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Million dollar cocaine bust-up; arrests not included

Scene: Office of the Acting Commissioner of Police

Phone rings.

Acting Commissioner of Police Stephen Williams: “Good morning, Williams of Scotland Yard speaking. Hee hee.”

Assistant Superintendent of Police Joanne Archie: “Good morning, Mr Williams, Joanne here.”

Williams: “Ah, Joanne, how are you today? What can I do to you, I mean, for you?”

Archie: “Sir, I am calling about the cocaine bust…”

Williams: “Ah yes. Great news, isn’t it? It is a major coup in the war on crime and lets the Prime Minister and let the public know that the police are on top of things. That is what handling your business looks like Jo. Do you want us to cut you in on the credit? We can discuss it you know.”

Photo: Cocaine exhibit.
Photo: Cocaine exhibit.

Archie: “Credit?! Are you serious, Sir? This is a disaster; not a success story.”

Williams: “What?! Are we talking about the same thing? After three days of surveillance by my best men, we took $100 million worth of cocaine off the streets. Where do you see a disaster in that? Clearly you don’t understand how to tackle crime in this country.”

Archie: “But we didn’t arrest anyone…”

Williams: “That’s not important, Archie. We took the drugs off the streets and hurt the drug lords where it matters; in their pockets.”

Archie: “But everybody knows that it’s not the drugs that are important, it’s the gang leaders and the big fish. All that will happen is the street price of cocaine will go up. The drug dealers might actually benefit from this.”

Williams: “Nonsense. This is a major victory for our wonderful policemen”

Archie: “So you mean to say we staked out an abandoned property for three days and nobody approached the property? $100 million worth of cocaine was abandoned for any vagrant or piper to help himself to it? The drug lord didn’t even have someone to keep an eye on it?”

Williams: “Miss Archie, I’m disappointed in your attitude. We took the drugs off the streets and disrupted the gangs’ supply chain. Now, that is our job as policemen isn’t it?”

Archie: “Perhaps. But the drug men who lost that shipment probably ordering another batch right now. So where does that leave us? Why didn’t we use the cocaine to lead us to the key players? Maybe we could have even infiltrated the gang by sending in undercover officers. I just don’t understand why we didn’t try to arrest anyone.”

Williams: “Undercover officer? The last time I read about one of those was when Griffith was guarding Panday’s residence! Haha. You don’t understand the politics, Archie. When I briefed the security council about the drugs, I was ordered to make the raid immediately to avoid the drugs hitting our streets. They said that was more important than identifying any big fish.”

Archie: “Can’t you see a pattern here, Sir? We gather the intelligence and before we can track down the big players, we’re told to seize the drugs and round up the small fry. We haven’t arrested a drug lord for years. We haven’t smashed any drug rings. Maybe we should stop reporting everything to the government and act independently.”

Williams: “And how, exactly, will that help me get the Police Commissioner’s job? Eh? How long you feel I could act for? I know what it is you know… You trying to tell me that a Deputy Essential, right? Is a deputy you looking for? Hahaha.”

Archie: “Sorry Sir. Woman don’t like sorf man.”

*Click*

 

Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked. No offence is meant at parties named; although they probably deserve it.

 

About Filbert Street

Filbert Street
Filbert Street is a real columnist who works in a fantasy world that sometimes resembles our own.

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