Scene: Office of the Prime Minister.
(Prime Minister Kamla Persad-Bissessar walks in to meet COP leader Prakash Ramadhar already seated)
Prime Minister: Hello Prakash. Did I keep you waiting long?
Prakash Ramadhar: No longer than usual, Madam Prime Minister.
Prime Minister: It was that damn Verna! Did you see how she tried to block me?! I don’t know why Kublalsingh doesn’t invite her to fast too; so I could knock her down myself next time. Who would think it would take so long to get her out of our system? She like a bad curry!
Prakash: You handled it beautifully Prime Minister.
Prime Minister: I wonder if we can tweak the anti-bullying bill to deal with Verna… I will ask Anand. Anyway, Prakash boy, that was an excellent speech in Parliament today. I didn’t know you had it in you.
Prakash: Thank you Madame Prime Minister. I indulge you on behalf of our fine constitution to speak my thanks.
Prime Minister: What’s that?
Prakash: Sorry, Madame Prime Minister. I mean I thank you for indulging me to speak on behalf of our fine constitution bill. I seem to be a little light headed today.
Prime Minister: Haha. No problem Praks. You did very well. You put Rowley in his place!
Prakash: Rowley is no match for my superior oratory skills, Madam.
Prime Minister: Not at all, Prakash. Not at all.
Prakash: And what was that nonsense Mr Live Wire spreading about me being the first turkey to vote for Thanksgiving? I see the Opposition Leader parroting it now… Oh shims. I should have called him a parrot. See Madam? I always get the best ideas when either you or the AG is in the room to help!
Prime Minister: We will always have a space in the room for your Praks. Don’t worry about that. I asked Moonilal to get you a nice rug and floor cushion. You are our pardoned turkey. (Winks).
Prakash: That sounds wonderful Prime Minister… (Pauses) What do you mean though?
Prime Minister: How you mean?
Prakash: No, I meant what do you mean?
Prime Minister: What do you mean by how I mean?
Prakash: How am I a pardoned turkey?
Prime Minister: Let’s forget that stupid analogy. Turkeys are flightless birds with no taste, small brains and limited depth perception. That doesn’t sound anything like you, does it?
Prakash: Ahmm… Can I take some time to consider that new information?
Prime Minister: But Prakash, I just told you what to think. Not so?
Prakash: Ahmm. Yes. Very good, Prime Minister.
Prime Minister: Okay Prakash. Nice of you to drop in but I have some urgent business to attend to. Daren Ganga is dropping by for me to vet his cricket DVD. So…
Prakash (looks at his shoes): Prime Minister, everybody saying that you’re using me for my job title. Merle said how you telling everyone that I’m just a pretty face and an empty head…
Prime Minister: I categorically deny ever calling you a pretty face…
Prakash: It getting so hard to know who to trust now. I just want to do the right thing for my country and my party. The AG told me a runoff would allow more people to vote for the COP. But how are we better off if we are not on the final ballot?
Prime Minister: Well…
Prakash: Mr Live Wire also asking, if we like elections so much, why we don’t call a referendum and let the public vote on the proposed amendments themselves. And people say Rowley was fighting for the COP more than I was today. And when Marlene spoke about good governance…
Prime Minister: What anybody in the PNM know about good governance? Would they be on the Opposition bench if they knew about good governance?
Prakash: Well, that is true.
Prime Minister: And who vote for Live Wire? Ever since I let Jack Warner dress up as Prime Minister once or twice, Live Wire feels he is the new Ria Taitt and could tell people about politics. I will have to buy some footballs for Tim Kee so Live Wire would mind his business instead yes.
Prakash: You want me to get the footballs, Madam Prime Minister?
Prime Minister: What you know about balls? Tell Rupert to buy them.
Prakash: Will do Prime Minister. But how do you think I should answer Merle and my friends in the COP?
Prime Minister: Prakash if all your friends in the COP sit down on my desk right now, it would still be empty.
Prakash (thinks for a while): I’m sorry Prime Minister. I don’t quite understand that compliment…
Prime Minister: Tell them it is better to serve as an acting COP than not at all.
Prakash: An acting CoP?
Prime Minister: There is no COP, Prakash. You all are UNC in fancy clothes. You always were. Like how CIC students used to wear their dress uniform and pay half the fare to maxi conductors who thought they were from Curepe Junior Sec.
Prakash: You mean CUC?
Prime Minister: St Mary’s College, boy.
Prakash (nods emphatically but with a confused look): So I will tell the naysayers like Jack Warner, Marlene and Merle that…
(He peers over his glasses)
Prime Minister: Steups. You studying Jack? The whole thing was his idea when he was on this side! How you think FIFA selects its World Cup hosts?! The first ballot is just to mamaguy some of the people who didn’t bribe well enough before you get down to the serious business.
So you mean to say the system that choose between Qatar and the United States for the 2018 World Cup not good enough to work out if Gypsy or Clarence Rambharat should run Mayaro next year?
Prakash (writing as he speaks): So I can say that the PP is getting more and more like FIFA every day in terms of its governance, transparency and accountability…
Prime Minister: Prakash, get out of my office.
Prakash: Yes, Prime Minister.
Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked. No offence is meant at parties named; although they probably deserve it.
And, of course, our thanks to former British sitcom: Yes, Prime Minister.