Scene: Campaign lunch for the Independent Liberal Party.
A skinny bearded man approaches Jack Warner.
Man: “Ah Mr Warner, I thought I would pass by and show my support.”
Jack: “Kublasingh, what are you doing here? The buffet’s over there.”
Wayne: “Jack, I’m a philosophical person. Just because you and I had our disagreement that doesn’t mean I won’t support your worthwhile cause. After all, the survival of the planet is more important than our petty squabble?”
Jack: “What are you talking about, man? What do you mean by ‘survival of the planet?’ You’re still lightheaded from that fast?”
Wayne: “Jack, when I saw that you were creating a party to join with all of the international environmental bodies, I knew I had to lend my support. It is great to see that you’re standing up for the environment.”
Jack: “Don’t be so stupid. Environment? What gave you that crazy idea? The only thing we are recycling here is councillors!”
Wayne: “But you chose green as your party’s colour and that stands for the environment. Do you know the UK has a Green party? And then there’s Greenpeace and…”
Jack: “Nonsense. I didn’t choose green to represent the environment.”
Wayne: “So what does green represent, then?”
Jack: “US dollars. Now get lost before you spoil the mood of this thing. Here comes Anil and I need to speak to him.”
Anil Roberts walks over.
Anil: “Jack, wasn’t that Kublasingh? Is he here for the free food?”
Jack: “As usual, Anil, you’re late with the jokes. I already did that one. Now, I need to talk to you about how you’re handling of the Ministry of Sport’s budget.”
Anil: “Well, I’m still following your guidelines, but damn people keep asking ‘where de money gone?’”
Jack: “They’ve been asking me that for over 20 years and I still haven’t answered. You need to go on the attack.”
Anil: “This is all very complicated.”
Jack: “Is you who’s over complicating the thing. How could you tell people that you spent $180,000 on a funeral? Who did you bury – The Invaders Steel Pan Orchestra?!”
Anil: “But that was the money I put aside for your campaign, Jack. Remember you said that you needed enough money to bury Kamla? Well, that’s what gave me the idea to hide it so.”
Jack: “Steups. You’re trying to be too damn clever. You have to remember KISS.”
Anil (lowering his voice): “You mean the kiss in room 201?”
Jack: “No, man. KISS! Keep It Simple Stupid. All this imagination is a waste of time. You should have just put it down as purchase of footballs for the Life Sport programme or something. Nobody ever checks those figures.”
Anil (laughs awkwardly): “Oh, right… Haha… So Jack… You really think you could suppress that video of me… Ahmm… The one where I was learning Spanish, nah. You feel you make it go away if you win?”
Jack: “Doh hot yuh head, Anil. When I win Chaguanas West, I will prove once and for all that this is a country full of prostitutes! Who would feel brave enough to point fingers at you then? Eh? Oh gorm. Look Wayne lie down and blocking progress again. Steups. Let me look for Williams to move him for me.”
Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked; no offence is meant at parties named; although they probably deserve it.