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Chapter 6: I got really angry…
In many marriages, there is balance in terms of personalities. One party can go from 0 to 100 really quickly, and the other is often the voice of reason and calmness. Prior to May 16, 2024, I was the former in my marriage, while my husband was the latter.
Admittedly, immediately after diagnosis, I shrank —big time. I re-prioritised where my energy went, and my usual “0 to 100” persona took a back seat.
For my husband, however, the reverse was true. His laid-back personality morphed into a no-nonsense approach for most things… almost to take up the role that I would normally play in situations.
This essentially recalibrated our relationship and ensured that balance was maintained, I guess.
Initially, I was very sad and scared…as most people may be in such a situation. I found myself worried about the entire situation and what it meant— emotionally, physically, financially.
I struggled to maintain my usual orderly approach to things. I recall one day having to stop while completing a medical claim form as my handwriting was illegible because I was shaking so much.
Post-surgery and just before beginning chemotherapy, however, I found myself becoming less sad. I was getting angry. 😠
Angry for a lot of reasons. I do not consider myself to be an evil person, so why was this ordeal happening to me?
Criminals are roaming freely and living healthy lives, and yet I am the one being subjected to this!
There are people defrauding others, cheating, scheming, lying, stealing and living healthy physical lives and yet I am subjected to this!
I recall, while sobbing uncontrollably, asking my husband, Why me? Why us? Why do we have to deal with this? What did we do to deserve this ordeal? Why?
And then there were people who I thought were friends who disappeared or failed to meet my expectations in this journey. I had thought that I was a friend to them, yet I did not feel like they were being friends to me.
I was met with inquiries about how I was doing, only for them to use that as an avenue to discuss how THEY were doing and what THEY wanted to talk about…Not really an inquiry about my well-being.
I got angry. Why are people so selfish? Why are people so self-absorbed?
People lack empathy and understanding, and have forgotten what it means to just be kind!
Then there were the comments and questions, which under normal circumstances wouldn’t rattle you, but under these, they did. Have you changed your diet? You should eat this, drink this or don’t eat that, don’t drink that. Your hair will grow back, don’t worry. It’s just hair. People have it far worse. Everything will be ok, don’t worry. All of these were triggers and to some extent, still are.
Word to the wise – telling someone not to worry will not make them worry less. Especially when they have a hell of a lot to worry about.
I was mad! I was really mad!
It was and continues to be a true test of my faith in God. Trusting His plan is so much easier when things are fine and going smoothly. Trusting His plan even when things are falling to absolute shit all around and one glimmer of hope is often followed by a slew of negativity or bad news or not-so-great news.
It takes a lot mentally to sit and let God’s plan unfold before you, knowing fully well you have little to no control over things.
It became an exercise in intentionality.
Intentionally being positive. Intentionally being faithful. Intentionally being patient. Intentionally being calm.
Intentionally being grateful…because that I am. Throughout this entire ordeal, I am grateful – having caught it early, having had a great medical team, having had the finances to afford the care I preferred, having had the support system that I have, and having had the willpower to go on.
Some days were harder than others, and that is expected, they say. Truth be told, some days are still harder than others.
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