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Scene: Office of Caribbean Football Union President, Gordon Derrick.
The telephone rings.
“Good morning, Bonjour, Buenos Dias, Goedemorgan, Guten morgen, Chow Baby, Gordon Derrick speaking.”
Photo: Recently elected CFU president Gordon Derrick
“Uhm, Good morning, Mr Derrick. Sepp Blatter here.”
“Ah, your Lordship. How are you, sir?”
“I’m very well, Mr Derrick. However, I have a couple of concerns that I need to discuss with you.”
“Fire away, your Highness.”
“Well, the first issue concerns a conflict of interest involving your football team, Antigua Barricuda. Does it seem fair to you that your team should gain automatic entry to the CFU Club Championship on the grounds that you are the President of the CFU?”
“Why not, your Majesty? If you recall, Mr Warner’s team, Joe Pubic, often competed in the CFU Championship.”
“Yes, but his team had to qualify; yours gets automatic entry.”
“But anybody can put together six or seven professional teams in Antigua and Barbuda and form a professional league. That would then give them an opportunity to represent the nation in the CFU alongside Barracuda.”
“So, if there is a professional league, Barracuda would take part and qualify that way?”
“O Great One, don’t be naive. Barracuda play in a far superior league to any local leagues. They would always receive automatic entry.”
“But don’t you see that it then appears you are giving your own team an advantage?”
“Your Highness, you will always get jealous people trying to criticise and cause trouble. Now what was the second problem?”
“Ah, yes. Your application to Mr Platini to host the 2020 Euros in the Caribbean.”
“Yes. A fantastic proposal, don’t you think, M’Lord?”
“Well, it’s certainly novel. But one of the key elements of the Euros is that they are held, well, in Europe.”
“I disagree, your Lordship. Turkey has been considered and 97% of Turkey is in Asia. When you consider that the majority of the Caribbean was once European colonies, I think you’ll find more European blood in the Caribbean than in Turkey.”
“An interesting point. But how would you host the tournament? No individual nation would be able to host 24 visiting nations.”
“Good point, your Highness. But Michel Platini is already considering hosting the 2020 Euros in up to 12 separate countries.”
“European countries, may I point out, Gordon.”
“Yes but we can do the same. The Dutch can play in Curacao, Spain in Puerto Rico, Portugal in Barbados, Sweden in Guadeloupe, England in Trinidad, Scotland in Tobago, Wales in Jamaica, Northern Ireland in Bahamas, Malta in Tortuga, France in Martinique or Guadeloupe, the list goes on. We could host 24 nations in 24 different Caribbean countries. ”
“But it would be very impractical, Gordon.”
“Not so, Supremo. Think of it. The supporters would love the Caribbean sunshine. Travel is cheaper than the 2012 finals. And the hotels are far superior.”
“What about stadia? There are only a handful of stadia in the Caribbean capable of staging the matches, am I right?”
“Well, my Liege, we will have to build a few. But Caribbean football needs investment in infrastructure and this will really kick-start the resurgence of football in the region.”
“And where will the final be held?”
“Actually, plans are already well advanced to build a 100,000 seater stadium in the Antiguan capital, St Gordon’s.”
“You mean, St John’s.”
“Well, it’s called St Johns at the momen, but that may be changing soon”
“A 100.000 seater? But the population of Antigua and Barbuda is less than 90,000.”
“That’s right, Fuhrer, so there’ll be plenty of seat allocations for the corporate sponsors.”
“I don’t know if I could support this proposal, Gordon; it’s very adventurous”
“Well, Pharaoh, I wanted to ask your assistance with this. I need somebody like yourself to act as a consultant with stadium construction.”
“Stadium construction?”
“Yes, mighty Caesar; there will be a massive consultancy fee paid to someone to “facilitate” the construction.”
“Oh… I see. Well, Gordon, I believe this idea of yours merits some further consideration. Let me get back to you on this. This plan really fits into FIFA’s vision of bringing football to every corner of the globe. You’ll be hearing from me shortly.”
“Thank you, Pontiff, I await your call.”
Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked; no offence is meant at parties named although they probably deserve it
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Filbert Street is a real columnist who works in a fantasy world that sometimes resembles our own.
