Don’t you know… I was a designated driver

Scene: Office of the Minister of National Security.

Phone rings…

Minister Warner: “Good afternoon, Jack speaking.”

Acting COP Williams: “Good afternoon Jack, Stephen here.”

Warner: “Ah, Stephen, how are you today?”

Williams: “Well, actually, I’ve had the President on the phone to me.”

Warner: “Maxwell called you?”

Williams: “Yes, and he was calling from his home.”

Warner: “Cheups. Everytime I hear about Maxwell and his house, I get a craving for coffee. That’s why I only sleep 4 hours a night; it’s all this damn coffee. I can’t wait for President Camomile to take over…”

Williams: Well, anyway Minister, this one is pressing and I’ve been trying to reach you all morning.”

Warner: “Stephen, it’s Carnival. I’ve spent most of the day watching drunken adults, dressed in bizarre clothes talking sorts of gibberish and generally making fools of themselves.”

Williams: “You’ve been playing mas?”

Warner: “No, we had a Cabinet retreat.”

Williams: “Ahmmm… Minister, the President is very concerned about all of these drink driving accidents. He wants to know what we’re doing about it.”

(Courtesy lawiscool.com)
(Courtesy lawiscool.com)

Warner: “Did you tell him our plan?”

Williams: “Well, I told him about the zero tolerance thing but he wasn’t happy with how we have been implementing it.”

Warner: “Why not?”

Williams: “Well, he said that zero tolerance doesn’t mean that we breathalyse nobody. He said that we should breathalyse everyone and charge anyone over the limit.”

Warner: “Did you tell him that this would make the government unpopular and lose us votes? What the young people would sing about: ‘Rum til I die suddenly in a car accident and leave my girlfriend for Raymond Ramnarine to marrid’?”

Williams: “He said our duty is to protect the public, not protect the politicians.”

Warner: “What else did he say?”

Williams: “He asked why we’re paying so much overtime, yet we’re still always undermanned.”

Warner: “Did you tell him that we have a large number of officers off sick with flu? Flu is always a problem at this time of year.”

Williams: “I told him that but he seemed to be suggesting that these officers on sick leave are actually providing security at the fetes and with the bands.”

Warner: “Nonsense. What does he base these ridiculous accusations on?”

Williams: “Well, he emailed me a photo with four policemen who work at the President’s House and are currently on sick leave. It was taken at Beach House and they were wearing black security jerseys.”

Warner: “You would think he would be too old to do anything but rubber stamp our legislation eh? Cheups.”

Williams: “Anyway, the President asked why we are not breathalysing more people at this time of year.”

Warner: “Stephen, you know and I know that it’s just wrong to stop decent citizens and subject them to a breath test. We have to target those we believe are drinking and driving.”

Williams: “I agree. I tried to explain to the President that officers are trained to act on police intelligence.”

Warner: “Good. What did he say?”

Williams: “He said I shouldn’t use the words ‘police’ and ‘intelligence’ in the same sentence. He said that it doesn’t take a detective to work out that if there are 4,000 people at an all-inclusive fete and a third as many vehicles, then the best way to ensure road safety is to breathalyse everyone with a car key.”

Warner: “Is he mad? That would delay everyone from driving to the next fete.”

Williams: “Well, he seemed to think that this would send a strong message and help to stop people drinking and driving and therefore save lives.”

Warner: “Did you point out that most cars have designated drivers?”

Williams: “He said that people have the wrong idea about designated drivers. When they designate a driver, it just means that he is designated to carry the group home but he drinks as much as everyone else.”

Warner: “So it’s not enough to criticise political appointees eh? He wants to question designated drivers too. Cheups. Stall him until the next President is sworn in, oui. I will take my chances with President Corona.”

 

Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked. No offence is meant at parties named; although they probably deserve it.

More from Wired868
Don’t Count on Colm! Chutney bacchanal as Finance Minister gets his Count wrong on CSM funding

Okay, so who’s playing up with their Count at the Ministry of Finance? Just hours after, Chutney Soca Monarch (CSM) Read more

POS Mayor pays final disrespects to dead Carnival masquerader; Mr Live Wire fires back

Here’s a brain teaser for Wired868 readers. A well known member of society gave the following quote: “I spoke of Read more

International Soca Mystery: Live Wire investigates a carnival conundrum

Question: If 20 people sang, wined and jumped up on a stage and nobody got a trophy, did it really Read more

Destra cancels QoB show normal normal; Trinis can’t afford bacchanal

Anytime the following three words, “Trinbagonians”, “frugal” and “Carnival”, can be found in the same sentence, thou knowest the time Read more

Keithos, Fazeer, Machel: Live Wire reads T&T’s New Year Temperature gauge

Scene: Office of the Minister of Satire. The phone rings. Mr Live Wire: Hello? Caller (singing): Should old acquaintance be Read more

Is Imbert working with gas or full of it? Live Wire looks at the Budget in brief

The good news is that Trinidad and Tobago citizens are about to have their country open up more than ever Read more

About Filbert Street

Filbert Street is a real columnist who works in a fantasy world that sometimes resembles our own.

Check Also

Daly Bread: The road make to walk; preserve Pan On The Avenue!

The centrality of the Panorama competition to the steelband movement cannot be doubted.  However, there …

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.