Satirical shorts: King James stirs Bernabeu; Barcelona, Brazil scrape barrel

Twenty-three year old James Rodriguez became the most expensive Colombian footballer of all time yesterday when the former Monaco attacker was unveiled as Real Madrid’s latest Galactico.

Rodriguez marked his coming out ceremony at the Estadio Bernabeu by kicking footballs into the crowd and saving one exuberant spectator from being battered by club security.

Photo: New Real Madrid signing James Rodriguez (right) intervenes for a fan during his unveiling.
Photo: New Real Madrid signing James Rodriguez (right) intervenes for a fan during his unveiling.

Mr Live Wire cannot confirm that the pitch invader was Barcelona and Argentina hardman Javier Mascherano trying to land an early tackle.

Rodriguez, who joins German Toni Kroos at Madrid, cost £60 million, which would raise eyebrows once the conversation does not turn to his compatriot and pop star, Shakira. She could probably raise that money in half hour if she asks her Facebook followers for TT$6 each.

Shakira, of course, has dated Spain and Barcelona defender Gerard Piqué for the past four years. But Barcelona’s recent captures have been nowhere near as glamorous or reassuring.

This season, Barcelona splashed out £75 million for Uruguay striker Luis Suarez who the club could not even present to its fans as he is serving a FIFA-imposed three month restraining order from all football grounds after nibbling on Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini during the 2014 World Cup.

It was the third time that Suarez tried to snack on an opponent and, presumably, someone at Barcelona is trying to explain to him the difference between a buffet and stadium.

Photo: Uruguay forward Luis Suarez (left) discovers that Italy defender Giorgio Chiellini surprisingly tastes nothing like panini. (Copyright AFP 2014/Javier Soriano)
Photo: Uruguay forward Luis Suarez (left) discovers that Italy defender Giorgio Chiellini surprisingly tastes nothing like panini.
(Copyright AFP 2014/Javier Soriano)

Mr Live Wire is pretty sure there will be no pitch invasions when Barcelona finally unveils the hungry Uruguayan.

At the other end, Barcelona tried to shore up its leaky back four by signing French defender Jérémy Mathieu for £14 million; to which even French football fans might have asked: “Qui?”

At 30, Mathieu has made all of two appearances for the France national team and none were in competitive matches while he was not in France’s 2014 World Cup squad. Barcelona gave him a four-year contract.

Suddenly, Suarez’s signing does not seem so bizarre anymore.

But the Brazilian Football Confederation (CBF) was a clear frontrunner in a week of dodgy decision making after opting to replace Luis Scolari, the coach who led the Selecao to a humiliating 2014 World Cup semifinal exit with Carlos Dunga, the coach who led the Selecao to an uninspiring 2010 World Cup quarterfinal exit.

Give them time; the CBF will work their way down to Dave Moyes eventually.

Photo: Hey! Is that you Moyes-ie?!
Photo: Hey! Is that you Moyes-ie?!
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About Mr. Live Wire

Mr. Live Wire is an avid news reader who translates media reports for persons who can handle the truth. And satire. Unlike Jack Nicholson, he rarely yells.

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  1. I must admit… This Real Madrid squad doesn’t seem far off the famous Ronaldo/Zidane Galacticos!
    But then I’m not sure that they have someone of the stature of Ronaldo (original) or Zidane.

  2. He is decent but he has Thigo Silva playing behind him….. without a calming influence he can easily be another David Luiz…

  3. Seen him a few times, when they play Champs league last year, don’t see much French league in USA other than highlights – but I’ve seen pundits hype him before as a big young defender like Varane. But I can’t say that I’m certain

  4. He dat good Collin? Haven’t seen PSG playing

  5. Hmm boys on ESPN FC rumouring PSG young Brazil defender Marquinhos to Barca potentially.

  6. Bale will be the player of the year. Now completely settled and adored by the fans, he can do no wrong! I find you a bit unfair (jokingly in part but only) with Mathieu. He has been considered regularly in Spain as one of the top defenders of la Liga with Valence even though it was hard for him to displace a guy of the calibre of Patrice Evra. We will see how well he contributes to the Barca revival.

    • Well, I take your point about Mathieu being a respected defender in Spain. But it is not only that he couldn’t replace Evra. Clichy was ahead of them too and unproven 21-year-old Lucas Digne got in the France squad ahead of them for the World Cup.
      What I will say is that Mathieu isn’t a Galactico and there seems to be a big difference between signing stars like Neymar and Suarez upfront and then him at the back. But I do wish him well and maybe he will prove doubters wrong.
      I also think Bale will do very well.

  7. While I’m excited about James going to Madrid like everyone & seeing their frontline vs Barca. I’m wondering if those Financial Fair Play (FFP) people that recently suspended a few aspects of Man City, PSG spending – will have anything to about what Madrid are doing.

  8. Oh he will be able to run… but we will have to see if he can still glide past players…. that injury will hamper his ability to find that next gear he had….

  9. Di Maria came into form middle of season….. him coming into form forced Bale to come good…. If Bale stays healthy for the whole season, Di Maria being sold will not hurt as much…. but if he (Bale) goes down early like last year, they may regret allowing Di maria to come off the books… But they need cash to balance that Rodriguez trade….

  10. Neymar will be fine, I read that Xavi is on his way out to MLS

  11. he (xavi) need to play more like how man u play giggs 2 seasons ago… but not sure if they use current system that would be possible…. think if they go to a more traditional 451 the may be able to cover him and iniesta… but no suarez earlyand bad back neymar will put unecessary load on some old legs… the one thing they will have is a MESSI who is actually healthy and seething that he lost the WC….. think that may be a positive..

  12. Although I think bale would be better this season…

  13. They will miss Di Maria if he’s sold.

  14. I don’t think Xavi will play much this season. Maybe the Croat or Mascherano can do some work in midfield this time.
    Barca starts with Suarez suspended and Messi and Neymar hoping to shake off rough world cups. I think they will struggle.

  15. Barca will be Barca…. but they will be under some pressure if they have to play catch up to Real late in the season…. Rodriguez and Kroos gives Real options to rest players without significant drop off which Barca may not have the luxury of doing… If Messi stays healthy (last year was injury and contract year so discount that performance) and Neymar back doesn’t hamper his explosion like how Ronaldo hamstring did in WC, I think they still will be in the thick of things… However they need more back line cover and a quality box to box midfielder to help take some defensive recovery load off of Xavi and iniesta

  16. So ur saying right off the bat that Barcelona will be in lots of trouble this season?

  17. Hey no fair. Can’t bash Real and Brasil in the same article.


  18. why would he have to score 30 goals?

  19. He won’t need to if Ronaldo gets 40 and Bale and Benzema/Falcao get 50 goals between them though.
    And Barcelona couldn’t even get Vlaar from Aston Villa? Who does their recruitment? Steups.

  20. Rodriguez not scoring 30 a season I’m almost sure lol

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