Scene: Office of the Opposition Leader at Balisier House.
(PNM political leader Keith Rowley walks in to find Opposition Senators Faris Al-Rawi and Fitzgerald Hinds already seated).
Opposition Leader: Yes. What can I help you all with?
Faris Al-Rawi: It is a splendid day, Opposition Leader. I said so myself on the drive here and everyone I met agreed. Mr Hinds and myself were just discussing it. Do you not think so yourself, Opposition Leader?
Fitzgerald Hinds: Yes boss. Today is pretty nice, eh?
Opposition Leader: Who I look like? Alicia Boucher?! This isn’t the meteorological office. I have work to do fellahs and I would like to think you do too!
(Rowley glares across the table while Hinds looks at his shoe and Al-Rawi glances nervously towards the door).
Al-Rawi: Well… There was moreover another subject that we had hoped to confer with you. It is a matter of some sensitivity but Mr Hinds thought…
Hinds: Eh eh. That’s not true! Boss, you know I don’t like to think too much. I just came because Faris fraid to come into your office by himself.
(Rowley rolls his eyes).
Al-Rawi: Anyway, Sir. It is about an event in Tobago…
Opposition Leader: The Goat Race? (Rowley’s eyes narrow). Listen Faris, Trinidad and Tobago cannot handle another AG with any bizarre pre-occupations, eh?! So what is your interest in the Goat Race? And don’t leave anything out.
Al-Rawi: Opposition Leader, it is not about the Goat Race… I know this is a personal matter. But, all over the social media, the populace is conversing with regards to what you might or might not have done in 69…
Opposition Leader: You want to hear my thoughts on 69? (He moves closer to Al-Rawi). Would you like my wife’s number, Faris?
Hinds: Heh heh, no boss. He didn’t mean that. He just meant that thing Anil Roberts mentioned. People talking again and we were wondering…
Opposition Leader: P*****p and his eight different Facebook profiles are people? I think all nine of them together doesn’t even make one whole person. This is why you in my office, Faris? To talk about that P*****p?!
Al-Rawi: (Clears his throat) Opposition Leader, it would be remiss of me to pay no heed to a probable menace on your disposition and the standing of the party; even if the hazard is yet only formative in its nature.
(Rowley glares at Al-Rawi).
Hinds: Boss, he means that maybe we should deal with this mauvaise langue thing before it gets out of hand.
Opposition Leader: You mean to tell me that right now Besson Street resembling the Gaza Strip, a prominent, internationally-recognised activist is starving outside the Prime Minister’s office, the Prime Minister has put local Catholics up to international ridicule for the discrimination of gays after years of alienating Muslims, the PP Government is co-sponsoring a war on ISIS after they beheaded two Americans but yet to say ‘boo’ when dozens of young local citizens are shot dead in the street by police without a trial to determine their guilt or innocence, the Government molest the Children’s Fund because apparently it as empty as the space between Fuad’s ears… You mean to tell me that all that going on and you come here to ask me about what P*****p and his multiple-personalities doing on Facebook?!
Opposition Leader: So everytime a Minister gets caught taking drugs or P*****p gets his tail cut from a senior citizen, I have to answer ridiculous questions about my personal life? Why you don’t go and ask Roodal or Chandresh about outside children if allyuh want some child maintenance cases? Why you don’t ask Gary Griffith and Stacy about 69?! There are plenty people in Parliament who could do with marriage counselling. I am not one of them. Understood?
Al-Rawi: (Gulps). Mr Opposition Leader, on reflection I believe you have more than adequately responded to the spurious claims that I never for one millisecond believed to be any more than the work of desperate, deranged minds.
(Al-Rawi gets up and heads to the door with Hinds following closely behind. Hinds stops at the door).
Hinds: Boss, I am not sure if you answered us. Did you? I mean apparently the boy and your wife are friends on Facebook as well as…
Opposition Leader: Mr Hinds, are you vetting me based on my wife’s Facebook friends?
Hinds: No boss.
Opposition Leader: If you ever waste my time with any nonsense from that schizophrenic clown named P*****p, you will have nothing else to do with your time but go on Facebook.
Hinds: (Gulps) Yes, Opposition Leader.
Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked. No offence is meant at parties named; although they probably deserve it.