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Beverly Hills braces for 52-point crime plan

Scene: Office of Acting Commissioner of Police.

Phone rings.

“Good morning, Stephen Williams speaking.”

“Good morning, Sir. Acting Assistant Commissioner Fredericks here.”

“Yes, What can I do for you, AAC Fredericks?”

Photo: The Trinidad and Tobago Police Service is on the job.

“Well, sir, it’s about the Minister’s new 52-point crime plan…”

“Ah, yes, the crime plan. Interesting reading, isn’t it?”

“Surely, sir, we can’t be expected to implement this?”

“Unfortunately, that’s exactly what the Minister expects.”

“But it’s madness, sir. It’s a waste of time and resources.”

“Fitzroy, my friend, if you propose to keep your job as an ACOP, you have to stop thinking like a policeman and think like a politician.”

“But politicians don’t have a clue, sir, you know that.”

“Of course they don’t, Fitzroy. But you must understand that when Jamla wants something done, it’s gets done with no ifs, ands or buts.”

“Jamla, sir? Who’s Jamla?”

“Oh, Jack and Kamla, Fitzroy. Get with it. They’re now like those celebrity couples in Hollywood so we refer to them with one name. Brangelina is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and Tomkat is Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Get it?”

“Well, yes sir, but back to the Minister’s crime plan…”

“All 52 points are to be implemented, Fredericks.”

“Sir, Item 1 is put a police car in Beverly Hills.”

“Correct.”

“And Item 2 is put a police car in Beverly Hills.”

“Correct.”

And Item 3 says put a police car in Beverly Hills.”

“That’s correct.”

“But, sir, Item 1 through 52 reads exactly the same way: put a police car in Beverly Hills!”

“That’s right, Fredericks. There are to be 52 police cars placed in Beverly Hills.”

“But what’s the point of it, sir? We’ll never catch anybody.”

“True. But the Minister will be able to say that he’s stopped the bloodshed in Beverly Hills. It’ll be a victory for the police.”

“Even if the gangs create havoc all over the rest of the country? You know there’ll be a crime spree.”

Photo: Crime? What crime?

“Yes, but that will be blamed on inadequate investment in the police by the PNM government. Then Jamla will announce the purchase of more vehicles and the recruiting of more policemen and women.”

“But it’s senseless, sir. It’s a total waste of resources!”

“Of course it is, Fredericks. Look, the Minister knows he can’t stop crime in the country at the moment so he figures that at least he can win a partial victory. Can’t you see the headline: ACTION MAN BEATS BEVERLY HILLS CRIME?”

“Well, sir, I’m not comfortable with all this; it seems so, well, dishonest.”

“It’s not dishonest, Fitzroy, it’s politics. That’s what we signed up for.”

“Do we even have 52 police cars available?”

“Technically, yes.”

“Technically?”

“Well, remember that police officers now take their cars home so we have hundreds sitting in private garages and on private driveways across the country but we can’t use those. a few hundred more are in the garage awaiting service.”

“All in one garage?”

“Yes, sir. Renraw Motors was awarded the contract to replace the network of private contractors we used to use but they only have one garage. The turnaround time has increased from three days to 33 days but that’s a small price to pay, the Minister said.”

“There must be something we can do, Fitzroy.”

“Well, sir, we could borrow the highway patrol vehicles.”

“And what will happen on the roads?”

“We have over 30 mountain bikes and about three dozen horses. They do nothing at night.”

“Great idea. We can say we’re going green. Cycle cops on the highways and mounted police as fast pursuit vehicles. I love it. Write it up immediately.”

“Yes, sir. Right away, sir.”

“Performance beats 21st Century Policing anytime, day or night!”

 

Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked; no offence is meant at parties named although they probably deserve it

 

Editor’s Note: Read the actual Government response to Beverly Hills crime wave here; so much for our disclaimer

AboutFilbert Street

Filbert Street
Filbert Street is a real columnist who works in a fantasy world that sometimes resembles our own.

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4 comments

  1. Well done…funny but thought provoking…

  2. I’m just reading this and realise that this is exactly what the Minister of National Security did!

    “But what’s the point of it, sir? We’ll never catch anybody.”

    “True. But the Minister will be able to say that he’s stopped the bloodshed in Beverley Hills. It’ll be a victory for the police.”

    And I saw the PM yesterday boasting that there have been no murders in Laventille 10 days!!

    “Of course it is, Fredericks. Look, the Minister knows he can’t stop crime in the country at the moment so he figures that at least he can win a partial victory. Can’t you see the headline: ACTION MAN BEATS BEVERLY HILLS CRIME?”

    It’s like deja vu!!! Well predicted!!

    • On behalf of Filbert Street, I assure you that Wired868’s news satire is not meant to be a reference point for Government policy. Maybe we should consider adding a footnote that reads: “Do not attempt this if you actually are a Government Minister.” Joking, of course.