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Scene: Office of the Mayor of Port of Spain, Mr Raymond Tim Kee.
(Phone rings)
Raymond Tim Kee: “Good morning, Mayor Tim Kee speaking. Keep it short brother; time is money.”
Voice: “Is that Tim?”
Tim Kee: “Tim Kee, yes. Who is this?”
Tim Kee is also the Trinidad and Tobago Football Association (TTFA) president and PNM treasurer.
(Courtesy Wired868)
Voice: “Good morning, Tim. This is St Ann’s Book Shop. You purchased a copy of “How To Make Friends And Influence People” from our store last week.”
Tim Kee: “It’s Tim Kee. Yes I did; and I’m glad that you’ve called because I am a bit disappointed with that book.”
Voice: “You are? Why? It’s sold millions of copies worldwide, Tim.”
Tim Kee: “It did? Well, I do like it. It is an excellent book brother. But you see my experience tells me that it is best to start with a more holistic approach. Which is not to say there was anything wrong with the book at all. It depends on your paradigm you see.”
Voice: “Errr… You lost me there, Tim. How do I get back to the junction?”
Tim Kee: “Steups. Listen, my good friend, Mr Warner, said that the best way to influence people is to give them a brown envelope filled with cash. And, if you want them to be your friends, give them two envelopes. But there is no section in this damned book that covers brown envelopes.”
Voice: “Look, Tim, I’m actually not calling to talk about books. Your cheque for the purchase was returned from your bank unpaid.”
Tim Kee: “That can’t be right. Must be a mistake. I’ll have to call them and straighten this out.”
Voice: “What about our money, Timothy?”
Tim Kee: “My name is not flipping Timothy or Tim! It is Tim Kee! Listen, you’ll have to wait; I will pay you when I’m good and ready. Goodbye.”
(Tim Kee dials number)
Operator: “Good Morning, International Royal T&T Bank of Scotland.”
Tim Kee: “This is Mr Tim Kee. I want to speak to the Manager immediately.”
Voice: “Putting you through.”
Manager: “Good Morning, Mr Kee, how can I help?”
Tim Kee: “It’s Mr Tim Kee. You’ve just returned a cheque unpaid that I recently presented. What’s going on?”
Manager: “Well, Mr Kee, or can I call you Tim?”
Tim Kee: “Look, my surname is Tim Kee!”
Manager: “Very well, Sir Kee. Well you presented a cheque for $47, but your account is actually $300 overdrawn.”
Tim Kee: “That can’t be right. I had $800,000 in there last week.”
Manager: “Yes, you invested the money in our Trinidad & Tobago Financial Account, but that money’s no longer there, Sir Kee, so we couldn’t service the cheque.”
Tim Kee: “No longer there? What do you mean? Where the ass it gone?”
Manager: “Please calm down Sir. A bank account is just a few numbers on a bit of paper. The money is never physically there. It’s theoretical.”
Tim Kee: “I didn’t call for a damn economic lesson. That is my hard-earned money! Where the hell is it?!”
Manager: “It’s gone, Sir. And I will advise you to please calm down. I am just doing my job and I think your blood pressure will go through the roof.”
Tim Kee: “You’re supposed to be my banker; not my doctor. And if you don’t tell me where my money is; it might be you going through the roof.”
Manager: “Sir, I see here that Mr Renraw handled Trinidad & Tobago Financial Account account on behalf of the bank. To be honest, he frequently has issues like this with the TTFA accounts; sometimes money is moved to his accounts or just disappears. He’s very unlucky like that. It is a pity really; because he is a great guy otherwise and throws the best parties.”
Tim Kee: “A pity?! You mad or what?! A pity is what will happen when I get over there. That Renraw guy clearly stole my money!”
Manager (in a stiff tone): “Sir Kee, that’s a very serious allegation and I hope you have some kind of evidence to substantiate that claim.”
Tim Kee: “It’s firetrucking obvious. I gave my money to your bank and you assigned to this Renraw bastard and you let him walk away with it. What are you going to do about this?!”
Manager: “Me? What do I have to do with anything?”
Tim Kee: “What? B-but it’s your bank.”
Manager: “But I didn’t take it.”
Tim Kee: “But you have a duty of care to ensure that nobody steals other people’s money.”
Manager: “Look, Sir, Renraw is a great guy. In fact, his Christmas staff parties are legendary. We don’t want to come down on him just because he made one mistake with your account.”
Tim Kee: “My $800,000 is a mistake?! Tips play over… Allyuh playing pitch with my money? I’ll sue his ass, I’ll call the police for him!”
Manager: “Sir, you gave the money to us. How can you sue Mr Renraw?”
Tim Kee: “Then I’ll sue you!”
Manager: “But we have no money. We’re a bank. We use other people’s money. All you would do is tie yourself up in court for seven or eight years and the best you’ll get is a court order to seize our office furniture.”
Tim Kee: “This is ridiculous. One of your people stole my money and you are refusing take responsibility and try to retrieve it from him?!”
Manager: “Well, Sir Kee, there is always a risk with investing in the TTFA account. It doesn’t seem to attract much new funding these days either. But we are in the process of giving Mr Renraw some new staff to work with; so as to improve customer confidence. I hope you will consider investing yourself in the near future.”
Tim Kee: “What the hell allyuh smoking over there?! Invest?! God as my witness, I’m not taking this like that!”
Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked; no offence is meant at parties named; although they probably deserve it.
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Filbert Street is a real columnist who works in a fantasy world that sometimes resembles our own.
Haha, Filbert Street ! I like the “Trinidad & Tobago Financial Account” – TTFA
Occupy TTFA!
Tells me do so ent like so ….. lol
Filbert hasn’t done anything in months. Hope he (or she) continues 😉
Oh gard, oh…. ay, ay. All yuh not easy, nah boy! Not easy at all.