Miracle on Stone Street: Alleyne executes amazing blowjob… allegedly

Crime Watch star Ian Alleyne is not someone easily put inside a box; be it a coffin, witness stand, conformed set of values or whatever else might come to mind.

Alleyne, who is Trinidad and Tobago’s most popular pseudo-crime fighter, is the only politician to get projects done before the election; he is a UNC candidate without a party card who votes where he likes. He is a maverick; an enigma.

Well, add “miracle worker” to his burgeoning CV too.

At around 11 pm on Wednesday, according to the Trinidad Guardian, Alleyne proceeded south along Stone Street, Port of Spain in a Toyota Fortuner SUV after a meeting. He did not say what his meeting was about.

But Stone Street is one of the exit roads from Woodbrook and there is often plenty business to be had there at that hour.

“I pass there every other night,” said Alleyne, who lives in Chaguanas but is at home in any constituency with an intriguing ballot box.

Maybe there are regular national security briefs in those parts. Perhaps Alleyne was under cover or about to be. Or maybe his head was ‘hotting.’

“It is rare when I drive myself but sometimes I need my privacy,” Alleyne told the Guardian.

Este Calder was driving a Volkswagen Golf east along Duke Street with Cory Bennett as company. Calder would normally have had right of way; if not for the fact that a celebrity was driving down the minor street, which automatically made it the major road.

Critics described what happened next as “an accident”; but Mr Live Wire sees only a miracle.

Verily, Calder ploughed into the back of Alleyne’s SUV.

“Mr Alleyne was driving his motor vehicle when it was suddenly hit from behind, resulting in his motor vehicle flipping,” said Prior Beharry, a former journalist who now has a higher calling as a member of Alleyne’s public relations team.

The impact was so serious that it appeared to damage the front rather than the back of Alleyne’s SUV, which flipped on to its side. And disbelieving lawmen later claimed that he was not hit from behind at all. But that was beside the point.

“The car overturn three times… I was frighten for my life,” Alleyne told the Trinidad Express.

And it takes a lot to make Alleyne wet himself.

Verily, Alleyne walked out of his Fortuner vehicle unscathed.

National Security Minister Gary Griffith, in an effort to explain the paranormal, suggested that Alleyne had Snuffleupagus for company. But eyewitness spoke of a more divine presence.

Every man dreams of having his own guardian angel; Alleyne, probably because he is not just a man but also a wealthy celebrity, had four. It is alleged.

“When I went around the car there were four women sitting on the sidewalk,” a witness told the Express, “and I recognised Mr Alleyne’s voice.”

The police turned up and Inspector Ajit Persad was amongst them.

“I never see anything like this,” said Alleyne, “it was a bad omen just following me.”

Hopefully, the ‘omen all have a good sense of humour—they were with Alleyne after all—and do not take offence at that quip from the wanna-be politician.

The lawmen administered a breathalyser; either because Alleyne was in an odd state after appearing to be the protagonist in a vehicular accident or the police wanted his angels to see what a State-approved blowjob looked like.

Alleyne, who may not have expected to be the one doing any blowing on the night, allegedly told TV6 that he hath had three martinis. But his test result was another miracle.

“The result of the test was zero,” said Alleyne, who never speaks a false word unless it is really beneficial for him to do so.

Verily, he hath turneth the wine back to water.

Inspector Persad, who arrested Alleyne a year earlier for repeatedly showing footage of a rape, knew then that he hath been confounded and could not hold him. And Stone Street had witnessed a miracle.

Be still and know that Alleyne is a performer and a celebrity. Coming soon to a Woodbrook Street near you.

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Mr. Live Wire

Mr. Live Wire is an avid news reader who translates media reports for persons who can handle the truth. And satire. Unlike Jack Nicholson, he rarely yells.