The Case of Superballs: Mr Live Wire cracks cryptic code of Nicki Minaj

(Scene: A private room. A mainstream reporter, whose identity has been protected to avoid her being trolled half to death, vents to Mr Live Wire.)

Mainstream Reporter: […] So I’ve had it up to here with this narcissistic, thin-skinned, empty-headed, all flash and no substance, fountain of made-up information, skin-teeth and nasty character, embarrassment to Trinidad and Tobago, threat to the wellbeing of our citizens…

Mr Live Wire (shakes head in agreement): Glad you’ve finally caught on. Who cares what a few meaningless polls and Inshan Ali have to say right? Hmmph.

Image: Now you went too far…

Reporter: Oh, fer sure. I’ve had enough, Mr Live Wire. And I know you have experience in exposing these sorts.

Mr Live Wire: Well, I’ve managed a couple of memorable unveilings if that is what you mean…

Reporter: And that’s why my editor sent me here. How the hell do we get to the bottom of this Nicki Minaj hoax?

Mr Live Wire: Wait… what?!

Reporter: I love that job you did when Infantino was trying to take down the TTFA—although, well, it still happened. And how you caught Jack Warner. He didn’t even know what hit him when you let go dem files. Bam! After that he made like another couple million dollars, became Minister of Works, Minister of National Security, acting prime minister; and then some 20 years after your exclusive story…

Live Wire (getting irritated): Well, I don’t know if you’re really doing my work justice the way you’re retelling it but…

Reporter: So how can we bring down Nicki for bad-talking Trinbagonians so? A backward people with wobbly willies and no IG? Nah man. We ent going through that.

Image: A meme pokes fun at Nicki Minaj’s claim that the Covid-19 vaccine led to swollen testicles for her cousin’s friend in Trinidad.

Live Wire (sits up straight): So you’re saying with all the stuff going on right about now in this country, this is what you find the most pressing?

Reporter: Course! Everybody talking about it.

Live Wire: Which everybody? You not serious right?!

Reporter: How you mean?

Live Wire: Listen, right now we have an invisible virus passing round that already make Abu Bakr 1990 insurrection look like a passing shower; we have two active police commissioners playing musical chairs during a state of emergency—one cyar hold on to his letterhead, the other one couldn’t solve an eight-piece puzzle; the prime minister and his attorney general have the most passive-aggressive…

Reporter (interrupts): We will pay you well for your time.

Live Wire: How well?

Reporter: Ten grand plus five bags of Avril plantain chips and two Rufina’s doubles.

Photo: To go, hoss…

Live Wire (pauses and appears to weigh up the offer): Make that four with slight. You feel doubles can’t microwave or what?!

So what’s the scenario?

Reporter: Well, remember Nicki said she have a cousin friend who…

Live Wire (interrupts, laughing): Wait, allyuh still on that? Hahaha!!

Reporter: What’s so funny? I had an uncle with a flat tyre and nobody used to laugh in that house, eh. Well, not when uncle was home anyway; but sometimes…

Live Wire (waves his hand impatiently): Hush, hush! Keep up. This country have less thinkers than Olympic medallists, yes; and you don’t get any better examples of that than when yuh reading the shallow reporting in the media by…

Reporter (interrupts): But aren’t YOU also a reporter…

Live Wire (ignores interruption): […] Let me tell you something: Harry Houdini was the world’s greatest magician. He was an artist, a man who could make an elephant disappear in the middle of a room filled with people. How do you think he did that?

Reporter: Appoint it to a state board and grant it immunity?

Photo: I am not here…
(via CNC3)

Live Wire: No, no. Misdirection. What the eyes see and the ears hear, the mind believes.

Reporter: Ahhh… Okay. (Looks confused.) But how do you NOT see an elephant in a room?!

Live Wire: Elementary. How many people even remembered Fitzgerald was still in Cabinet before they made him security minister the other day?

Reporter: Ahmmm. I think ‘elementary’ is copyrighted.

Live Wire (again ignores interruption): You have to make people think the elephant is something else. You have to change their perspective. But that doesn’t change the fact that it IS an elephant. The truth is always right there. You just have to know how to look.

Reporter:  (still looking lost) Okaaaaaay…

Live Wire: Think back to 12 September.

Reporter: Actually, Nicki’s tweet was on 13 September.

Photo: A little birdie told me…

Live Wire: Steups. Yuh see? That right there is why you’re in MY office paying ME for information—and not the other way around!

Reporter: What you talking about? Both ah we on Zoom?

Live Wire: You mudda didn’t box yuh on yuh ears when yuh was interrupting she?! I swear allyuh children of the 1990s…

Reporter: Well, you don’t have to get on so… 

Live Wire: What did Nicki say on Twitter?!

Reporter (reads from her phone): ‘My cousin in Trinidad won’t get the vaccine cause his friend…’

Live Wire: No, no, no. That is what she write! Ah asking you: What. Did. She. Say?!

Reporter: What the arse you talking bout?!

Photo: Eh?

Live Wire: The message isn’t what the speaker says; it is what the listener hears. Put down the damn phone and tell me what you heard!

Reporter: Well, an associate of a relative of Nicki’s got vaccinated and suffered from some sort of erectile dysfunction, which…

Live Wire (interrupts): Tell me what you hear, not what yuh google! Talk like yuh just sip some puncheon, not like yuh drinking Carib with chaser!

Reporter (shouts back): She say her cousin friend get jab, his lolo went limp, his two balls swell, and his woman make it out and dump him.

Live Wire: Who got jabbed just 24 hours before Nicki’s tweet?

Reporter: How you mean?

Live Wire: What was the Express headline story on 12 September?! Not about a network of corruption in the Police Service?

Photo: Then Commissioner of Police Gary Griffith (right) and former SORT head Mark Hernandez.
(Copyright Abraham Diaz / Trinidad Guardian)

Reporter: Well, I think so. But what that have to do with…

Live Wire: And THEN what happened?

Reporter: Well, Police Service Commission chair Bliss Seepersad sent Griffith a notice saying that he should go on…

Live Wire (interrupts with a smirk): Yes?

Reporter: Oh my god…

Live Wire: And when GG get publicly castrated, then what happened?

Reporter: Well, talk was a PolSC member was leaking inside information to Griffith the whole time! And after Gary get shaft, Roger Kawalsingh sent an email to Bliss bawling her up. But he didn’t bcc the commish on that—he CC’ed him!

Live Wire (winks): Big dutty balls number one.

Photo: Gary Griffith (right) attends an event staged by attorney Roger Mark Kawalsingh before the latter’s appointment on the Police Service Commission.
(via Trinidad Guardian)

Reporter: Waaaaay. But who is the next…?

Live Wire: Who was giving the Police Service Commission free ‘legal advice’ this whole time? Who would that person have to be so that the Commission would keep it from the public after all this time?

Reporter: Well, I’m not sure…

Live Wire: Where Kawalsingh was getting big brief from to help pay for the swanky party for his daughter when he invited Gary to pass through and vibes? Who was the previous owner of the Porsche he driving?

Reporter: Oh my god…

Live Wire: Who passed Section Four? Who made the PolSC feel it was a good idea to leave Griffith in charge of the TTPS, even as he applying for the wuk?! You ever apply for a wuk and the company say look the keys for the office and the car, try it out while we decide if to give you the job? Eh?

Who the hell gets vacation leave AFTER their contract done?! Who gets to hold a press conference to ‘relinquish’ a job they don’t even blasted have?!

Reporter: So the deadwood man with two nasty swell-up balls is…

Photo: Rapper and secret agent Nicki Minaj (right) keeps an eye on then Commissioner of Police Gary Griffith.
(via TTPS)

Live Wire: It wasn’t two people on that committee that was investigating the Police Service. It was three. But Nicki was afraid that the report might be covered up by a double agent on the inside, code name Fungus On-Party, so she tried to warn everybody. She say is true that Toppy ballsy for so, but his toolkit ent fixing nothing anybody want fixed. She say if Trinidad and Tobago know what good for itself, Paula-Mae best call that wedding off one time! THAT was the coded message.

Reporter: Good lord. I don’t believ… Well what should we do now?!

Live Wire: We? You have mice in yuh pocket? I know what YOU should do is get to Rufina’s nice and early tomorrow for me.

And remember to wash your hands…

(To be continued. Maybe. If Mr Live Wire still hungry…)


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