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Scene: Office of the Prime Minister
Kamla: “Roger, where is everybody? None of my ministers seems to be working lately…”
Roger Samuel, Minister of State in the Office of the Prime Minister: “Well, Madam PM, you’ve gagged everybody important.”
Kamla: “Yes but we didn’t think about the other unimportant ministers, did we?”
Roger: “To be fair, Madam PM, nobody has ever taken notice of Jamal before. Even I had to double check to make sure that he was actually Minister of Communications.”
Kamla: “So where is he?”
Roger: “We don’t know. I’ve called his office, his home, his government cell and his personal phone but I got no response from any of them. I’ve sent e-mail to his official, business and personal e-mail addresses but I’ve so far got no reply. I’ve sent him a BBM, an MSM, a tweet and I poked him on Facebook. Still nothing. I even wrote him a letter but I don’t expect that to reach him for another week.”
Kamla: “So our Minister of Communications is not communicating?”
Roger: “That’s correct; he’s incommunicado.”
Kamla: “In Communicado? Is that in Venezuela? I thought you just said you didn’t know where he is?”
Roger: “No, Madam PM, incommunicado, out of contact.”
Kamla: “Oh, I see. So what about Jack? It’s been three days since he last embarrassed us. That must be some kind of record, isn’t it?”
Roger: “Following your instructions, Madam PM, we took him to Mount Hope where his foot was removed from his mouth and then we bound and gagged him and put him into isolation.”
Kamla: “And where is this isolated environment, Roger?”
Roger “In your official residence, Madam PM; we had to clear quite a lot of cobwebs.”
Kamla: “Hmmm. Are you sure I can’t rent that place out, Roger? I’m sure I can get at least $25,000 per month for it. It’s a shame to leave it standing empty.”
Roger: “No, Madam PM, there’s no way we could get away with that. We almost got caught renting out the helicopter to Machel at Independence so we have to be extremely careful.”
Kamla: “So where is the rest of the Cabinet?”
Roger: “Well, a couple of ministers are dealing with their import businesses. We have one down in Brazil collecting his commission from the OPV deal. One is in the States collecting his commission from the blimp sale and we had to send someone to deal with the Venezuelan coastguard. Who would have thought that a millimetre on a map could be worth millions out at sea? “
Kamla: “Well, thank goodness everyone is keeping busy. I mean, under the circumstances, we can’t very well expect them to be working on government business, can we? Who would have guessed that people who are truly superb at creating personal fortunes would be absolutely rubbish at running the country? The country certainly didn’t.”
Roger: “Well, yes, we did pull a fast one on them.”
Kamla: “I must admit, I never would have thought that the idea we had when we all played Monopoly at that first Cabinet meeting would actually work. Are you sure I can’t buy the Hyatt for $1 million? It’s a very good offer.”
Roger: “No, Madam PM, I’ve explained to you that it is government property and therefore its sale would be public knowledge. You have to do like the others and find something more creative.”
Kamla: “I suppose so. So where are the other MPs?”
Roger: “Most of them are attending to personal business. A few have taken the week off to collect the rents from their properties.”
Kamla: “Okay. I guess that’s what they pay us for.”
Roger: “One last thing, Madam PM. We have to begin deducting the money from the MP’s salaries for the Children’s Life Fund. We’re still going with 5%, I believe?”
Kamla: “Oh God! What a waste of money! Why did I let you convince me to do that?”
Roger:” Remember, we were trying to create a caring, sympathetic image for you.”
Kamla: “Yes, but why do we actually have to do it? These parents should be paying their own way instead of taking bread out of our mouths. I mean, we ourselves are barely surviving.”
Roger: “Well, it would be nice to keep at least one of our election promises.”
Kamla: “I suppose. Well, okay. But put back $69 dollars a day for each minister from the fund for that stupid People and Projects for Progress programme. That’s money nobody wants, anyway.”
Roger: “Yes, Madam Prime Minister.”
Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked; no offence is meant at parties named although they probably deserve it
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Filbert Street is a real columnist who works in a fantasy world that sometimes resembles our own.
