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Warning: As you read this satire, dozens—maybe hundreds—of abusers and killers of women are walking around Trinidad and Tobago, just trying to mind their own business and stay out of trouble.
Inexplicably, young women are provoking them to murder by inadvertently being too slow to outrun them, too weak to outmuscle them and, most of all, by having the audacity to die after a few stabs or being choked or lit on fire.
On behalf of our righteously outraged Prime Minister and his legion of chauvinists, Mr Live Wire has just one word for them and any other woman reading this who might even think about allowing themselves to be murdered: Enough!
Don’t you realise you are needlessly inflating the murder statistics and making the government look bad? Why do you think there is a separate ledger for your murders under the heading: ‘Crime of passion’, ‘domestic incident’ or ‘she look for she ting’?
Dr Keithos gave some yuuuge advice to women that would have totally cut the murder rate of the ‘fairer sex’—and by ‘fairer’, we mean ‘fairer target’—down to zero. Naturally, it went over their heads as their lady brains were probably distracted by things like Love and Hip Hop, preparing meals and not inciting any man within a five mile radius to murder them.
Ladies, I am going to make it easy for you by writing this down. So pay attention.
How to not look for your own death while being a woman:
Do not marry, date, share the same work place, go to school with or say ‘hello’ to anyone who might be a murderer. That is just entrapment and makes you an accessory. Also if a stranger grabs you and outs your light. Well, it isn’t his fault you weren’t paying attention, now was it?!
There should be absolutely no images that prove you ever looked sexy or cute or even tried to be. And we will find out. People will go straight to your Facebook or Instagram walls to find out if you ever made yourself a target for murder. (Look at that one… She’s smiling. No wonder she got killed. Smdh)
You should have no boyfriend. That’s just asking for trouble. You should have no ex-boyfriends either because that is even worse. (Women are always pushing their exes buttons by trying to avoid them and stuff).
You should also not not have a boyfriend or ex-boyfriend. That would just be weird and confuse and frustrate Facebook puritans—and probably murderers too.
Do not fight back. That only causes murderers to get angrier, thereby sealing your fate. I mean why would you want your murderer to get mad?
Also do not not fight back. That just sends mixed messages. Duh!
Do not party. There are people there and some are potential murderers. Why put yourself in harm’s way? Are you trying to get killed? In fact, unless you are going to school or work, you should only leave your home to go to church.
Do not go to church too regularly. That will make you naive to the ways of murderers, which is definitely something they dig.
Do not jog, walk or engage in any outdoor exercise. Which do you prefer: rape, murder or diabetes?
But if you do have to walk on the streets—obviously to work, school or church—please do not do so alone. Your vulnerability can be considered provocation to a murderer. Make sure the person you walk with can stop or fight off murderers. Because if the murderer thinks he can still get at you… Well, whose fault is that then? It’s like leaving your door open. Obviously that gives someone the right to take everything in your house. It’s a law! (Or at least it should be, if you don’t think about it).
Make sure the person you walk with is not the murderer. Now granted it might be difficult to tell if that person has never murdered anyone. But always believe any man is a potential murderer and do your utmost not to set him off. Mr Live Wire would recommend that you don’t speak, make eye contact or do anything that might draw attention to yourself. Also don’t be silent and not make eye contact. Those are also bad.
Please vet all friends and boyfriends of your mother, siblings, roommates and neighbours in case any of them are murderers. Like Keithos said, you have just got to take responsibility for yourself and do your homework. You expect the police to ensure that murderers are safely locked away or something?! Get real. If you are living in the vicinity of a murder, it’s your job to move out.
Do not live alone. Do you want to be easy pickings?!
Mr Live Wire is confident that, if you follow these guidelines, you won’t be the next murder victim to embarrass the goodly Prime Minister and acting Commissioner of Police who are doing everything they can to not have to do anything about the murder rate.
And they were doing a good job too. But women never like to see men happy eh? Smdh.
Mr Live Wire is totally unbiased by the way. And, to prove it, we will now do a male version too.
How to not look for your own death while being a man:
Do not get caught having sex with the wife of your friend or relative while on his property.
(If it was the wife of a stranger or done on neutral premises… Well, then it’s a matter for the man and his wife to sort out as they see fit. Am I right?! Woof).
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Mr. Live Wire is an avid news reader who translates media reports for persons who can handle the truth. And satire. Unlike Jack Nicholson, he rarely yells.
Taking serious things to make joke!!!
Playing politics with people live..how stupid
This piece of writing is ignorance to the highest
Pray, there are answers in prayer. Oops you all are not interested in answers or saving lives, you all are interested in the petty stuff.
Get over it! You too weak to face the real issues.
Watch, you cant even go to school now too…
There is a reason why primary and secondary schools in real countries NEVER leave children unsupervised.
We are a negligent society.
You’re joking right? Firstly, schools in Trinidad and Tobago run the gamut between those that do a really good job and care about the students and those who are much less so. And it isn’t just a difference between government versus denominational schools.
Secondly, the increasing incidence of bullying in ths schools in the US suggests that your statement is hyperbole.
So you’re suggesting that it’s perfectly fine to leave children unsupervised?
Where did I say that Vernal?
I’m trying to understand your point.
The point I was making is that elementary and secondary school students need the protection of adult supervision at all times in school to lessen the likelihood of harm.
The point I am making is that:
1) Your statement that children are NEVER unsupervised in the REAL countries is patently untrue.
2) I am also saying that you cannot paint all schools in T & T with the same broad brush.
In my experience, I have found that the trend is that the schools are a reflection of the parents. Where parents are engaged in the upbringing of their children, there is much more pressure brought to bear on the schools to perform. The behaviour of the children is also different.
We certainly have issues but I am fed up of statements that so called REAL countries are perfect and don’t have problems like we do.
No school can make up for the lack of proper parenting. If you are raising a monster at home, no amount of school supervision will change that.
There is no such thing as a perfect country, but lets be honest, T&T does not even attemp perfection. Instead of directing your indignation at me for my comments it might be more beneficial to direct your indignation at the policy makers like they do in real countries.
Again you are making statements that imply nobody in Trinidad including me is trying to make any difference in my country. I won’t deign to respond.
I don’t even know what made you start.
Indeed because I am clearly wasting my time.
Well when yuh have time tuh waste why not?
Is that all? No sweat! *ceases existing*
Well done…..and to the point too!
Good stuff. Target hardening is worthwhile fodder for satire
Nice piece! ???
This is hilarious. Lol.
On a real though, I have zero intention of embracing victimhood. None.
Well you have plenty explaining to do to those who don’t get it. 😉
True, true fatigue.
I was wondering about the absence of any statement from the IRO or any religious body on his statement. Keep in mind it may take a while for men to show their true colours. And you are married. Most if not all religions frown on divorce. Don’t know how many offer couples counselling. And many families would encourage you to stay, to keep the family together.
Love the T-shirt! Maybe whoever did them can have them for sale and contribute part to shelter for abused women or a programme to support the cause?
And Lasana, after reading about bible toting bandits, I wonder if church ppl would still be naive? Lol.
Still have to read about those bandits.
Ok!
Funny but straight to the point! Good work, Live Wire.
Brilliant!
and sad..
I feel just as conflicted!
I’m sure you do
How not to laugh !?!?!?!?
???