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Scene: Office of the Minister of National Security
Phone rings.
Jack Warner: “Good morning, President of Trinidad and Tobago speaking.”
Fuad Khan: “Erm, sorry, I meant to call Minister Warner.”
Warner: “Oh, yes, sorry. Warner speaking.”
Khan: “Jack, it’s Fuad. Did you say you were the President?”
Warner: “No, no. I thought it was President Richards calling me.”
Khan: “Eh? I don’t quite follow…”
Warner: “Look, what you call me for man?”
Khan: “Right, okay. Jack, I need to speak to you about my forensic scientists.”
Warner: “What about them?”
Khan: “Well, I think you’re influencing their findings.”
Warner: “Minister, you always thinking about something or the other, eh? Just the other day, I told Kamla we should rename you ‘Fuad for Thought’. Hahaha!”
(Khan waits politely until Warner finishes laughing at his expense).
Khan: “This is serious, Jack. My entire Ministry can be brought into disrepute if my pathologists’ findings are altered to fit your needs.”
Warner: “Fuad, I have no idea what you are talking about.”
Khan: “Jack, there have been a series of autopsies which initially suggested that there was nothing untoward about the person’s death and then a second or third autopsy that suggested excessive force from members of the protective services.”
Warner: “Really? I never noticed that.”
Khan: “Don’t you remember the soldier who was shown to have had a heart attack before a second autopsy showed he was strangled? And that is not an isolated incident.”
Warner: “Yes, I think I recall that.”
Khan: “Well now we’ve had a man shot 37 times in the head and chest by police. But the first autopsy concluded that he died from an embolism caused when he fell and banged his head on the road. We now know that he was killed by any one of seven bullets fired by the police.”
Warner: “I suppose both autopsies are plausible. But roads are very hard you know…”
Khan: “What? But the reason he fell is because he was shot 37 times. Perhaps he did bang his head but how can that be ruled as an accidental death? ”
Warner: “Steups. He was alive when he fell, so it is only logical that the road killed him. It’s a good thing the Prime Minister stopped you from practising yes. Clearly, practise don’t make perfect!”
Khan: “That’s ridiculous. The police killed him. They fired the shots.”
Warner (voice raising): “You can’t even do your job and you’re trying to tell me about mine?! Eh?! Even if he did die from a bullet, it wasn’t the police who killed him.”
Khan: “Jack, we have CCTV footage of the whole thing. Six policemen opened fire on him.”
Warner: “Maybe so. But it wasn’t the police who killed him. It was their guns.”
Khan: “But the police fired the guns.”
Warner: “They fired warning shots but, because the guns were badly calibrated, they accidently hit the man.”
Khan: “So, you’re saying that 37 shots all accidently hit the man, and none missed?”
Warner: “Incredible bad luck, eh? And those guns were bought under the PNM regime too. That is more PNM murders. I hope Rowley has a category for those too!”
Khan (takes a deep breath): “Jack, I find these autopsies to be very suspicious and they all seem to protect your people.”
Warner: “Look Fuad, if I lend you my car and the brakes don’t work and you crash into a tree, is it your fault?”
Khan: “Well, no. But what’s your point?”
Warner: “The policemen can’t be held responsible if their weapons are not calibrated properly, can they? Anyhow, you don’t need to worry any more, Fuad. I am forming a new unit and all of their operations will be top secret and above investigation. So no more autopsies.”
Khan: “New unit? What is it?”
Warner: “The General Enlisted Soldiers Trained As Police Officers unit. I should have my GESTAPO up and running before Carnival. Kublalsingh better go and play with Tribe or something and leave my highway alone if he knows what’s good for him! Hahaha!”
Khan: “GESTAPO?! You can’t be serious?”
Warner: “Nothing to worry about Fuad. You’re safe. For now. But don’t play you’re calling me with all that bass in your voice again eh? You better get your tweeters working again. Hahaha!”
Khan: “Jack… Does your plan for starting a GESTAPO have anything to do with your new look?”
Warner: “You mean my Charlie Chaplin moustache? No. Why?”
Khan: “Ahmm. Nothing. I have to go pack. Bye Jack.”
Warner: “You’re travelling? Don’t forget to bring me back something from the Duty Free eh? I really miss that place, oui. Anyway, I have plenty to do here. Later Fuad.”
Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked. No offence is meant at parties named; although they probably deserve it.
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Filbert Street is a real columnist who works in a fantasy world that sometimes resembles our own.
