Will Police get Lucky over the tragic Sea Lots accident?

Scene: Office of Acting Commissioner of Police, Stephen Williams

Phone rings.

Stephen Williams: “Good morning, Commissioner Williams speaking, and like Denzil Washington, I’m only acting. Hahaha!”

Gillian Lucky: “Sorry but I’m not looking for Denzil Washington and I doubt I would find him at this number. Mr Williams, this is Gillian Lucky, Director of the Police Complaints Authority.”

Williams: “Christ!!! Ah, yes. Well, I only punched him twice in self-defence and he fully deserved it…”

Lucky: “What?”

Williams: “… And just because he wore handcuffs and was 72 years old does not mean he wasn’t dangerous. We cannot take any chances.”

Lucky: “Mr Williams…”

Williams: “… God knows what he might have done if he managed to get back into his wheelchair.”

Lucky: “Mr Williams, please be quiet. I have no idea what you’re talking about. Although by the sound of it, it seems to be a matter that will be on my desk soon.”

Williams: “Oh, sorry, I must have been having a nightmare.”

Lucky: “But you’re awake!”

Williams: “Hmm, maybe. I tend to drop off now and again. That’s how I got my nickname as a rookie officer – The Sleeping Policeman.”

Photo: There is no evidence that Simpsons’ character, Chief Clancy Wiggum, is investigating the Sea Lots tragedy. But he might fit right in.
Photo: There is no evidence that Simpsons’ character, Chief Clancy Wiggum, is investigating the Sea Lots tragedy.
But he might fit right in.

Lucky: “Mr Williams, I’m calling about the tragic accident at the Sea Lots last month. I read some disturbing reports about the investigation in the newspaper.”

Williams: “Ah, yes, Sea Lots. Well, Mr Lucky.”

Lucky: “It’s Miss Lucky, Commissioner”

Williams: “Miss? Really? Do you have a cold? Well, anyway, I wouldn’t listen to the newspapers. As our Prime Minister said, there are rogue elements out there trying to undermine our integrity. It’s all political, you know?”

Lucky: “In that case, perhaps you can remove some concerns that I have about the case?”

Williams: “Certainly, anything to help a lovely lady. Why not call me Stephen?”

Lucky: “Mr Williams, I am calling you in a professional capacity. Now, did you breathalyse the off duty policeman who was driving the car?”

Williams: “Well, there you go straight away driving down a blind alley. We didn’t fail to breathalyse the driver. In fact, I have the results here on my desk. Alcohol content in the breath sample was zero. That’s very low, you know?”

Lucky: “And when was this breath sample taken?”

Williams: “Good question, honey. It was taken on the very same day that the accident took place. Can’t get much better than that, can you?”

Lucky: “Mr Williams, I am not your honey and you certainly will not be seeing mine. Now what was the time of the test?”

Williams: “The time? Well, I believe it was taken at 2.47 pm. They did it at the hospital so there could be no accusations of interfering with the test.”

Lucky: “But that was nearly six hours after the accident, Mr Williams.”

Williams: “Yes. And as you should know, alcohol stays in the blood system for eight hours.”

Lucky: “But what if the driver was drinking 2 hours before the accident? Witnesses claimed that he was drunk. Why did it take six hours to administer a breath test?”

Williams: “Well, obviously, our first concern was to attend to the injured pedestrians, direct the traffic and investigate the accident. I feel like we have gotten off on the wrong foot. Would you like to come to my office?”

Lucky: “I’m not calling about your foot or any other part of your anatomy. Now, you talk about the injured pedestrians and what not. But the driver was escorted away from the scene by police officers while the victims were left to wait for ambulances.”

Williams: “You know there’s not enough room for everyone in a police car, miss. Be reasonable.”

Lucky: “Well, it does seem odd that a police officer who appeared to be intoxicated is removed from the scene while seriously injured victims are left on the side of the road. I also understand that the blood test is inadmissible since the equipment was not correctly calibrated.”

Williams: “Yes, that was lucky that we discovered that when we did, otherwise other blood tests would have been inadmissible too.”

Lucky: “Lucky? How can you describe the malfunction of an essential piece of equipment that may allow a guilty person to avoiding prosecution as lucky? You’re supposed to ensure the equipment is ready and calibrated at all times.”

Williams: “Honey, you can’t legislate for an occasional break down of a piece of equipment. It happens.”

Lucky: “Can you please refer to me as Miss Lucky? This is serious business and I don’t appreciate your flippant manner or your pet names. Those machines are supposed to be checked and maintained 24/7. What about the traffic cameras by the way?”

Williams: “They stopped working. Cameras can be so unpredictable. Just the other day, I was snapping some WPCs’ uniforms, for archiving purposes of course, and our camera died on us…”

Lucky: “Let me get this straight: An off duty police officer mowed down six pedestrians around 9 am. He appeared to be drunk and had half a bottle of alcohol on his passenger seat. Yet, he was taken away in a police car and it was nearly six hours before he received a breath test. The machine on which his blood was tested for alcohol and drugs was not calibrated, so the results are inadmissible. Neither of the two traffic cameras in the area was working correctly, so there is no footage of the incident. And finally, the investigator on this case, Superintendent Moses, has yet to reveal the names of the officers who escorted the driver away.”

Williams: “Yes, that sounds about right. I can assure you that I will give this case my undivided attention and report back to you when the investigation is complete.”

Lucky: “And when do you expect that to happen?”

Williams: “Oh, any time over the next two years. I can keep my attention for a long time you know. Hahaha.”

Lucky: “Even if you were at attention, you can bet your last dollar that I will not salute or be at ease. You will hear more from me on this, Mr Williams. And don’t expect the PCA to rubber stamp anything either.”

Williams: “Somehow I feel you will have better luck with your cold, Miss Lucky. And just so you know, my offer for a private meeting is now off the table.”

Lucky: “Mr Williams?”

Williams: “Yes, Miss Lucky? What do you have to say to that?”

Lucky: “Burn the table.”



Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked. No offence is meant at parties named; although they probably deserve it.

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One comment

  1. Sounds like it’s time for some ‘open container’ laws here.

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