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PP disaster preparation 101

Scene:  Prime Minister’s unofficial residence.

Phone rings.

“Good Morning, Kamla Persad-Bissessor SC, Prime Minister of Trinidad & Tobago speaking.”

“Good morning your highness, Jack speaking.”

“Ah, hello Minister Warner, you’re calling bright and early, what can I do for you today?”

“Have you heard the news?”

“Certainly. That Prince Harry can really throw a party eh? Haha.”

“No Prime Minister, I’m talking about the flooding. Haven’t you been briefed by your staff?”

“Jack, it’s just 8.30 am; it’s not even officially morning yet. I forbid any of my staff to bother me before 9.”

Photo: Trinidad and Tobago Prime Minister Kamla Persad-Bissessar

“Well, we must mobilise our disaster emergency plan immediately.”

“Of course. Get the workers out there straight away with equipment and relief supplies”

“Not that emergency plan, Prime Minister. I mean the photographers and the MPs with all our party’s volunteers. We’re missing priceless photo opportunities as we speak.”

“Oh God, yes, you’re quite correct. So, can we get our people there in time?”

“Well, I’ve already ordered the police to stop any journalists or PNM members from reaching the most photographic disaster areas, so we should get all of the best photo ops.”

“Good. And what about the flood victims?”

“Yes, I have a team of backhoes making things worse so that the water won’t subside until we reach the stranded residents.”

“Excellent. Now, how about I get Air Force 1 to collect me and I can hover over the people sitting on their rooftops and throw out bags of Crix. It will show me personally giving relief to the victims.”

“Air Force 1, Prime Minister?”

“That’s what I call my personal helicopter.”

“Oh, yes, very good. Perhaps, of course, you could throw out some of those millions of flags we purchased. We could tie it in to the Olympic pride that the People’s Partnership has given this country.”

“How about we get that pole throwing fellah to throw brooms over the Diego Martin River to residents on the other side?”

“Great idea, your majesty. We could get those sprinters to relay Subway sandwiches to victims. You know everyone seems to love Subway these days.”

“Hmm, and what about that blind fellah who throws the hibiscus?”

“You mean discus?”

“Whatever.”

“Well I think he’s gone to London.”

“What the hell. Why is he on holiday, he’s only just come back?”

“No, your worship, he’s a paralympian.”

“So, he parachutes? Isn’t that dangerous if you’re blind?”

“No, Prime Minister. There are two Olympics. One for able bodied athletes and one for athletes with disabilities.”

“So it’s a bit like MPs and Senators?”

“Exactly. Now, what do we tell the press about these floods?”

“Let’s go with the usual. Standard answer seven: The effects of these floods are directly attributable to the PNM who failed abysmally to curb illegal construction on the hillsides of Diego Martin.”

“Perfect. And they also ignored their obligation to improve the drainage systems?”

“Excellent.”

“And our plans to prevent this in the future?”

“Standard answer 23: We will be announcing comprehensive measures to prevent this in the future in the next few weeks.”

“And we could include Standard answer 43: We are inviting an expert from London to consult on a multimillion dollar project to improve the drainage system and facilitate greater flood water diversions into the soon to be improved waterways. Also because of the pressing need, there is no time to tender.”

“Superb. Ok, I’m going back to bed.”

 

Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked; no offence is meant at parties named although they probably deserve it

 

AboutFilbert Street

Filbert Street
Filbert Street is a real columnist who works in a fantasy world that sometimes resembles our own.

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One comment

  1. This was hilarious, and it truly has sparked my mind to thinking how we have become puppets demanding change from a useless parade of jokers!! As citizens of TNT, we should not wait for the Govt. Let’s all get our raincoats and boots. There will never be too many people to give a helping hand ïn these flood ravished areas!