Another vital Ministry in the works

Scene: Office of National Security Minister

Phone Rings:

“Good Morning, Renraw, I mean Warner, speaking.”

“Good Morning Minister, Collin here.”

“Collin? Collin who?”

“Collin Partap, Minister, your deputy.”

Colin Partap, Minister in the Ministry of National Security

“Ah yes, Mr Phonetap. What can I do for you?”

“Well Minister, I’m still a little upset about our appearance on Morning Edition the other week when that man called in and said I was clueless.”

“Do you know who it was, Collin?”

“No, I don’t have a clue.”

“So what do you think we have all that spying equipment for? Anyway, I’ve been called far worse than that, Collin. I always say: ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but not if I shoot them first’.”

“The thing is, Minister, you’re putting me in the spotlight. When Sandy was in charge, no one knew I existed.  This was a nice job.  Ten-thirty start, off to lunch at 1 pm and then home. Now you have me in meetings at 4.30 am. Before you came along I didn’t even know there were two 4 o’clocks in a day.”

“Sleep is for wimps, Collin. Remember that.”

“But Minister, you’re making promises that we can’t keep, and I find myself trying to defend them, which is impossible.”

“Collin, my boy, learn from the master. We’re grooming you for greater things. Learn from me and one day you could have your own Ministry. In the next reshuffle we’ll be bringing in some new cabinet posts as we still have some MPs scraping by on $14,000 per month so we have to get them up to $33,000. I shouldn’t be telling you this, but Kamla’s earmarked you for the Ministry of Public Holidays.”

Partap (left) and National Security Minister Jack Warner

“Minister of Public Holidays? What will that entail?”

“Well, we can’t stimulate the economy, we can’t reduce crime, so the only way to win votes is to give away more money and create more holidays. We want to add another 8 public holidays to the 14 we already have. Do you realise that we have no public holidays in July or October? How can that be possible?”

“What else do we need to celebrate? We pretty much cover everything already.”

“Hello. What about the Syrians? Don’t they deserve their own day? We’re thinking:  Damascus Departure Day. Then we have to cater for the Jews, so we’ll need a National Bar Mitzvah Day, and of course, we must have a holiday for the Chinese New Year and we mustn’t forget the Irish on St Patrick’s Day. I also promised the U.S. Ambassador that if she gives me some gunboats we’ll make 4th of July a national holiday.”

“Well this is all very good, Minister, but shouldn’t we concentrate on fulfilling our election promises first?”

“What do you mean, Collin?”

“Well, we said we would reduce crime within 120 days of being elected. It’s been over two years and we still don’t have a crime plan.”

“You see Collin, you really don’t understand Government do you? We have a crime plan. There’s plenty of crime. There’s crime everywhere. What we don’t have is a crime REDUCTION plan. We never promised one of those, did we?”

“But that’s misleading Minister. The people voted for us because we promised that crime will reduce.”

“Collin that was an election promise. Nobody expected us to keep it. We can’t possibly keep all our election promises”

“But that’s why people voted for us. We have to keep our election promises.”

“Nonsense. Did Mandela keep his election promises?”

“Well, yes, pretty much”

“Did he? Did he really Collin? So where are all the free laptops for kids in South Africa?”

“Mandela didn’t promise free laptops”

“Exactly. But we did and we delivered. So of course that makes Kamla a better leader than Mandela. Now, don’t you think the people are happy that they have a greater leader than Nelson Mandela?”

“Well, I never thought of it that way before.”

“You see, Collin, you have to learn to think outside of the box.  Now, I have a busy day. I’m holding a press conference to announce that policemen will be taking home their handcuffs and batons”

“What’s the point of that?”

“Well, we can’t give them the pay rises they want, so we thought if they took home their vehicles, guns handcuffs and batons, they could start their own private security firm without wasting money on equipment. Plus I fancy sneaking trying to talk Sergeant Archie into demonstrating her restraining techniques.”


Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked; no offence is meant at parties named although they probably deserve it

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About Filbert Street

Filbert Street
Filbert Street is a real columnist who works in a fantasy world that sometimes resembles our own.

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