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The CoP meets the ShowStopper

Scene: Office of the Minister of National Security.

Phone rings.

“Good Morning, Jack Warner speaking.”

“Good morning Minister, it’s the CoP here.”

“COP? Who is calling me from the COP? Spalk already tells me everything that’s happening inside your party, I don’t need another snitch.”

“No Minister, the Acting CoP. The Commissioner of Police.”

“Oh yes, Mr Williams. Now, what do you want? I’m very busy. ”

“Well Minister, I’m not entirely comfortable with some of the statements that you’ve been making.”

“Not comfortable? I don’t care if you’re comfortable, Williams. We’re fighting a crime wave here, in case you haven’t noticed.”

“But you’re saying things that aren’t true. Your comments are inflammatory, inaccurate and often, impractical.”

“How so?”

“Well, look at this statement you made about gun crime. You said ‘66% of gunshots fired in this country happened in Laventille and 68% of murders happened there’.”

“I was given those statistics. They must be accurate.”

“But they paint an incorrect picture, Minister. You forgot to say that these statistics were for a one month period. They’re not representative of the true pattern.”

“Williams, 66% is 66%. Statistics don’t lie”

“But we know that of that 66%, nearly three quarters of the shots were fired by police.”

“I don’t deny that Williams. But a fact is a fact.”

“And what about the thousands of good people in Laventille? It will affect their ability to get work. It will effect private investment in the area. Who would start a business in the most dangerous area of Trinidad?”

“But we can’t hide the truth Williams. People respect me for my honesty and integrity.”

Williams makes a choking sound.

“Williams? Are you ok?”

“S…s…sorry Minister, something was in my throat. Next, you said ‘8% of shots fired were in Diego Martin and they have 16% of murders’. And that means, according to you, that 84% of all murders happen in Laventille or Diego Martin. That’s simply not true.”

“Are you denying that these areas are hot spots, Williams?”

“Of course not. But the public and the media will now expect you to focus 84% of our resources on these two areas.”

“What’s wrong with that? We have to stop this bloodshed.”

Photo: Ex-FIFA vice president and MP Jack Warner is one of Trinidad and Tobago’s most influential persons.

“Because it only leaves us 16% of resources to cover the whole of T&T. In fact, if you deduct the 8% needed to cover Tobago, we have just 8%.”

“But I announced we will be recruiting extra police and opening more police stations. You can use them.”

“But we have no cars or guns to give these new police because you told the police officers that they can take home their police cars and their guns. Any new recruits will be placed in the new police posts without vehicles or weapons. They will be at more risk than the public.”

“Listen Williams, I know all about law enforcement. I’ve been studying this for nearly six weeks. When I introduce this new ShotSpotter system, we will have our elite Flying Squad on the scene in minutes.”

“Yes, but when we arrive, we will find the victim. The gunman won’t be sitting there waiting for us. All this ShotSpotter will do is alert us to gun crime more quickly. And we already know where the shots will be fired in most cases. What we need is prevention, not reaction.”

“Well, Williams, I’m disappointed with your negativity.  I’m trying to display a sense of urgency, to show that I’m a man of action who can get the job done.”

“But with respect, Minister, I was employed as an expert in policing and crime reduction, but all of my suggestions are ignored, while the politicians implement changes without consultation. You didn’t even consult with us about the S.O.E. When you leave this position, I will have to continue to fight crime with inadequate resources. “

“Williams, I don’t think you need to worry about your long-term position one way or the other. [Click].”


Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked; no offence is meant at parties named although they probably deserve it

About Filbert Street

Filbert Street
Filbert Street is a real columnist who works in a fantasy world that sometimes resembles our own.

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