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The case of Minister Two Pull, the Raging Bull and a Tobago 69

Prologue: Sport Minister Anil Roberts has confuffled reporters, who wanted to know if he and Minister Two Pull share the same toothbrush and birthday, by answering their question with a riddle.

“I will answer any and all questions when (Opposition Leader Keith Rowley) answers all the allegations about him about back in Tobago in 1969,” said Roberts. “If he is ready to take a DNA paternity test, I am ready to take any test; drug test (or) any test you want in full glare of the media.”

Confused, CCN reporter Juhel Browne seeks help in unusual quarters.

Scene: Somewhere in east Trinidad.

Juhel Browne: Hello Mr Live Wire. I would like…

Live Wire: …to know who would win the World Cup. Put your money on Argentina. Pope Francis is blessing the referees as we speak.

Photo: Pope Francis (right) receives an olive tree from Argentine forward Lionel Messi on August 14, 2013. Maybe he will get his thanks at Brazil 2014. (Copyright AFP 2014/ Osservatore Romano) RESTRICTED TO EDITORIAL USE - MANDATORY CREDIT "AFP PHOTO / OSSERVATORE ROMANO)
Photo: Pope Francis (right) receives an olive tree from Argentine forward Lionel Messi on August 14, 2013.
Maybe he will get his thanks at Brazil 2014.
(Copyright AFP 2014/ Osservatore Romano)

Browne: No, I want to know about 69.

Live Wire: This is not a Government office.

Browne: 1969… Anil Roberts said Keith Rowley did something big and terrifying in 1969; something that would shock the country over four decades later.

Live Wire: And you come to me because I am the best detective in the country.

Browne: Actually, Sherlock Homeboy was busy investigating a missing goat.

Live Wire: Ahhh… Anil Roberts. Yes, I see he is trying to espouse good family values now. He even took his daughter to work the other day.

Browne: Ehhh… That was his wife.

Live Wire: Ahmm. Of course. I knew that. But tell me more about what happened.

Browne: He said that he would take a drug test if Rowley took a paternity test. What the hell was he talking about?

Live Wire: He was trying to draw in Rowley. Misery loves company.

Photo: Sport Minister Anil Roberts.
Photo: Sport Minister Anil Roberts.

Browne: But what does him taking a drug test now have to do with the possibility of him taking drugs before? How long does he think drugs stay in your system? It’s not herpes. Steups.

Live Wire (smiles): We call that shifting the goalposts. It is a clever diversion Watson…

Browne: My name is Juhel.

Live Wire (continues without acknowledging Browne’s interjection): A policeman asked a murder suspect: “Did you kill Amadoo Huggins?” The suspect replied: “Officer, I am not killing Huggins or anyone else right now. You can clearly see that.”

The officer answered: “Not if you are killing him now. I am asking you now if you killed him before.” The suspect persisted: “So, you are asking me if I killed him twice or just now?”

The officer, growing impatient, snapped: “Not twice, you jackass! Did you kill him now?!” To which the suspect responded: “I most certainly did not. And I have a perfect alibi and a witness of the highest character. You! You were there the whole time asking me questions!”

Browne: Wha? What the hell are you talking about?! Who is Amadoo Huggins?

Live Wire: Somebody’s gonna learn today; alright, alright, alright.

Browne: Look, I just need some help figuring out if this is a real riddle or just nonsense to throw us off the trail. I was told that you have a degree in BS.

Live Wire: I graduated top of my class. Well, it was a tie. Wade Mark did pretty well too.

Photo: Steups, that's nothing! Let me tell you kids about how I got out of school work at GSB! (Courtesy Gov.tt)
Photo: Steups, that’s nothing!
Let me tell you kids about how I got out of school work at GSB!
(Courtesy Gov.tt)

Browne: Is there a smoking gun here? Or is it a red herring?

Live Wire: The last thing Huggins saw was a smoking gun.

Browne: Who is Huggins?

Live Wire: Huggins was a young man who was shot dead on 27 April 2004 in Samaroo Village. There were arrests but the witnesses disappeared; so, after seven years, they were forced to release the main suspect. The same suspect who, midway through his incarceration, made a daring escape from Golden Grove by allegedly bribing a prison guard with $1,000 for two hacksaws.

Browne: Okay; interesting. But what does that have to do with anything?

Live Wire: The man charged with the crime was Rajaee Ali. Within two years of his release, he was made a coordinator in the Life Sport programme.

Browne: Wow.

Live Wire: Hiring Ali to counsel young men about avoiding a life of crime is like leaving your wife for a weekend with Dwight Yorke.

Browne: That’s bad right?

Live Wire: Innocent people are going to be screwed in both scenarios.

Browne: Can we talk about 1969 now?

Live Wire: We are talking about 69; pay attention. You have to understand who you are dealing with. This is a government that was never going to be satisfied with just molesting the electorate. Have you heard of the Classic Seamen hotel?

Browne: No.

Live Wire: Villa Capri?

Browne: Uhhh… (Blushes). That sounds familiar.

Live Wire: The Villa Capri was renamed the Classic Seamen. It is partly owned by the former Mayaro/Rio Claro regional corporation vice-president Raymond Cozier, who was a UNC councillor.

Photo: Former UNC councillor Raymond Cozier (far right) watches Guaya play in the Super League alongside Trinidad and Tobago seniorfootball team head coach Stephen Hart (second from right), TTFA general secretary Sheldon Phillips (far left) and TTFA press officer Shaun Fuentes. A love for sport is not the only thing Cozier has in common with the Sport Minister. (Courtesy Wired868)
Photo: Former UNC councillor Raymond Cozier (far right) watches Guaya play in the Super League alongside Trinidad and Tobago seniorfootball team head coach Stephen Hart (second from right), TTFA general secretary Sheldon Phillips (far left) and TTFA press officer Shaun Fuentes.
A love for sport is not the only thing Cozier has in common with the Sport Minister.
(Courtesy Wired868)

Browne (rolls his eyes): Okay…

Live Wire: On 15 March 2013, Marlene McDonald responded to picong from Anil in Parliament by telling him: “When I learn to speak Spanish I’ll go and talk to him… I’ll go to Room 201.”

Browne: Yes, I think I remember that.

Live Wire: What Marlene did not know is that Room 201 was empty at that time. Exactly a week earlier, just as rumours were spreading about a scandalous video with the Sport Minister, there was a massive raid at the Classic Seamen hotel. They took 76 girls; all foreign. They even took the owner’s bar licence.

Browne: Okay.

Live Wire: Anil’s good partner, Jack Warner, was National Security Minister at the time. Do you know who represented some of the girls in court? Subhas Panday, who was a former Minister in the Ministry of National Security and another of Warner’s partners.

Browne: So you think that raid was retribution for a secret video? Or they wanted to scare or deport the girls and silence witnesses to a scandal?

Live Wire: Don’t ask me, nah. I fed up get pre-action protocol letters.

Browne (rubs his chin for a moment and then sighs): Sir, you have carried me around in circles. I came for answers and you just gave me more questions. What the hell does a raid on a whore house, a video with Minister Two Pull and the Life Sport scandal have to do with Rowley? What did he do in Tobago back in 1969 that could have anything to do with all of this bacchanal?

Photo: I'm waiting to see where Mr Live Wire going with this nonsense... (Courtesy Jyoti Communication)
Photo: I’m waiting to see where Mr Live Wire going with this nonsense…
(Courtesy Jyoti Communication)

Live Wire: Elementary, my dear Watson.

Browne: My name is not Watson.

Live Wire: Why has Anil chosen to mimic the Opposition Leader’s hairstyle when a blind man can see that Clifton De Couteau has the most radical trim in Parliament? Why does he take so much pride in being the PP’s rottweiler?

Browne opens his mouth but cannot find any words.

Live Wire: Who boasts about having “Tobago lips” despite having no obvious link to the Sister Isle? Who is always trying so hard to claim the role of the baddest wajang in the house?

Browne: What are you saying?! It can’t be.

Live Wire: The answer has been in front you all along. How old is the Sport Minister? He is 45 this year. Subtract 45 from 2014 and what do you get?! What do you get?! What year is that?!

Browne: Oh my God!

Browne passes out.

(To be continued… If the acting Police Commissioner agrees).

Editor’s Note: The conversation with CCN journalist Juhel Browne never happened. Or did it?! Seriously, it didn’t…
Everything else barring birth records can be cross-checked through inserted hyperlinks.

And, for those who want to know what Keith Rowley’s paternity test would prove, Wired868 has absolutely no idea! We are fairly certain that it is not as relevant as the scandalous use of State funds in the Sport Ministry’s Life Sport programme or the shameless video in Room 201. And we are not so easily distracted.

About Mr. Live Wire

Mr. Live Wire
Mr. Live Wire is an avid news reader who translates media reports for persons who can handle the truth. And satire. Unlike Jack Nicholson, he rarely yells.

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117 comments

  1. You like pre-action pro-tocol letters go long, smh

  2. Oh gyaaaaad oye!!! Look at bachanal !! I ent go lie, I get ketch with this one. So what yuh saying eh padna? So mammy two pull two timed daddy two pull?

  3. This is like one of those movies where you never see the revelation at the end coming…eg The Usual Suspects…or more appropriately The Empire Strikes Back…”I AM YOUR FATHER” LMAO

  4. omg! lol…well that escalated quickly…all the pieces of that puzzle just fell in place! gad oyeee

  5. Whaaaa…t! U outdid yourself this time buddy…Serious/jokes juxtaposition. Thanks for making it platable

  6. Karma is not just a chutney band….yeah

  7. Somebody’s gonna learn today; alright, alright, alright..

  8. This was captivating.

  9. Minister Two Pull with Tobago Lips, funny.

  10. Every time I read this it gets better…like fine wine

  11. This was soooo funny. Can’t stop laughing.

  12. Reporters confuffle themselves every day. Or haven’t you noticed?

  13. ..intrigue…to the highest level..

  14. Kirk you just might have to hold yourself to that when dealing with these politicians in Trinidad.

  15. Lol, lol, lol, lol. Somebody get me a chair.

  16. Hear nah this ting sooo real it eh funny…. but oh gawd oye, is the juxtaposition of so many characters that I found funny…… lord is only in trini could these bachannal take place I just love it….. absolute love it…

  17. Scotty Ranking

    A most excellent piece of satire. Well done. Bravo! I see not one, but two-pull-itzer prizes in your future. This plot twist at the end is legendary, akin to when Darth Vader revealed himself as Luke Skywalker’s father!

  18. Listen if Rowley is Anil father I going St. Ann’s for my own self. With my own straitjacket. I checking in a room and whole day I laughing. #instantclassic

  19. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! #stopit #ohgorm

  20. Consider yourself disclaimed. The supposition however, is way too ridiculously funny to let go of. Until it is proved otherwise. Anil Rowley.

  21. Hear nah.
    You know how Anil answered reporters questions about the now infamous weed rolling tutorial video he starred in?

    He answered it like he was high. The answer had absolute irrelevance to the question.
    You couldn’t get a better answer than that if you tried!

  22. Live Wire: Hiring Ali to counsel young men about avoiding a life of crime is like leaving your wife for a weekend with Dwight Yorke.

    Browne: That’s bad right?

    Live Wire: Innocent people are going to be screwed in both scenarios.

  23. Journalism at its finest Sonia Kewley, Olivia Andrews… Reminds me of someone Rhoda Bharath :p

  24. Juhel you just received a jewel from the hardest diamond cutter.

  25. Lasana, please put a warning notice before you do another one like that. Yuh cyah be so vicious. I have to give Junior Sammy a word of mouth contract to pick my jaw up from the floor. I will have to organize with one of those sterling young ladies at the Seamen to rub it for me in Hyatt……… I wonder if 201 would be available now?

  26. HILARIOUS!!!!:) but anyway…..is Anil Rowley’s son???:)

  27. More than a few of the comments have already made the point but, in case it’s not yet clear, let me restate that this is absolutely BRILLIANT.

  28. Oh gosh..I can see clearly now. Lol

  29. Behave Wired868 lol pre action protocol on its way!!!

  30. “Why has Anil chosen to mimic the Opposition Leader’s hairstyle when a blind man can see that Clifton De Couteau has the most radical trim in Parliament?” This is almost too good.

  31. Agree with Jamela, clever and funny.

  32. oh mah gaaawwwwdddddddddd…AH WEEAAAAKKKKKKKKK!!!!!

  33. Ah weak…………

  34. Plenty favorites Nicole . From the simple “That was his wife” to “You asking me if I killing him twice or now?” I nearly ded.

  35. Depends on the toilet that is used: His or Herpes .

  36. You @@@@@@@ scandalous! Brilliant!!!!!

  37. Ahhhhhh haaaaaaaa ah haaaaaaa ahhhhhhhh lol

  38. They should use the same ‘intelligence’ they use to get info on what happened 45 years ago in Tobago, to find the murderers of Dana Seetahal.

  39. Excerpt:
    “Browne: But what does him taking a drug test now have to do with the possibility of him taking drugs before? How long does he think drugs stay in your system? It’s not herpes. Steups.”

  40. This was probably my favourite excerpt:
    Browne: But what does him taking a drug test now have to do with the possibility of him taking drugs before? How long does he think drugs stay in your system? It’s not herpes. Steups.

  41. I was contained until Gilbert’s hashtag. lol. I really am impressed to tell you the truth, beyond words. i out of my element with allya yes

  42. Ah could comment right now eh, but only if meh friend Mr. Live Wire defends me in the court house yes, then again I will wait until after the World Cup when Argentina vs Brazil meets in the final and then the bacchaanal will now start. hehehehe

  43. OMG, allyuh trinis eh easy.. now Luana diagnose de man wid ‘abandonment issues.’ lol ah love it!

  44. LOL.. man that is the best ever,. wow.. lol Earl .. comment when you go back.. lol

  45. OMG!, So that’s his beef, he has abandonment issues, poor thing. Thanks Lasana for clearing this up for us and giving us a hearty laugh in the process.

  46. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA .. #STOPIT

  47. Brilliant point Melville. Thankfully the AG didn’t think of that. 🙂

  48. hehehehehehehe yuh know how long now I am saying that there should be a Maury show in our sweet country eh, to find out who is the real child father eh, plenty heads will roll. Them really good yes.

  49. Why did I hv to read this now? Lol

    My office was quiet until I began reading * tears….hahahaha

  50. asked and answered…..I presume??..lol

  51. Hitler sent all the Jewish comedians, cartoonists and satirists to the concentration camps as soon as he gained power. Because he knew as soon as people start to laugh at you, you are finished.

  52. Roflmaoooooo …. Lasana Liburd you are a BRILLIANT BRILLIANT man …. I love you *sending some Tobago love* :*

  53. You have too much time on your hands Lasana lol. Very entertaining!!!!

  54. It’s a breath of fresh air to enjoy a non partizan, intellectual discourse…. Lasana, not too many people I would associate with Keith Smith. You have passed the test. Looking forward to your writings.

  55. I guess your real test as a trusted satirist will come when rowley and they are in power and you have to now ‘humanise’ them. lol

  56. I think scorn is better than hate. So I try to humanise politicians and administrators with God-complexes and take away their mystique.
    Maybe when we see them as people, it will be easier to stand up for ourselves to them.

  57. Lasana. Kevin is a good friend as well. We have long discussed how satire is best way to get news. Humour as a whole but satire in particular. A study of americans suggest jon stewart and colbert are the most trusted ‘news’ sources in USA.

  58. Well, Kevin’s piece on the Missing Goat was first class for sure! I don’t even know if I am a satirist. I just kept experimenting on a way of repackaging news that was already in the public domain and it kinda morphed into the columns I do now.
    The aim really is to turn public despair into scorn, which is a lighter load to carry. And to strip sometimes complex stories into a simpler narrative with a dash of entertainment tossed in.
    So I’m always trying to educate as much as anything else. I’m glad people have developed a taste for it!

  59. Brilliant Lasana, I cah stop laughing, nor crying.

  60. IMHO he is now equal to or better than kevin baldeosingh having long surpassed bc pires.

  61. I am a sport writer, Eric, and was advised not to mess around with satire to confuse the people who come to me for serious news. So Live Wire is a way of separating the straight news from the satire. Thanks. 😉

  62. Who is live wire ? Really curious. Excellent writer, I must say…

  63. Words can’t express my disappointment………that I can’t see minister two pull read this article and roll on the ground nearly 2 2 mihself laughing. Yuh daddy is yuh daddy but yuh daddy don’t know. Or care. Or respect the best bone in yuh body.

  64. papi…but wired would never tell

  65. ha hi nah kill meh hear nah

  66. And, as always, there are a lot of facts with hyperlinks in between the gags… 😉

  67. Man this is brilliant. Freaking brilliant I tell you.

  68. lmaooooo!! !!! great piece in deed lol

  69. I know Lasana, hope he plugs in and enjoy..

  70. Oh, and thanks for letting us know Villa Capri name change…ill pass on the info to meh pardna dem.

  71. Na!….wait na,,,,you not saying what I think you saying ent? BTW, credit should be given to another journalist who wrote about Sherlock Homeboy..

  72. John Ho ent ah tell yuh dais he father?

  73. Oh gouud! Ah love it!

  74. Haaaa Two pull 69. Can’t wait for calypso fiesta next year.

  75. This is real head

  76. Yo this is freaking brilliant.
    2014 – 45 = 1969… HOLY SHIT… If Anil starts calling Rowley papa I will lose consciousness.

  77. Savitri Maharaj, I put in Sherlock Homeboy, the reference to the goat and a link to that story just to give Baldeosingh a plug! I could have easily said Sherlock Holmes and it wouldn’t have changed the flow.
    It was my way of giving him a shout out.