Warning: As you read this satire, dozens—maybe hundreds—of abusers and killers of women are walking around Trinidad and Tobago, just trying to mind their own business and stay out of trouble.
Inexplicably, young women are provoking them to murder by inadvertently being too slow to outrun them, too weak to outmuscle them and, most of all, by having the audacity to die after a few stabs or being choked or lit on fire.
On behalf of our righteously outraged Prime Minister and his legion of chauvinists, Mr Live Wire has just one word for them and any other woman reading this who might even think about allowing themselves to be murdered: Enough!
Don’t you realise you are needlessly inflating the murder statistics and making the government look bad? Why do you think there is a separate ledger for your murders under the heading: ‘Crime of passion’, ‘domestic incident’ or ‘she look for she ting’?
Dr Keithos gave some yuuuge advice to women that would have totally cut the murder rate of the ‘fairer sex’—and by ‘fairer’, we mean ‘fairer target’—down to zero. Naturally, it went over their heads as their lady brains were probably distracted by things like Love and Hip Hop, preparing meals and not inciting any man within a five mile radius to murder them.
Ladies, I am going to make it easy for you by writing this down. So pay attention.
How to not look for your own death while being a woman:
Do not marry, date, share the same work place, go to school with or say ‘hello’ to anyone who might be a murderer. That is just entrapment and makes you an accessory. Also if a stranger grabs you and outs your light. Well, it isn’t his fault you weren’t paying attention, now was it?!
There should be absolutely no images that prove you ever looked sexy or cute or even tried to be. And we will find out. People will go straight to your Facebook or Instagram walls to find out if you ever made yourself a target for murder. (Look at that one… She’s smiling. No wonder she got killed. Smdh)
You should have no boyfriend. That’s just asking for trouble. You should have no ex-boyfriends either because that is even worse. (Women are always pushing their exes buttons by trying to avoid them and stuff).
You should also not not have a boyfriend or ex-boyfriend. That would just be weird and confuse and frustrate Facebook puritans—and probably murderers too.
Do not fight back. That only causes murderers to get angrier, thereby sealing your fate. I mean why would you want your murderer to get mad?
Also do not not fight back. That just sends mixed messages. Duh!
Do not party. There are people there and some are potential murderers. Why put yourself in harm’s way? Are you trying to get killed? In fact, unless you are going to school or work, you should only leave your home to go to church.
Do not go to church too regularly. That will make you naive to the ways of murderers, which is definitely something they dig.
Do not jog, walk or engage in any outdoor exercise. Which do you prefer: rape, murder or diabetes?
But if you do have to walk on the streets—obviously to work, school or church—please do not do so alone. Your vulnerability can be considered provocation to a murderer. Make sure the person you walk with can stop or fight off murderers. Because if the murderer thinks he can still get at you… Well, whose fault is that then? It’s like leaving your door open. Obviously that gives someone the right to take everything in your house. It’s a law! (Or at least it should be, if you don’t think about it).
Make sure the person you walk with is not the murderer. Now granted it might be difficult to tell if that person has never murdered anyone. But always believe any man is a potential murderer and do your utmost not to set him off. Mr Live Wire would recommend that you don’t speak, make eye contact or do anything that might draw attention to yourself. Also don’t be silent and not make eye contact. Those are also bad.
Please vet all friends and boyfriends of your mother, siblings, roommates and neighbours in case any of them are murderers. Like Keithos said, you have just got to take responsibility for yourself and do your homework. You expect the police to ensure that murderers are safely locked away or something?! Get real. If you are living in the vicinity of a murder, it’s your job to move out.
Do not live alone. Do you want to be easy pickings?!
Mr Live Wire is confident that, if you follow these guidelines, you won’t be the next murder victim to embarrass the goodly Prime Minister and acting Commissioner of Police who are doing everything they can to not have to do anything about the murder rate.
And they were doing a good job too. But women never like to see men happy eh? Smdh.
Mr Live Wire is totally unbiased by the way. And, to prove it, we will now do a male version too.
How to not look for your own death while being a man:
Do not get caught having sex with the wife of your friend or relative while on his property.
(If it was the wife of a stranger or done on neutral premises… Well, then it’s a matter for the man and his wife to sort out as they see fit. Am I right?! Woof).