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Wired868 journalist Filbert Street (to camera): “Today we return to the Port of Spain hospital where six weeks ago, Football was rushed by ambulance, battered and abused and fighting for its life. Although we all believed Football had begun its recovery, today we have been told of a shocking relapse that, once again, threatens its life. With me, I have the self-titled “Fearless One” Andre Errol Baptiste. Mr Baptiste, can you update us on the condition of our dearly loved Football?”
Baptiste: “Well, as you may be aware, Football was dealt another nasty blow this week with the national under-20 team’s elimination from the Under-20 World Cup qualifiers.”
FS: “Yes, but Mr Baptiste, football teams often lose games, even Spain and Brazil, why is this so serious?”
Baptiste: “Well other nations have superb infrastructure and administration to deal with such emergencies. They will appoint quality new coaches who have the expertise to breathe life back into the patient. They have a wealth of talented youngsters who can be transplanted to replace the non-functioning organs. We just don’t have those kind of facilities.”
FS: “But we can expect new advances in the treatment of Football when the new President, Mr Tim Kee is elected, can’t we?”
Baptiste: “Well, we all hope that Tim Kee can give Football the kiss of life, but realistically, he is only part of the solution. For instance, we have no senior national team coach.”
(Courtesy Photos868)
FS: “But we managed to qualify for the next stage of the Caribbean Cup…”
Baptiste: “Yes, but that was tougher than it looked. And it will be a lot harder in this next round.”
FS: “But this time we will be at home, that must be an advantage?”
Baptiste: “Remember, a large percentage of our Football’s recent abuse has been suffered at home. And can we really count on massive support in Tobago? The decision to play the tournament there might be more about political friction than for Football’s benefit.”
FS: “So, honestly, what chance does Football have of becoming healthy again?”
Baptiste: “It’s all about money really. The support provided by the State is not sufficient.”
FS: “So Football needs a private health policy?”
Baptiste: “In effect, yes. Football needs to generate its own income so that it can afford the treatment it deserves and get access to the best remedies. But Football must learn not to rely on hand-outs. It must gain the trust of the public and work hard to encourage the citizens to care for its health.”
FS: So, what’s the next step on the road to recovery for Football?”
Baptiste: “That’s mainly down to Mr Tim Kee. He has to resolve the immediate issue of the Soca Warriors’ bonus dispute without further alienating the Minister of Sport. That won’t be easy. Then he needs to appoint fresh administrators to care for Football properly. Finally, he needs to appoint a team of coaches, including a Head Coach who can rehabilitate Football and ready it for the 2018 World Cup campaign. A few trips overseas will do it no harm.”
FS: “Well, there you have it. Football remains in critical condition but there may be signs of encouragement on the horizon. Only time will tell if Football can become strong enough again to get off life support system and back on its own two feet. Our hopes and prayers are with Football, as always.”
Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked; no offence is meant at parties named; although they probably deserve it
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Filbert Street is a real columnist who works in a fantasy world that sometimes resembles our own.
