Dear Editor: The Penal Papers; a satirical response to proposed doubles taxation

“The aloo pie vending bourgeoisie, the saheena ladies and lords, the noblemen who sell nuts and fruits in traffic—all hiding in plain sight—are the wealthiest of all. Even Anthony Bourdain wasn’t invited to their houses for dinner!

“[…] Ever wondered why there are 30 different doubles vendors called ‘D Original’? It’s all tax planning: loss allocation and intra-group loans. The conspiracy runs deep.”

The following Letter to the Editor, submitted by ‘Baigan Jones’, offers a tongue-in-cheek retort to American Chamber of Commerce attorney and tax expert Angelique Bart’s call to make doubles vendors share their loot:

The lavish lifestyle of local doubles vendors was alluded to earlier this week by a prominent attorney-at-law, speaking at the American Chamber of Commerce’s mid-year budget analysis.

The attorney stated that she could quit the practice of law for the lucrative doubles vending profession. In her words:

“My husband says of the doubles vendor—if I were to quit law, we could do that. Because you have 200 customers buying at $5 per doubles, in five minutes. How much money would you be making?

“I can’t follow his math, but basically he is saying there is about 200-plus million on average that the doubles section of society generates.”

Math is indeed difficult. Nonetheless, the “doubles section” aren’t the only culprits. (For the uncultured, the doubles section is located near the percussion instruments).

The aloo pie vending bourgeoisie, the saheena ladies and lords, the noblemen who sell nuts and fruits in traffic—all hiding in plain sight—are the wealthiest of all. Even Anthony Bourdain wasn’t invited to their houses for dinner!

It’s time for them to come out of the shadows and face the ‘Tax man’. Their ill-gotten gains have been sheltered behind blind trusts and shell corporations for far too long!

Ever wondered why there are 30 different doubles vendors called ‘D Original’? It’s all tax planning: loss allocation and intra-group loans. The conspiracy runs deep.

I, for one, applaud the attorney’s disproportionate attack on the lowest income earners in society. The Government must immediately embark on a patriotic mission to expropriate these ill-gotten gains from the street-vending cabal.

Strip them of their Porsches, Rolexes and yachts; these proceeds of crime cannot be allowed to exist in a utopian society like sweet, sweet TnT.

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