Scene: Online. Four men and a divine being meet for a conference call on Skype.
MP Pastor Rodger Samuel (in an excited voice): Everyone, shush! We have Him on the line…
Sat Maharaj: Who the arse yuh shushing?!
(Audible groans from several unidentified voices.)
JC: Good day, everyone. And thanks for taking time out of your schedules to listen to me.
Samuel: It is our pleasure Jesus! Let me apologise for doing this online. I asked NGC to fund a video conferencing chat but they said to find out who you voting for first.
JC: I actually don’t live in Trinidad, Rodger, so I don’t vote here. In fact, I haven’t been to Trinidad since Brian Lara stopped batting. I do plan to stop by one day but I think many people there won’t enjoy that visit too much.
Maharaj: The big JC, boi! You know how long I hearing bout you? So when yuh coming in truth? You have that date in your back pocket like Kamla or wot?! Hahaha…
JC: Sat, you know I’m black right?
JC: There is plenty evidence about that already, Sat. Not that it is really relevant. But I thought you might find that interesting… Sat?
Samuel: I think we lost that call, Jesus.
Archbishop Joseph Harris: Hello Jesus. This is a great honour for me. I read your book…
JC: Hello Joe. Thank you and I’m pleased to hear that.
Harris: Jesus, I bet you get this request all the time. But, I was thinking…
JC: Go on…
Harris: Could you give me a word for the flock on Sunday? I know we obviously communicate already in so many ways. But since we talking on Skype nah…
JC: It is my pleasure, Joe. Read to them from Matthew 19: 21. The verse says: “If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.”
Harris: Excellent choice, Jesus. Thank you.
JC: I wasn’t finished, Joe. Then ask them how they think anyone from the Vatican will fit through the eye of a needle with US$7.3 billion in assets, US$1 billion in equity and US$20 million in gold reserves.
Harris: Ahmm… (cough cough) Thanks Jesus… Let me go write that down… I’ll give you a ring at the confessional, okay?
JC: No man cometh unto the Father but by me, Joe.
Samuel: I think he has left already, Jesus.
Jack Warner: Ahmm… Jesus, I can tell today is not a good day for this. You’re a busy man just like me. So let me not take up too much of your time…
JC: Are you hustling to finally give Haiti their earthquake relief funds, Jack?
Warner: Steups. I tired tell yuh to study my sins and not my business. I gone yes. If I want abuse, I will call Coonilal or Sanko.
(Warner hangs up.)
Samuel: Jesus, I meant to ask you how is it a man of Jack’s age is still so healthy and strong and vibrant? Is it that he is somehow highly favoured by You? He’s taking Pastor Cuffie’s vitamins or something?
JC: The last time one of the devil’s imps bounce up Jack, he end up as signatory in some scheme or the other. And, in two-twos, the imp lost his entire savings, house and land and get toilet paper in Skinner Park all kinda thing. None of them go near him now. The devil say if even Ramesh fraid to lime with Jack, then he ent taking chances either. Jack will probably still be around when I return.
Samuel: Well, You won’t have to look far for him, eh. He’s not going a place. Since the FBI start talking to Chuck Blazer, Jack does fly less than a yard fowl!
(Jesus and Samuel laugh heartily.)
JC: Forget flying pigs… Is when you see Jack and Creflo Dollar on the same jet that you know the apocalypse reach!
(They laugh some more.)
JC: Seriously though Rodger, what going on boy? You were such a nice little fellah.
Samuel: How do you mean Jesus?
JC: What are you doing in that den of vipers? You know full well what I mean.
Samuel: But… But… Jesus, you brought Daniel out of the lions’ den without a scratch. You are able to protect your servants in any company.
JC: Rodger, Daniel was thrown in the lions’ den. He wasn’t trying to get them elected.
Samuel: But You said I shouldn’t hide my light under a bushel, Jesus. So I’m just shining my light boldly like You commanded…
JC: And the only thing you shine that light on in five years is when Keithos read out “bitch” in Parliament? What about when Vernella was molesting people? Eh? You need some batteries for that flashlight or what?
Samuel: But… But what about when I quoted You to drum up support for the death penalty? I told them: God said that if a man sheds man’s blood, then by man should his blood be shed.
JC: And what about when I said: if your right hand causes you to offend, cut it off, and cast it from you? You asked Anand to cut off the finger he used to dial dem court witnesses?! Will your party plucketh the Tobago East MP?!
Samuel: You want us to do what with the Tobago East MP, Jesus? I know what you are saying about the Cabinet eh… But how can I make change from the outside? I have to be in Parliament to do that.
JC: So when you’re training your dog, you does go down on all fours and bark? Eh? To free my people from the Romans, I should have joined the Roman army? Eh?
JC: Rodger, I rode into Jerusalem on a donkey on Palm Sunday you know. Not a 32-horse powered chariot with rims and ting. Look at you in that big Prado by yourself with dark tint so nobody could ask you for a lift…
Samuel: But You said we should be the head and not the tail!
JC: Some of allyuh head up allyuh tails!
Samuel: Jesus?! Your language!
JC: My language?! (He rises angrily to His feet) You feel I’m one of your rango-tango friends in Parliament or what?! Don’t forget yourself you know… Don’t forget how I ran up on those money lenders in the Temple and get on like Machel in Zen yuh know!
I am the original JC! Don’t act like you don’t know! All day, every day, by myself… You ever go nite nite, Rodger?! You ever go nite nite?!
Editor’s Note: Will JC unleash his wrath on the beautiful two-island republic? Or will those in authority, like Rodger Samuel, begin following the golden rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you?
Follow Mr Live Wire to find out as we continue to serve you social commentary with more than a dash of satire.