Keithos versus Kams: An outer-worldly showdown on steel, spelling and a new car smell

(Scene: A poorly lit street somewhere in Trinidad. Two shadowy figures, donned in capes and tights square off and glare at each other… That’s how it starts. The fever, the rage, the feeling of powerlessness that turns good men and women: cruel).

Photo: Eh... The Dawn of Justice? (Courtesy: Mel Lissa)
Photo: Eh… The Dawn of Justice?
(Courtesy: Mel Lissa)

Keithos: Tell me Kams… What’s your take on a bat vigilante passing herself off as a symbol of good governance?

Kams: First of all… Who the arse you calling a bat? You’re a born again wajang now? Or the barber shaved you too close? You might fool them; but you don’t fool me eh.

Keithos (snarls): Fooling you would be redundant wouldn’t it. How much your administration paid Daniells to not teach? How many gangsters allyuh allowed Anil to pay with taxpayers’ money? How much State funding feathered Emrith’s nest?

Hear me carefully. The next time a reporter sends you a What’s App message about bacchanal in my Government. Don’t go to it. Consider this mercy.

Kams: You spend how much money on a S500 Benz for the ‘new car smell’ when hundreds of people getting laid off; and you want to lecture me on fiscal responsibility?! All that ‘winter is coming’ nonsense from you and Impsbert like is Game of Thrones; but allyuh spending millions on car and paintings?

Listen, right now your halo drop so low, it looking like a hula hoop!

Keithos: You could even spell ‘fiscal responsibility?’ Is only one bar you ever served with distinction. And they does only give hangovers there, not degrees.

Kams: I could spell ‘A-n-a-n-d’ though. You could spell it? Eh? Where you get your dossier of emails from? ‘Yohoo?’ I feel that ‘S’ on your chest is for ‘Chupidee’ yes.

Photo: Batman versus Superman. (Courtesy US Magazine)
Photo: Batman versus Superman.
(Courtesy US Magazine)

Keithos: Chupidee starts with ‘C.’ Why you don’t just stay quiet and let people think you’re stupid, rather than opening your mouth and removing all doubt?! Eh? You didn’t learn anything from the other day when all allyuh throw stones at Marlene and smash windows in about five UNC constituency offices instead, including yours?!

Kams: Why you don’t hush yuh stink…

Unidentified voice: Wait! Stop!

Kams: Who is that? Kirk Waithe?!

Keithos: Is that Wonder Woman?

Kams: Steups. Damn pervert. So I’m chopped liver?

Unidentified voice: No. It is me. Mr Live Wire.

Keithos: Who the arse invited you? You don’t see two political leaders trying to have a productive retreat?

Live Wire: If you all were really retreating, then I wouldn’t have bothered you.

Kams: What’s that supposed to mean? Boy, you don’t have some tinpot sport administrator to harass?! Big people talking!

Live Wire: With all due respect, Madam, this is bigger than the two of you.

Keithos: What you know about serious business? Last time I checked, I was prime minister. And with this bat as opposition leader, that won’t be changing anytime soon.

Photo: PNM supporters poke fun at the outgoing Prime Minister on 7 September 2015 at Balisier House. (Courtesy Allan V Crane/Wired868)
Photo: PNM supporters poke fun at the outgoing Prime Minister on 7 September 2015 at Balisier House.
(Courtesy Allan V Crane/Wired868)

Live Wire: Listen, have either of you listened to Bravo’s tune?

Keithos: It sounds like a drunk man being sick.

Live Wire: Right. But the beat catchy and the timing spot on. Colm Imbert could read the next Budget on that rhythm and it will sound good.

Keithos: What’s your point?

Live Wire: Hype means nothing. Yes, people are relieved that Kamla Baba and the 40 thieves gone. But that doesn’t make you a roaring success by default. You will have to stand on your own two feet and account for your administration sooner or later…

Kams: But what de mu… Allyuh know I’m right here listening, right?! You’re a blasted hypocrite Live Wire. What makes the PNM the best thing since sliced bread? You didn’t see Marlene playing Oprah Winfrey with HDC houses for her sweet man?

And what chupidness Keithos self talking, about changing his car because he don’t like the shocks; but then saying he happy to drive in a donkey cart? They have donkey carts with shocks in Diego Martin?! He knows the difference between the cost of new shocks and a S500 Benz?!

You letting him get away with that?! Oh shucks man!

Keithos: So now you know about value for money eh?! Tell us about the cost of the children’s hospital again, please. It’s the most expensive free gift I ever hear about!

Photo: Former prime minister Kamla Persad-Bissessar opens the Couva Children's Hospital. (Courtesy 103FM)
Photo: Former prime minister Kamla Persad-Bissessar opens the Couva Children’s Hospital.
(Courtesy 103FM)

Live Wire: What’s the point of this back and forth?

Keithos and Kams (in unison): How you mean?

Live Wire: Saying your party wastes less money than the other party isn’t exactly an ideology. And where does that debate get us anyway? We have four and a half years of the PNM Government left, so why not find a way to make the most of it?

Keithos and Kams (in unison): How you mean?

Live Wire: It is a testing time to govern with the country in recession and oil prices so low. Don’t just tell us about tightening our belts, share your vision for revival. Stimulate. Lead by example. Don’t spend lavishly for a new car smell. Why not be the first PM in a Toyota Corolla? Be in the trenches with us.

We need a statesman now and that has nothing to do with what car you show up in. Pull us together like you promised. Don’t make things worse by calling people’s children monsters or suggesting that the last prime minister was riding a ‘vomit comet.’ Create synergy, Prime Minister.

(Live Wire pauses)

Live Wire: And you, Opposition Leader. Shape up. The country needs a viable opposition and yet your frontline speaker is a hairdresser. Which is not to belittle what is surely a noble profession…

Keithos: I hate hairdressers!

Kams: You probably hate puppies and rainbows and sunsets too! The journalists you stand bodyguard for don’t give you enough hugs or wot?!

Photo: Prime Minister Dr Keith Rowley. (Courtesy Jyoti Communication)
Photo: Prime Minister Dr Keith Rowley.
(Courtesy Jyoti Communication)

Keithos: Don’t get in my business woman. ArcelorMittal now close the other day. But from what I hear, I feel Mr Bissessar Steel Pipe Ltd shut down long time!

Live Wire: Honourable MPs, can’t we do better than this? Can’t we aspire to do our jobs to the best of our ability and leave the campaigning for when the next election date is called?

Opposition Leader, you can impress people with short memories by taking perceptive, principled and responsible stances, so as to give the Government the benefit of an outside eye looking in and a second opinion.

And Prime Minister, forget about the yardsticks of previous administrations and create an efficient ruling party. Make us proud of our watchwords: Discipline, tolerance and production…

What do you all think?

(There is a pause as Kams and Keithos stare at each other).

Keithos and Kams (in unison): Hahahahaha!

Keithos: Kams girl, they really say it have more mad people living outside St Ann’s than in yes. I already have a job. It’s called trying to stay in power. Why would I want to give myself a second one for the same pay? The oil prices bound to go up again.

Kams: Well with all those lay-offs, crime bound to go up first. It wouldn’t be Santa trying to sneak into people’s house this Christmas nah. So I will have plenty more ammunition just now. In the meantime, let me play to my audience!

Photo: Super confusing? (Courtesy: Mel Lissa)
Photo: Super confusing?
(Courtesy: Mel Lissa)

Keithos: Live Wire had me going for a second you know. How you used to deal with him and his carload of readers with all that holier-than-thou nonsense, Kams?

Kams: You forget I had Prakash in my Cabinet?

Keithos and Kams (in unison): Hahahahaha!

(The bell cannot be unrung. To be continued…)

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About Mr. Live Wire

Mr. Live Wire is an avid news reader who translates media reports for persons who can handle the truth. And satire. Unlike Jack Nicholson, he rarely yells.

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  1. Thats what is hard to swallow . The fact that they are fighting and you out for a beer and yuh starfish on the ground by bandits . Our company done cancel all events because of finances , i wait to see what is going to happen to the attendance at carnival fetes also.

  2. When part two(2) coming out in a cinema near to me.
    Crime has gone up before the oil price.

  3. This will no doubt get to both of them through their networks, but doh hold yuh breath eh. One trying to keep his job and well, the other aint going far fast. I weep for this nation

  4. Steups, this should be on the Cartoons Network Channel.

  5. That’s the worst Superman ever….

  6. I wonder, what will this new ‘PM1’ smell like in five years? Like 17 year olds? Those who ignore history….

  7. Keithos not using no damn vomit car period…Who vex days your business.

  8. Pay attention to serious issues this is orchestrated distraction

  9. sorry, but what message can you get from this incident, that is not confined to tt, similary what message is the cricket captain sending

  10. On the night of elections 2015, when the results indicated that Kamlalibaba lost her re-election bid, when offered to be driven home, reports are she told them, “allyuh could keep allyuh ‘stinking car’!!!
    Need I say more?

    • Actually no, David Addison. She was disrespected by the security personnel as they left her. It was not up to them to declare who was the new Prime Minister, that was the job of the EBC.

      The vehicle reportedly had some mechanical issues, and instead of placing her in another vehicle – perhaps a Police vehicle, they left her. No disciplinary action was taken against them.

      KPB had to ‘hop’ a ride with a friend to her home. Regardless of political persuasion, that was very disrespectful and wrong!

      On the other hand, when Mr. Manning lost his last election as PM and was cussed out of Balisier House, KPB ensured that he received 24 hour State security and had his medical bills State funded.

  11. coming soon to a channel near to you

  12. Mr Live Wire..who ever you are. You come Good!!!

  13. Those two big crooks are an INSULT TO THE CHARACTERS who stand for truth, integrity and SOBERNESS

  14. I read this and it could almost be a real event. Sad thing is the message and advice is lost. Hoping for the best out of it though.

  15. Steupsss… Same shit, different day.

  16. I started a a joke …
    Which started the whole world crying …
    But I didn’t see that the joke was on me …

    This satire is too uncomfortably close to real life, yes. Is that Nero’s fiddle I hear striking up a tune?

  17. Who plays Wonder woman, Barry or Colm?

    Kams have been battleing serious depression since September and for some reason has not been able to get over it, hence the silence on issues that should have been vociferously spoken on.

    Mr. Wajang couldn’t help being himself when he spoke about vomit stains and smells. You don’t like the scent, buy a new car. Had he just explained the need for a replacing due to mechanical failures or high maintenance cost, it would have been understood, but he had to behave like a gutter…

    This man is a far cry from Mr Manning who was a gentleman and good Statesman – despite some of his questionable policies.

  18. Words escapes me for the moment, but the Tit for Tat bickering has got to stop. The oil crisis is worldwide and what we need is cooperation not exclusion based on party politics. What pride I’ve left in my country and its leaders is diminishing by the second

    • It is the hidden message. That the debate about which party is worse and which party is not quite as bad as the other is really not helping the country much.
      And that neither side has been a shining example of anything just yet.

  19. You have nothing better to do? Did he call any names? Bacchanalist!

  20. “Listen, right now your halo drop so low, it looking like a hula hoop!”

  21. You really think a good boof will do it Lasana? Try nah…we going to hell real fast inno

  22. It was a Roll On/Roll Off vehicle.The Roll On was deodorant.

  23. The sad thing is this satire TOO CLOSE to REALITY for my liking

  24. The ONLY bar you ever attended serves hangovers not degrees LMAO ???

  25. One or both of them could have been in the joker’s suit btw…

  26. Hey hey hey! What the heck did batman ever do you?! Parody, satire, bad movie review, whatever… Putting Kams in his suit has got to be the biggest insult ever hurled at him!

  27. “Prakash in cabinet”
    Good one Lasana Liburd

  28. Okay am clearly out of d loop, so this should give me an idea of what’s happening lately 🙂

  29. “Listen, right now your halo drop so low, it looking like a hula hoop!” Hahaha!!

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