sips from her glass and stares intently in the distance)
PM: I’m not sure how to answer that.
AG: Excellent answer, Prime Minister. That is precisely why you hired me.
(The Prime Minister nods and seems reassured)
PM: What about this talk of taps on the DPP?
AG: That is a normal vetting procedure for house guests. Remember he was invited to our party?
PM: Isn’t that excessive?
AG: Well, it is nothing next to the security of the State.
PM: No. I mean isn’t it a violation of his rights?
AG: Well, he is the one who wanted to be DPP. Not so?
PM: I suppose that’s true… But look here you called the Guardian reporter a “f***ing whore” and a “bitch?” What the hell is wrong with you?
AG: That’s just street slang, my lady. We’re cool like that.
PM: What? You said you wanted to slow her down and you wanted to know if she drives or walks. You were even talking about her family and health records…
AG: I was thinking of inviting her to my party too. I wanted to see if she was my type. Did you see anything bad happen to her? Of course not. Rowley is just talking his usual nonsense.
PM: Anan, did you see how everyone was talking about this? It is really serious this time.
AG: It is Anand.
PM: I said that.
AG: No, you didn’t. But don’t worry. Even I get mixed up sometimes.
PM: Anand, so what now?
AG: Listen, there is only one jackass with the means and motive to cause all this trouble. I don’t know why you went and made him National Security Minister and give him access to all the spying equipment?! Did you see how his little mini-Santa Claus partner was scampering out of Parliament right after Rowley spoke? Steups.
PM: You think it was Jack in truth?!
AG: I would never put anything past that neemakaram.
PM: So should we rest some mud back on him?
AG: Dey have pigs that live in less mud than him. He would probably enjoy it.
PM: So what then?
AG: Leave him for a next time and change the topic. Get people talking about something else; Calder Hart, Duprey, Chaguanas West, Lasana Liburd, anything…
PM: What does Liburd have to do with anything?
AG: That’s exactly my point.
PM: What point?
AG: I’m glad you follow.
PM: Follow you where?
AG: Precisely. Logically-speaking, of course.
PM: What logic? Stop doing that! My head hurts!
AG: That’s an excellent plan, my lady. Leave it to me and I can play that mind trick on the electorate as well.
(Prime Minister pauses and cocks her head)
PM: Okay. But, just so you know,you will be the one getting kicked into darkness if this doesn’t work. Understood?
AG: Yes, Prime Minister.
Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked. No offence is meant at parties named; although they probably deserve it.