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The Troll War: Obama losing ground in new age Russian battle

Even former US Republican vice-presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, is probably aware that there is something going on in Syria these days.

Yesterday, United Nations investigators confirmed that Syrian rebels were subjected to the worst chemical attack witnessed in 25 years and the trajectory of the rockets shows they were fired from an area held by the Syrian government.

Photo: Syria president Bashar al-Assad: Barack said I did what? But I wasn't even home, the glove doesn't fit, the dog ate my chemical weapons, Rowley faked those emails... (Courtesy Guardian.com)
Photo: Syria president Bashar al-Assad: Barack said I did what? But I wasn’t even home, the glove doesn’t fit, the dog ate my chemical weapons, Rowley faked those emails…
(Courtesy Guardian.com)

There is no evidence to suggest that anyone but Syria president Bashar al-Assad had control of chemical weapons in the war-torn country, which could only mean one thing.

“No one doubts that poison gas was used in Syria,” wrote Russia president Vladimir Putin, in the New York Times. “But there is every reason to believe it was used not by the Syrian Army, but by opposition forces, to provoke intervention by their powerful foreign patrons, who would be siding with the fundamentalists.”

Two things: first, Putin not only bizarrely suggested that besieged Syrian rebels broke into the most heavily fortified real estate under al-Assad’s command; but that they did so with the purpose of using the most horrific weapons available on their own families rather than the enemy.

Second, the Russian president, who is not very big on the press in his homeland, is not satisfied to share his intelligence-altering opinion with every microphone within his reach; he went as far as to become a Times freelance columnist to ensure his words violated the sanctity of United States president Barack Obama’s head space.

Mr Live Wire presumes that Putin’s article ended with the note: the Russia president has donated his fee from this column to help pay Edward Snowden’s grocery bill.

Photo: That one may smile and smile and be a troll... (Courtesy Businessinsider.com)
Photo: That one may smile and smile and be a troll…
(Courtesy Businessinsider.com)

Putin, in short, is trolling the US president. For the internet neophytes, this means that the Russia president is: deliberately trying to rile his US counterpart while pretending to truly believe the validity of the nonsense he is saying.

Obama’s first response was to ignore Putin. His second was to be dismissive.

“Nobody around the world takes seriously the idea that the rebels were the perpetrators of this,” said Obama.

Both methods were ineffective.

“Some colleagues jumped to conclusions when they said the attack was by government forces,” said Russian ambassador, Vitaly Churkin, yesterday. “We have not even had a chance to look at the report. We have just had a quick glance. The allegations that it was the opposition cannot be simply shrugged off.”

So Russia will hold on its theory of sadomasochistic Syrian rebels while publicly admitting its disinterest in any facts that might suggest otherwise.

Photo: US president Barack Obama: Wait, did Russia seriously say that?
Photo: US president Barack Obama: Wait, did Russia seriously say that?

Forget the Cold War, this is the Troll War. And, having eliminated mass murderer Osama Bin Laden, it would be a shame if historians remember Obama for being trolled out of the White House.

Mr Live Wire, who had some experience in being trolled by local lawyers, will like to offer his assistance in the art of counter-trolling.

First, sow some mischief yourself; everyone has insecurity, so aim for his.

“What a pleasant surprise, Vla; I thought Snowden said you usually take your shirt off and go on long, private, romantic rides with your horse on Tuesdays.”

Feign sympathy for his new role as peacemaker.

“Vla, you used to be so tough. But we all get old, eh? I mean I got Bin Laden between the eyes; but you arrested Pussy Riots, right? That must have got the blood pumping and made all the ladies tremble, eh?”

Lightly bring up a painful memory.

“Level with me, Vla. This is about Muammar, right? You’re running out of powerful friends aren’t you? Don’t worry, I heard Jack Warner kept Chaguanas West…”

Or, if you’re sure that you’re nuclear defense system works, then go straight for the nuts with some questions on his soon-to-be ex-wife.

Photo: Civil war, Vladimir? Russia president Vladimir Putin (right) and his wife, Lyudmila, announced their separation in June.
Photo: Civil war, Vladimir?
Russia president Vladimir Putin (right) and his wife, Lyudmila, announced their separation in June.

“Michelle and I were wondering… How are things with Lyudmila? Is she coming back to you? Shall we send Oprah over to help? You know there’re loads of drugs over here that might sort out your little problem, right? Shall I have Hugh Hefner recommend some?”

Let the big boys discuss Syria in peace, okay Vla? Obama, your invoice is in the mail.

About Mr. Live Wire

Mr. Live Wire
Mr. Live Wire is an avid news reader who translates media reports for persons who can handle the truth. And satire. Unlike Jack Nicholson, he rarely yells.

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