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Chapter 4: Had to manage my expectations…
And what do you do when you are given life-changing news?
Spiral?
Lean on your support system?
Self-isolate?
Crash?
Go in and out of depression?
Well, I can safely say that I did all of the above. At different times, my needs called for different responses and thankfully I was able to access what I needed for the most part.
My husband became my rock and go-to for everything. This was a new thing for me because I am notoriously independent and relying on anyone has never been easy for me.
I have never had a large friend group but in sharing life-changing news you really choose who you let in. That’s what I did. I did not want to let in negativity, and you can never really tell how people react.
What I learned though was that people do react differently.
Some people excuse themselves from the scenario so that perhaps it is easier for them to ignore. Some people throw money at a problem—they can’t help emotionally or physically but they can help financially and so that’s what they offer to do.
I had one person tell me that they were upset that I took so long to let them know what was happening. I was unsure how to process that since I myself needed time to wrap my mind around what was happening.
I guess if you convince yourself that you are upset with someone then it’s easier to not feel your true feelings about a situation. Another coping mechanism, I guess.
People that I thought would be there and be supportive, weren’t; and people who I didn’t think would, stepped up. It became clear to me who mattered, if I was still in doubt.
I can say however, that while I came to a point of realisation, it did still hurt to an extent—when I expected and got disappointed. It also made me realise that when the dust from this ordeal settled, I would no longer prioritise certain people or certain things.
A shift was necessary for me, my family and our well-being.
My family rallied from the start. From diagnosis, through preparation for surgery, post-surgery and through chemo, I had support: be it for food, errands, wig tutorials or just checking in.
My circle of friends also rallied. Daily check-ins, doctor visits, emotional support on the days they sensed I was not myself. I had support that some people in my situation could not dream of.
I am and will forever be grateful for that.
On the days I spiraled and isolated because I was feeling negative, I also felt guilty. Guilty because I had sooo much support to be feeling negative.
I felt like there were people out there dealing with much worse situations, so I did not have the right to feel sorry for myself. That was another battle in my mind.
It definitely took a while, and some pep talks from my circle to get me to a place where I allowed myself to feel all my feelings: good and bad.
On the days when I was positive and optimistic about this journey and how far I had come, I felt those feelings of hope, excitement and gratefulness.
On the days when I found myself asking why all of this had to happen to me and my family, I felt those feelings of anger, sadness, depression and it truly tested my faith in God.
It was on those days that I tried to pray a little harder, even if it was through tears.
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