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Lies, damn lies and statistics

Scene: An unknown place of great beauty

Jack Warner (looking around, bewildered): “Who are you?”

Deity: “I am known by many names, but you would know me as God.”

Jack: “God? But you don’t look anything like Morgan Freeman!”

God: “Sigh. Ever since “Bruce Almighty” everyone seems disappointed when they meet me.”

Jack: “But if you are God, that, of course, means I’m in Heaven. Ha ha ha. They called me the devil but I knew I’d make it here. It was worth the millions of dollars of donations.”

God: “You can’t buy your way into Heaven, especially when I doubt that the money was yours to donate in the first place.”

Jack: “So what is this place, if it’s not Heaven?”

God: “This is your place of reckoning. From here, you will either travel north or south.”

Jack: “So it’s like the Grand Bazaar interchange? I built that, you know.”

God: “This is not a place to tell untruths my friend. This is a time to tell the truth, to reflect on your errors of judgement and to show remorse for your sins. You may well have finished the Grand Bazaar interchange, but it was your political opponents who conceived it and began its construction. From now on my friend, you must tell only the truth.”

Jack: “So I’m here for you to decide my fate?”

God: “Exactly. I’ve been watching you for some time now, and to be honest, I’m intrigued. Have you ever really told the truth to anyone?”

Jack: “But of course. I have a reputation for honesty and integrity and for being a man of action who works hard for his constituents.”

God: “I will let that one slide because I think you’re actually starting to believe that nonsense. Now, I have had many tests to decide the fate of people who arrive here, but my favourite has always been the Benjamin Disraeli test.”

Jack: “What is that?”

God: “Disraeli said there are three kinds of lies: Lies, damn lies and statistics. If you have told all three kinds of lies, you will spend eternity with Satan. If you have told just one, I will allow you into Heaven on a trial basis to see if you repent.”

Jack: “What if you think that I’ve told two kinds of lies?”

God: “Then you will go to hell.”

Jack: “But isn’t that the same as spending an eternity with Satan?”

God: “No, hell for you is going back to earth as an Opposition MP.”

Jack: “You’re right, that would be hell.”

God: “Now, I’m going to ask you three questions and your answers will determine your fate. Question one: Where is the missing hundred million dollars from the 2006 World Cup?”

Jack: “I don’t know. Richard Groden hid it. Oliver Camps stole it. Brent Sancho broke into my office and took it away. It was Rowley; he got his criminal friends to take it from me.”

God: “You’re allowed only one answer.”

Jack: “Erm… I don’t know, your Godship.”

God: “Strike one! That is a lie. Second question: What happened to the US$250,000 that was supposed to be sent to the earthquake victims in Haiti?”

Jack: “Oh God. I never received it. Sepp Blatter was lying. Bin Hammam took it away on his plane. Chuck Blazer’s got it. It was eaten by mice…”

God: “Stop! One answer please.”

Jack: “I sent it to Haiti. Someone there must have stolen it”

God: “Strike two! That is a damned lie. Third question: Why did you accuse the PNM of murdering that man in Laventille?”

Jack: “Aha, I can do this one! You see, God, I developed a fantastic crime plan that prevented any murders in Laventille for 30 days. Thirty days! And Rowley and his mob said that this was a false sta, sta, sta (clears throat) figure. They were just waiting for a murder so they could say that I failed. But I didn’t fail. It was 30 days without a murder; 30 days”

God: “Thirty days, you say? That sounds like a statistic to me.”

Jack: “No God, it’s not a statistic, it’s just a number. In fact, I’ve completely banned crime statistics. I’m like you, God, I don’t trust them.”

(God consults with the Holy Trinity)

God: “Well, okay. You will get the benefit of the doubt.”

Jack: “Thank you God, thank you.”

God: “But that means you failed two out of three questions.”

Jack: “Are you sure? I mean technically that’s only two thirds or 66.6% recurring.”

God: “And we know what three 6’s equates to, don’t we?”

Jack: “That’s the number of the beast. (Gulps) You’re sending me to Satan for eternity?”

God: “No, you’re going back to work for Keith Rowley.”

Jack: (screaming): “Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”


Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked; no offence is meant at parties named although they probably deserve it


About Filbert Street

Filbert Street
Filbert Street is a real columnist who works in a fantasy world that sometimes resembles our own.

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One comment

  1. lol I don’t know how i missed this one…i luv it!