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Scene: Office of the Minister of National Security
Phone rings:
“Good morning. Minister Warner speaking.”
“Good morning, Minister. Williams here.”
“Yes, Commissioner. How can I help you?”
“Well, Minister, you sent me some tips for tackling crime in East Port of Spain?”
“Ah, yes. You mean the behavioural profiles?”
“I was very impressed, Minister. I had no idea you had spent time with the FBI at Quantico.”
“I haven’t.”
“Well, didn’t you say that you learned these skills from the Behavioural Analysis Unit at the FBI?”
“I didn’t go there in person, Commissioner. I’ve been watching DVDs of ‘Criminal Minds.’ Those guys are really smart. They always catch the unsub.”
“Unsub?”
“Unknown Subject, Commish. How long have you been a policeman? You should know the jargon…”
“Well, Minister, I don’t have much time to watch television.”
“You should make the time. And make all your detectives do the same so that they can watch all eight series of ‘Criminal Minds.’ From start to finish.”
“But, Minister, I’m not sure the ‘Criminal Minds’ techniques will prove very useful here in Trinidad; we already know who most of the criminals are. It’s the justiciable evidence that we can’t obtain.”
“You don’t know shit, Mr Williams. That’s why I have to do your job for you. I’ve given you a complete profile of the perps; they shouldn’t be hard to find now.”
“Perps, Minister?”
“Oh gaaaaaawd, man, yuh frustratin mih. Perps. Perpetrators! The people doing the killing.”
“So, Minister, your profile says we should be looking for a highly organised, intelligent white male in his 30’s who works in an ordinary job and probably wears a uniform. Most people he lives and works with don’t even notice him. He probably suffered abuse as a child and may have a history of ill-treatment of animals.”
“How hard can it be to find a man like that in Laventille, Williams?”
“And this is the, um, unsub who you believe is responsible for 86 East Port of Spain murders this year?”
“Either him or the other perp I profiled.”
“Ah yes. A 60-something-year-old man of African descent with a shaved head who’s a university graduate. He likes to wear suits and frequents the Diego Martin West area except when there is a disaster. He has a gravelly voice and likes to be called ‘Doctor.’”
“Yes, a particularly nasty piece of work.”
“Minister, that sounds to me remarkably like a certain public figure.”
“Commish Williams, nobody, not even me, is above the law. I did the profiling carefully and that was the conclusion.”
“So you’re telling me that Dr Rotweiller is the big fish in the drug underworld?”
“Hard to believe, isn’t it? Still, if he’s innocent, he’ll get free in a couple of years.”
“Minister, it would be completely wrong of me to investigate Dr Rotweiller based on your amateur profile…”
“But, Williams, aren’t you investigating me? Why not the doctor?”
“Well, Minister, with respect, we have several statements saying that you facilitated certain financial gifts and we have video footage of you discussing the matter with the beneficiaries.”
“And you have a profile identifying the Rotweiller! What’s the difference?”
“I think there is a difference, Minister.”
“Williams, get with the programme, will you? What about the third set of profiles?”
“Ah yes, the men who have never been involved in crime or gangs, who keep themselves to themselves, help lots of old people in their community, don’t drink or smoke and don’t associate with any criminal types or fast women?”
“That’s it. Surely there are lots of people like that in Laventille?”
“And where did this profile come from, Minister?”
“Williams, you should follow my lead. I read the newspapers and watch Ian Alleyne. If you did the same, you would see that every man who is killed in East Port of Spain was never involved in crime, was good to his mother and was described by his neighbours as ‘a quiet man who kept himself to himself.’”
“But that is a description of the victim, Minister! “
“Exactly, Williams. So find the next victim and you have your killer. On TV, on ‘Person Of Interest,’ they always catch the perp before he can finish the job. Profiling. It can help us fight crime.
“So, Williams, enough of this negativity. Let’s go out there, find the next victim and arrest the unsubs.”
Editor’s Note: This column is pure satire and all conversations are faked; no offence is meant at parties named although they probably deserve it
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This is hilarious! Thanks for a good laugh!