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An offbeat look at: Crime, Church, CEPEP and Christmas

Wired868 abandons satire in this series to go straight for the forehead:

Call me Ishmael. The name my mother gave me not too good at the moment; so is best to use this one to get a Government cheque.

I work CEPEP, or 10-days as allyuh like to call it. That does roll off allyuh tongue like a cuss word eh?

“Ten days.”

Imagine a country where people can’t hold their concentration more than five days and they want to look down at me for remembering where I working and what I supposed to be doing for ten?! Eh?! Five days in Trinidad and people forget why Kublalsingh on the pavement and offering the man sandwiches. Eh? People forget bout oil spil and the million dollar firetruck and the women’s football team and Dana Seetahal…

Look how Gary Griffith boasting that serious crimes cut in half this year and he there skinning his plate with two big boy policemen who don’t know dey backside from a Blackberry.

Photo: National Security Minister Gary Griffith. (Courtesy Ministry of National Security)
Photo: National Security Minister Gary Griffith.
(Courtesy Ministry of National Security)

‘Cause Gary know allyuh forget all them criminals were working for the Government in Life Sport this year. And everybody working for the Government does have a drop in productivity, not so?! Hahaha.

Gary tell the papers that: “when you do the maths it is that every single hour there was one less serious crime committed in comparison to 2009.”

I wish I was there to slap him with a textbook. That is how you does make intelligent comparisons? By looking for the worst period for something and then saying: ‘look how much better things are now’?

They ent hold Dana killers yet eh. They ent even interrogate Two Pull despite audio and video evidence. But they brass-face to stand there and tell us look how many good things happen while they wasn’t doing anything.

You think I could stay home from work and tell you compared to 1937 the rate of littering on the decline, and then everybody eat sandwiches and sip Malta and the media put my picture in the papers?! Steups.

People does get nervous when they see a young fellah walking with his jeans almost by his knees. But me? Is those fat men shuffling around the place like penguins in dey suit and tie that does scare Jesus out of me.

Those young gangstas might distress a family or two. But the fellahs in suit and tie does ravage a whole country. Like the old people say, allyuh doesn’t fraid what allyuh should really fraid.

I have the best job in the country yuh know. I get to smell the morning air before all them Prado and them hit the road. When allyuh spending big money for gym instructors to insult allyuh, I getting paid to exercise. I get my yoga work-out from stretching in the back of the drain to reach an old newspaper.

Photo: It is a matter of office space, right?
Photo: It is a matter of office space, right?

When allyuh praying for month’s end to reach, I get paid already. So allyuh sit down in that stuffy recycled air in the office and let allyuh belly get big if allyuh want; but don’t bad talk me.

Oh gorm, look Pastor passing.

“Good morning son,” says a well dressed gentleman, “are you ready to do the Lord’s work and join God’s army?”

“Doh worry ‘bout me Pastor, I in the secret service. My file classified.”

Steups. Every day I making my country more beautiful but what he and his fancy words doing for anybody? Imagine the Government say my salary too small to tax and he want to tell me about giving ten percent tithes.

So you mean to say God eye longer than Moonilal and them own?!

Because I don’t have degrees they feel I can’t read and understand. When Jesus find them jacket and tie men making money in the temple instead of looking after His business, what He do? Man, Jesus turn over table and start to pelt hand and thing. You feel those money changers left because Jesus asked nicely?

But yet Pastor and them line up in their suit and tie for handouts from the most boboliferous Government of all time; and he want to tell me about what Jesus want me to do with my hard-earned money?! He feel I pass around a bucket for my salary or what?! Steups.

When Kamla ask her MPs to vote on constitutional reform, the big pastor in her Cabinet abstain. He don’t understand English? He ask anybody in Arima for an opinion before he said he didn’t have one?

Photo: Arima MP and Pastor Rodger Samuel.
Photo: Arima MP and Pastor Rodger Samuel.

Jesus say don’t hide your light under a bushel but he abstain on a document that could decide the future of our whole damn country… They lucky I don’t really act like Jesus and go and ransack some of those smart men who collecting money in His name oui.

Anyway, I’m done for the day. Look how nice the street looking? Allyuh don’t even clean allyuh own yard. When last you make something beautiful?

Allyuh cussing people on the road, stuffing allyuh fridge with enough food to feed the whole of Beetham and the only thing yuh ent buy them spoil children of yours is a throne and crown. And then allyuh singing bout peace and goodwill to man!

Peace of what? What allyuh leave the people whose backs you were riding on in yuh will?

Anyway, doh study it pardners. You live your life and let me live mine. Just pay me what you promise me on time eh?!

And make sure they have an honest dollar and an honest day’s work waiting for me! If allyuh only tell me any nonsense about oil prices when it’s time to pay me after allyuh thieving money like is monopoly since 2010…

Larry Howai better make sure he fenced around good in 2015, yes.

About Lasana Liburd

Lasana Liburd
Lasana Liburd is the managing director and chief editor at Wired868.com and a journalist with over 20 years experience at several Trinidad and Tobago and international publications including Play the Game, World Soccer, UK Guardian and the Trinidad Express.

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  1. Wired868 has some of the best worded articles 🙂

  2. Shame on Rodger Samuel… we need to vote this government out… Most corrupt ever

  3. Shame that the “per diem” only broke this morning oui!

  4. Gary Griffith is an elitist idiot who seems to believe that by holding titles and high office makes you infallible. Roger Samuel on the other hand has become so use to lying to people and himself that he now thinks that he can lie to the same God he pretends to serve.

  5. Up to now not even ah lil fish yet , only roaches.

  6. Yeah. The offbeat column takes a slightly different twist to the usual satire.
    I was actually wondering if it went far enough or not.
    Life is theatre isn’t it? One has to keep his or her wits close about at all times to avoid becoming another jester.

  7. Lasana, this is funny – but in a sad, sad kind of way!

  8. look the satan pastor samuel sold his soul for money, no better than pastor cuffy

  9. and we cant forget “boboliferous”!!!!

  10. Plain talk and facts with ah lil humour…Let the truth be told…Well said as always Lasana

  11. “God eye longer than Moonilal and em own”…hear nah…ah wasn’t ready!!!!! *flingslappy*

  12. Facing facts with a sense of humour. If yuh cyah laugh in this place yuh dead oui.

  13. Hahahaha ah weak. Love it. True talk.

  14. You have a most singular ability to take a satirical look at a parody you know Lasana Liburd? Hahaha

  15. Scotty Ranking

    Great one! looks like Mr LiveWire has some competition!