With Trinbagonians, you just cannot win. Let me explain.
When I was over the pond—between the Middle East and Europe doing my Academy business—busy as ever, but finding the time to write about the injustices meted out to black people globally, but more specifically in our homeland. Some of the responses were: ‘why doesn’t he come home and do something instead of only writing?’
Now that I’ve been home doing some ‘tings’, the messages are inevitably: ‘but why yuh stop writing?’
Oh how I love my people! But I didn’t want to add fuel to an already incendiary situation developing on our rock. So having seen all the many people who boldly exposed themselves as racist, racially insensitive, closet racist, conveniently racist, 1% racist and pretensions to be 1% racist, I decided to introduce some degree of levity to the imbroglio at hand.
I apologise beforehand—unlike the many who seem to apologise AFTER they utter utter tripe—to anyone who may be offended; and I’ll have you know that I have Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson on speed dial to confirm to all and sundry that I meant no harm.
So I decided to stage a football game for racial harmony and understanding for the benefit of the national community. Of course I made sure and request the permission of FIFA, who seem to have complete jurisdiction over everything we do here on the football field in our sovereign republic, including the overthrow of a democratically elected executive.
Surprisingly, they never returned my call as I signed ‘William Wallace and Keith Look Loy’, so I went to the lesser known organisation called FIFa—which means Federation International of Football assholes: the only organisation that agreed to support and sponsor this selection of players.
FIFa remains affiliated to FIFA but is at loggerheads with president Gianni Infantino’s vainglorious decision to defund and disband the task force on Racism in Football, essentially declaring ‘mission accomplished’: there is racism in football and ‘we wouldn’t want it any other way’!
I digress, FIFa sent me a list of guidelines for selecting this All-star team and it was short but as pointed as a KKK hat.
1) All players must have played in the ALL LIVES MATTER league and sufficiently astute with the concept of contextualisation. If any of them had to Google ‘concept of contextualisation’, they are automatically on the starting team.
2) Should have no more than 2 CXC passes.
3) Must know how to give a sincere apology without it even being an apology. For reference, source any white US candidate running for president and campaigning in a black church.
4) Should have no more than 2 CXC passes.
5) Must have at least two legitimate voices of reason who are black, but not really considered black. Just black enough with straight or lightly curled hair on speed dial who would at least listen to you, at most defend you, and at worst tell yuh, yuh do shit: in other words Shaka Hislop and Phillip Alexander.
6) Should have no more than 2 CXC passes.
7) Should be able to claim black heritage by: (a) having an employee who is black; (b) having a godfather who is black; (c) once having wine up on a black bumsee or having a big black stud wine up on your white bumsee without daddy seeing you.
8) Should be willing to throw all black people under the proverbial bus by writing ‘all lives matter’ for your chance to claim association with white supremacy—even though both Syrians and Lebanese have been slaughtered historically by white supremacists, and once these white supremacists hear your name and accent, you’ll realise just how black you really are. Ditto for all other Trinbagonians foolish enough to believe that their straight hair and lighter skin make them less black than George and Breonna.
9) Should have no more than 2 CXC passes.
10) Must be able to cry, beg, bawl, grovel while invoking Martin Luther King or the Bible in order to avoid any hint of a boycott of your businesses in order to keep that black dollar flowing in. Please be aware that your bawling or grovelling will not be long, as blacks are notoriously forgiving in Trinbago, and there are no end of house negroes ready and willing to defend you at the cost of their own dignity. You’ll find them in all walks of life, especially the arts, sport and entertainment industry.
11) Should have no more than 2 CXC passes.