Warner unveils new crime plan; and it’s a gag

Scene: Ministry of National Security

Minister Jack Warner: “It is apparent, of course, that Rowley and his mob are responsible for the high murder rate in this country. I propose that we formulate a plan that will curb their activities and allow the people of Laventille to live in peace”

Acting CoP Williams: “But Minister, with respect, aren’t you losing focus here? You can’t really believe that the PNM is responsible for the number of murders in this country.”

Warner: “Mr Williams, I’ve been Minister of National Security far longer than you’ve been CoP. Don’t you think you should watch and learn when it comes to crime prevention?”

Williams: “Minister, you only preceded me by a few weeks.”

Warner: “Don’t you know that a week is a long time in politics? So four weeks is a long, long, long, long time. And if someone has been doing a job a long, long, long, long time longer than you, wouldn’t you consider them more knowledgeable?”

Williams: “Well, erm, I suppose so.”

Warner: “Okay, so learn from the master. Do you think it’s a coincidence that all of the 310 murders this year happened when the PNM were in opposition? And 354 murders in 2011 when, guess who was in opposition? And look at 2010. No sooner had the PNM taken up residence as the opposition and 55 people were murdered in June. Fifty-five in the first month of opposition. Do you think this is just coincidence, Williams?”

Williams: “But Minister, is it not the ruling party’s responsibility to deal with crime?”

Warner: “How dare you! We are hard on crime. In fact, we completely stopped crime until the PNM murdered that man the other night.”

Williams: “How could the PNM have murdered someone? And why would they do it?”

Warner: “Williams, Rowley is desperate. The PP government is more popular than ever. Everybody loves us. Even the people of the PNM stronghold in Laventille love us. They’ve decided to give up crime completely.”

Williams: “Only because we have them on lockdown. That can’t continue forever, Minister. And once we leave, the crime will be back. These people need more than a localised SOE; they need jobs and better social programmes.”

Warner: “Nonsense. The PNM stirred them up with their constant criticism of me. They keep openly challenging me and saying I have no crime plan. We must put a media block on this anti-government criticism. It’s precisely this that has caused the last murder.”

Williams: “Are you saying you want to control the media?”

Warner: “Why not? I’m already buying most of it.”

Williams: “Because it’s undemocratic. The Opposition has a right to criticise the crime situation. After all, back in December 2009, the Express reported your attack on the government’s handling of crime.”

Warner: “That was yesterday, today is today.”

Williams: “So it was ok for you to criticise, but not for the PNM?”

Warner: “Exactly. Now, I suggest we put immediate surveillance on all PNM activists. We tap their phones, read their emails, bug their homes and offices…”

Williams: “Minister, we can’t do this. It’s illegal. We have no evidence of any crime.”

Warner: “That’s the point, Williams, we must get the evidence. Get Ian Alleyne on the case. And I want that fella, Sergeant Superstar to stop telling everyone about the crimes that keep happening. Can’t he keep a secret?”

Williams: “But we agreed it would be a powerful trust building exercise to keep the public informed about our fight on crime.”

Warner: “Well it’s got to stop. No more crime statistics.”

Williams: “But Sir, I have a democratic duty to protect and serve the public, not the government. If I am asked to give crime statistics, I can’t refuse.”

Warner: “There will be no more crime statistics, Williams.”

Williams: “What do you mean, Minister?”

Warner: “From now on, every time somebody tries report a crime to a police officer, they must say that they lost their pen or have no crime forms left or are just going on their lunch break. I don’t care what they say; I want no more crime recorded.”

Williams: “Are you mad?”

Warner: “Williams, have you heard of zero tolerance?”

Williams: “Mayor Giuliani’s successful initiative in New York?”

Warner: “Yes. Well we’ve now got zero tolerance towards people wasting police time by reporting crime. That will be all…”

Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked; no offence is meant at parties named although they probably deserve it